Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

Rough week and a half for blogging, treasured readers. I spent a long weekend in sunny Savannah, Georgia, which took me away from my computer for four days. And then I had to get my life back together after that. Then the series finales of Lost and 24 were on. Then I have to start getting ready for my trip this weekend to sunny Williamsburg, Virginia, from which (or from where?) I’m writing right now. I feel crummy, because I actually have a couple things in the hopper that I’m really excited about writing. It takes time, though. So my apologies. You know you’re always on my mind.

As a consolation, listen to this delightful ukulele cover of “Your Song.” I’ll be back soon, lovelies.

Welp, treasured readers, this is it. The last Gossip Girl running diary of the season. All of our lives are about to lose just a little bit of substance. I hope all of you have planned ahead accordingly. Personally, I’m hoping a combination of beer, cornhole, and comic books holds me over until Providence hands down a fresh season of GG. As usual, disregard the timestamps.

10:10 Remember how all the action happened last week? What’s supposed to happen in this ep? Also, remember when Serena decided not to go to college? And had that affair with Trip? Also, what a badass Eric has turned into.

10:11 Thanks for “listening” to me last night, Jenny says. Is that what they call it these days?

10:13 Do maids actually wear maid outfits like Dorota does?

“I defriend Meester Chuck on facebook and in life.” What am I gonna do all summer without Dorota. She’s a shining beacon

10:15 Is it too much to ask for a Superman v. Doomsday–esque last stand between Jenny and Georgina? I know. It is too much to ask.

So what we’re witnessing here is Jenny screwing her brother’s relationship with her own friend strictly to get vengeance against her half-sister. Is she not history’s greatest monster? She makes the mad Titan Thanos look like Moon Boy. Miles, I hope you’re reading.

10:19 Is that my Lincoln Hawk t-shirt Serena was wearing, Rufus asks. Shouldn’t Rufus have like, a thousand such t-shirts? Like how Homer had all that Be-Sharps memorabilia.

10:21 This is so typical, Nate keeping a straight face and being pissed at Serena for falling asleep talking to an old flame. Guys do this, ladies!

10:25 Hey, remember Rufus’s ex wife? Also, I’m swearing to you right now, precious readers, that whatever reformation Jenny undergoes, when she comes back on the show, this blog will still shun her. Don’t ever cross DD&U. Let that be a lesson.

What the HELL is Serena wearing to Dorota’s baby’s birth?

10:27 Dan DOES know that Nate is right. He loves Serena! Theirs is a love that transcends reality.

10:30 Remember when Chuck tried to date rape Jenny in season 1? Let’s see how this plays out.

“I don’t play video games, so if you want to hang out with me, you do what I do,” Chuck says. My new number 2 ambition in life is to be able to credibly use a line like that. Not in like, a creepy Chuck Bass way. Just, you know, credibly.

“The hard way is the only way,” Chuck goes. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to Plato, guys.

The ORODD&U echoes my own thoughts w/r/t Blair: just take a picture with the peonies, send it to Chuck, and explain that you were sidetracked by effing Dorota giving birth. His little Empire State Building stunt is just that, a stunt. It’s not a contract signed in Christ’s own blood.

10:33 Dan, calling out Serena’s daddy issues. Very astute!

Seriously, I would like Serena’s outfit to be addressed by someone at some point.

Ignorance is bliss. “Is that why it was so easy with us,” Serena asks. No, S. it’s because you and Dan were made for each other. Someone listen to me!

10:39 Yes, J. Everyone hates you. Your tears are futile against me. And I’m not swayed by the fact that you probably put more makeup on only to cry it off.

“It’s not breaking up, it’s taking a break,” S goes. Girls say things like this! Don’t deny it!

10:42 So what did Jenny tell Dan to compel him to slug Chuck? Because can Dan really get THAT pissed if he found out that Chuck and his sister just had consensual sex? We all agree that there’s some sort of deception here, right? (Also, the ORODD&U and the GFOTORODD&U were both convinced that j had stolen the engagement ring. Great theory!) Also, one thing that prevents Dan from ascending into the Seth Cohen Echelon of beloved TV characters, is that he’s forced to do things like stick up for Jenny. It’s not his fault, but it is a tragic flaw.

10:44 “Hey, who’s hungry,” Rufus goes as he walks in on the climactic scene of the season. Remind me to tell you guys about the Christmas tree story.

10:46 “I really am going to change,” S goes. What an idiot.

10:49 I’m actually really pleased with the fact that Nate and Lonely Boy are pals. They have like, a real dudes’ relationship.

Dan! Booking the flight to Paris! What a baller move!

10:50 This is most definitely not Dan’s kid. Don’t get sucked in, people!

10:52 Umm . . . what?

I kinda wish I didn’t blow that “born back ceaselessly into the past” hed on a stupid post about making your blog look like a Geocities site. It would have been much more appropriate here. Oh well.

