Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

You may or may not be aware, precious reader, that we’ve had a lil bit of weather up here in the Hub of the Universe. That’s fine, though, because rain has allowed me to become reacquainted with one of my all-time favorite humans, the Person Who Thinks It’s Acceptable to Walk Through an Urban Metropolis With a Beach Umbrella.

We’re dealing with history’s greatest hero, dearest reader. You see, here in Boston, during rush hour, in the rain, there are a lot of people traversing back and forth on the sidewalk. In a driving rainstorm, as truly biblical amounts of moisture are issuing forth from the heavens, why should everyone get wet? Surely, in this horrible, joyless, putrid existence, there are some on whom God’s sacred and holy light shines. Surely, there are some who are deserving of walking through an atmosphere more water than air while remaining bone dry. Good news, darling reader! There are, and you can pick out the Elect very easily: they’re walking through the streets of a town with 30,000 people per square mile carrying a patio umbrella.

Stay dry, friend!

You see, darling reader, in this postmodern world we’re living in, where traditional symbols of authority are being deconstructed faster than new ones can be erected, how can we be expected to know our place in the class structure? The Person Who Thinks It’s Acceptable to Walk Through an Urban Metropolis With a Beach Umbrella does us a crucial service, reminding we plebs wandering the hellish nightmarescape that is the Contemporary American City with a mere Totes umbrella or, even more pathetically, no umbrella whatsoever, that there are still champions walking among mortals. I mean, these demigods have to be inherently superior to the rest of us, no? Why else would they be allowed to saunter through the city under a circus tent while the rest of us stand aside in awe, our flimsy toy umbrellas buffeted by Poseiden’s own rage.

And not only that, but the Person Who Thinks It’s Acceptable to Walk Through an Urban Metropolis With a Beach Umbrella compels us to engage in two of our greatest joys: diving into curbside puddles to evade inexorable obstacles, and getting raked across the eyes by thin steel rods. Sometimes both at the same time!

Tags: aristocracy walking among us, my heart is a roiling cauldron of undiluted acid rage, we're living in a society here, weather

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 31st, 2010 at 11:19 pm and is filed under Sports, Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.