Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

This story, and the accompanying photograph, is further proof that Mother Nature hates us, and wants us to be profoundly unhappy.

The new Brand New album comes out September 22. This is the music that will save us all.

In the meantime, watch one of the awesomest videos ever.

One man’s bemused vexation becomes another’s biting satire.

Eh? Eh? Eh?

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know that the sad and terrifying truth about your favorite blogger is that deep down, his heart is a roiling cauldron of hate. I don’t know what it is; middle child syndrome? Six-plus years in the heart of Red Socks Nation? Who knows. I’m like Ren Hoek. It’s bad.

Fortunately, I make the most of it (sort of like these guys.) How? By complaining. So you can imagine how much of a godsend Sweet, Sweet Alice has been for me. That bike is my admit-one to one of the most perennially aggrieved, justifiably indignant populations there is: bicyclists. An entire world of distasteful, obnoxious, objectionable people, things, and circumstances has been opened up to me. Consequently, I’m bringing back “Shake Harder, Boy,” to highlight all of the things that, perched high up in my saddle, I’ve discovered I can do without. Enjoy the art, too.

Tonight’s installment: People who don’t walk
This is your typical still-stander, your scenery-admirer, your iPod-playlist-adjuster. The guy or gal who decides that the middle of the bike path is the ideal place to stop and do whatever it is they have to do. When you’re in a car, and you have to stop, you’re sort of forced to pull over; stopping in the middle of the road would cause you, and the other drivers on the road, a world of problems, so no one would even remotely think of doing it. A bike path, on the other hand, doesn’t have the inherent deadliness of the open road, so these brain donors obviously feel like they can just stand there and not worry about a damn thing.

Here’s the problem: I’m trying to get to work! And so are the people riding on the opposite side of the path! Move it or lose it, buster, is what I say. The Person Who Doesn’t Walk is extra insidious because of the availability of perfectly acceptable still-standing places.

Stink lines added for emphasis

I mean, we’re talking about the entire world as a better place to stand around picking your nose. There’s literally eight lateral feet in the entire universe where standing around is unadviseable. So of course that’s where the Person Who Doesn’t Walk stands. I’m shaking my fist menacingly at you!

The Daily News never fails to disappoint.

On the front page of the Times website this morning, the dek on this story read: There is new pressure on the president to ramp up investigations of Bush-era security programs, despite the political risks.

Ahem.

Political risks? What political risks? We already know that Dick Cheney compelled the CIA to lie to Congress! We already know that Bush’s torture and warrantless wiretapping programs didn’t work! We have strong evidence that crimes were committed in the highest echelons of power! What risks?

The only motivation on the part of the Obama administration here is the desire to keep as much of the vast executive authority that Bush amassed for himself. And you all know that BHO is my guy, but that would be completely unacceptable. There’s certainly no real political penalty should he decide to, you know, uphold the rule of law and defend the Constitution. I mean, what could possibly happen? Are the Republicans going to become more obstructionist? Unless there’s an obscure procedural rule that will allow the rump caucus of Republicans to, I don’t know, add an exclamation point to their inevitable “no” votes, what the hell could Obama be afraid of here?

And then there’s this doozy of a paragraph.

That makes four fronts on which the intelligence apparatus is under siege. It is just the kind of distraction from Mr. Obama’s domestic priorities — repairing the economy, revamping the health care system, and addressing the long-term problems of energy and climate — that the White House wanted to avoid.

The intelligence apparatus! Under siege! By the laws that are meant to govern the intelligence apparatus! Great diction, NYT.

And then characterizing even the consideration of the rehabilitation of our ailing democracy as a “distraction”? Even greater diction! Here’s a news flash, Times: people are actually reading your newspaper as an objective source of information and analysis. You don’t have to carry water for the administration: we know they think it’s a distraction. What we need from the Times is the truth: that restoring the rule of law and holding law-breaking government officials accountable isn’t a distraction. It’s actually the president’s job.

Listen to New Jersey’s own The Early November.

Here’s a piece from SI.com lamenting the lack of sportsmanship displayed by new undisputed UFC heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar after his fight last night.

I’m not a big UFC guy, but I’m sure there are a lot of things that fans are looking for from an exhibition where men are paid handsome sums to savagely beat each other. I’d be surprised if sportsmanship were one of them.

Apparently, boxer Arturo Gatti was found dead in a hotel room in Brazil today.

In the grand scheme, Gatti isn’t an all-time great, but I feel like he was my guy. He was born in Canada, but settled in Jersey City, the next town up from me, when he turned professional in the early 90s. Boxing fans will remember his epic trio of fights against Micky Ward. They’ll also remember Gatti being completely outclassed by Floyd Mayweather in June of 2005.

I’m not a huge boxing guy, but I liked Gatti, even more so because he was kind of from Jersey. He was the sort of things you wanted to see in a fighter: tough, a big swinger, tons of heart and grit. The sort of guy that other, non-tough, non-confrontational, soft, bespectacled Jersey guys saw themselves as. I have no idea what happened to Gatti, but it’s a sad story. Anyway, here’s a nice piece from Sports Illustrated about him.

I haven’t read Spider-Man comics in a while, so I don’t know what the context is here, but my pal passed along this link featuring pages from Spidey’s recent jaunt up to the Hub of the Universe. How fun!