As you may be aware, your favorite blogger celebrated a birthday this week. Also, my birthday was this week, too. (See what I did there? With the self-deprecating implication that I might not actually be your favorite blogger? ::tap tap tap:: Is this thing on?) Anyway, as the early part of my mid-20s fades away in the rearview mirror of time’s unceasing advance, the idea of growing up has been on my mind. I have enough self-awareness to bristle at the concept of a “quarter-life crisis,” so don’t worry, this won’t be a post about how confused I am about the future as I watch the sands of time slip through my fingers like so many grains of sand.

But I have been thinking about all the years gone by: some wistful stuff, but mostly good stuff, and I was grasping for something appropriate to post about on the event of the anniversary of my natal day. First, I considered discussing the pants-wettingly exciting news that John Nolan and Shaun Cooper are back in Taking Back Sunday, reuniting the Tell All Your Friends lineup that produced Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun’s third favorite album of the last decade. (I’m seeing them in June, and worry not, treasured reader, that show will get the eff blogged out of it.) But then I came across something better, a bit of nostalgia so potent that Adrian Veidt himself would be compelled to stroke his chin in admiration. Let me tell you a story.

When I was a kid, we didn’t have a Nintendo, but my cousins did. Whenever we went over their house, we played a lot of Duck Hunt, a lot of Mario, a lot of Monster Truck Rally. Every now and again, we’d fire up Bases Loaded. RBI Baseball, with its Weeble-esque renditions of Major League stars, was probably the more beloved baseball game of the era, but, because it didn’t have a license from MLB, Bases Loaded had the probably unforeseen advantage of being able to make up teams and players out of whole cloth. There was a New Jersey team, so of course I played with them every time I had the controller in my hands. Anyone that’s played Bases Loaded knows where this is going: I’m about to talk about Paste.

Many pixels have been spilled talking about Bo Jackson’s prowess in Tecmo Super Bowl, but Paste, the number three hitter in the NJ lineup, surpasses even him. Paste hit 60 home runs and batted .467 last season! He was less than a god, but far, far more than a man. So you can imagine my delight when, just a day after my birthday, as I was reminiscing about my youth, I came across this brilliant video tribute to the immortal Paste. Enjoy.

Two more eps of Gossip Girl left. That’s not a lot of time for Jenny’s map to be eliminated for keeps, Dr. VDW to be taken away in cuffs, and Dan and Serena to get back together (which, as regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know, is my primary reason for watching the show.) As usual, I’m watching an hour late, the time stamps mean nothing, and c.

10:07 Blair: I didn’t know they had groupies that old. Way to make light of a potentially marriage-ending sitch, B. Bonus: “Dorota’s family has Polish mob connections.” What Polish mob? Can you identify them by their fox-skin hats?

10:09 I like how Chuck has a Jack Bauer–esque network of illicit contacts. He’s a legitimate business owner!

10:11 Apparently, pharmacists don’t make enough to turn down bribes. I learn something from Chuck Bass every week

10:13 Oh boy. Rufus actually brought Holland down to the apartment. Nothing makes him a badass quite like the truth. Too bad he’s surrounded himself with a nest of vipers.

10:14 Holland: Rufus, you can’t expect me to lie to their faces. Rufus: You just did! Ha!

Serena on good guys: They all are, until they aren’t anymore. Does that mean that S knows that her dad is a scumbag? Of course it doesn’t. She’s a blithering moron.

10:17 The biggest disappointment in this whole story arc is how Eric has been bamboozled. He was the only remotely innocent one left on this show.

In my entire life, I don’t think I’ve taken matters into my own hands as many times as Nate has in three seasons of Gossip Girl.

10:20 Wait, what? Holland is the psychiatrist? The hell is going on here?

10:21 Ah, a plot to instigate the public outing of a villain. That always works on this show.

My bloodlust for Jenny’s death is soon to be outstripped by my intense desire to see egg all up in Serena’s grill. She’s so effing stupid it actually hurts to contemplate.

10:25 Seriously. Only Serena could make me feel sympathy for Little J. Why do you always let me down so bad, Serena!

Blair: Are you ready to make the fat lady sing?
Dan: I’ll settle for making the lying doctor lady confess.
Thanks for contributing to the repartee, Lonely Boy. Ugh. This guy got published in the New Yorker, and I’m stuck with this sucky blog? Where’s the justice!

Um, Jenny? Now would have been a good time to reveal your damning evidence. What is she trying to pull here? I guess she’s aware that there’s still another episode left, and a good amount of plot to string along?

10:30 Lily to Dr. VDW: It’s nice to be here with someone who doesn’t hate these sort of things. Is there anyone on this show that isn’t a simpering fool?

10:34 That was some good improvisation with Dr. Holland, especially for this crew.

Aaaaaaaaand Jenny is conspiring with Dr. VDW. Your redemption was short-lived, Lil J. And now for being taken in, I feel as foolish as Serena is going to inevitably feel.

10:36 How did I let so much time elapse without noticing how whorey Serena’s dress is? Am I slipping in my old age? It’s like something an alien hooker in a Godzilla movie would wear

10:38 Rufus showing up at the van der Woodsen apartment is the 27th dramatic confrontation of this episode. It’s a new record!

This limo scene with Blair, Chuck, and the gang reminds me of the wrap-up of an Encyclopedia Brown story. Speaking of old age . . .

10:41 Nate is the exact kind of guy who would keep a random cop acquaintance in his phone book.

And me, because I’m a sap, when I see scenes where Dan walks in on an emotionally distraught Serena, I think “Maybe they’ll get back together? Please?”

10:43 I know Dr. VDW is a mirthless scoundrel, but how can he talk to Serena and not double over with laughter at that stupid hat?

I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Lily goes. Ha! Your entire life is predicated on not believing Rufus, Lily! Don’t you watch Gossip Girl?

Please, let Rufus pull out a gun and shoot his daughter right in the heart.

10:46 Eric! With the pwnage! Get Jenny the hell outta here. Consider yourself redeemed, young Van der Woodsen.

10:48 Do we want to talk about this rugby player’s sweater? No? Ok, good.

10:49 !

10:49.5 ! !

Hat-tip to my pal Nick, the Official Philadelphia Correspondent for Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun, for this one. I’m sure I’m late to the party on emo mashups, but what else is new with this sucky blog? The concept of this sort of thing is obviously right up my alley, but I feel like the execution in this case could be a little better. Still pretty awesome, though!

Anyway, listen to, um, “The Quiet Infidelities That No One Ever Screams.”

This is deadly poison, and I'm about to put it in my mouth

Friends of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know that I’m sort of ambivalent about Americans co-opting ethnic holidays. I think we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day a little too much, and Pulaski Day not enough. You may be aware that today was Cinco de Mayo, perhaps the ultimate in “Wait, somebody somewhere celebrates today as a holiday? Let’s party!” American co-optation. But whatevs. Live and let live, I say.

Down the hatch

In celebration, though, I’ll pass along this hidden gem from 2005: the food column I wrote for the Heights, the Independent Student Newspaper of Boston College, on Cinco de Mayo. This baby is from the protozoal stages of my development as a slinger of witticisms, so forgive me. I definitely plan on showcasing more of this early stuff on the ol’ blog, mainly because I crack myself up.

I was yelled at last week by a dear reader for not blogging about the best episode of the year. I’m here to rectify that! Starting a little late, which should hopefully allow me to blow through some commercials. It does, however, render the timestamps even more useless than usual. You’re not here for fidelity, though, right? You’re here for quick quips!

9:14 You know, the creators do all these like, mini webisodes and fashion tips and text messages and all sorts of other peripheral Gossip Girl content on the CW website. Would it kill them to put up some of Lonely Boy and V’s stories? I wanna know who really is the better writer. Or have they already done this and I just haven’t looked.

“I find the cause is the best cure,” Chuck goes. I heart him.

“We’re two artists in a relationship,” Dan goes. Hilarious! I’m an artist, too.

The topics that Dan and Vanessa can talk about are politics, Jersey Shore, and where they want to eat. Is it weird that I think I can scrounge a pretty meaningful relationship out of that?

9:17 Can we make sure that Rufus says “What is he doing here?” every time Dr. VDW enters the room? Thanks, GG writers. It makes my night.

9:19 It was pushing 80 today. This snow on the ground in B’s scene is taking me RIGHT out of the narrative.

9:20 Falafel: the kind of food paralegals eat. Take that, paralegals!

Ooh, ooh. The tension is still there between Serena and Lil J! I was so pissed when she didn’t get her comeuppance for trying to steal Nate. Hopefully there’s still time for her to get the eff pwned out of her before she leaves the show.

Fast forward!

9:23 Is that a wooden bowl of radishes in Rufus’s fridge? Huh?

Dan, please button your shirt.

Eric, once again proving that he’s the only one on this whole damn show that has his head screwed on straight. Dr. VDW is a fraud! Don’t let him in!

9:26 Arguing over clothes! Veiled accusations of whoredom! Serena versus Jenny! It’s true, Rufus. Jenny IS the problem!

9:27 Rufus is right. It IS awkward for a doctor to move into his patient’s building. Also, treasured readers who might also have a background in medicine: isn’t it wicked unethical for a guy to treat his ex-wife? That seems way beyond appropriate.

9:29 “I third person people, not you!” Good one, B. It’s true.

Fast forward!

9:31 Pablo Escobar to preppy pill-poppers! Serena, with the rare good line.

Dan, if Vanessa is giving up this internship for you, you need to be a better boyfriend…

Or, wait, why does it seem like this meeting with the woman from CNN is not going to work out for Dan? I’ve heard this song before. Stay tuned, readers.

9:35 Are we going to discover that this hairband girl has some sort of super hearing?

9:36 Yes. Super hearing. Is there any other explanation for how this girl was able to eavesdrop on a conversation, outdoors, fifty feet away in a crowded park? Matt Murdock would have trouble doing that!

9:38 Lily is right. Rufus is paranoid. But is he paranoid enough?

9:40 Chuck is secretly a good guy. I’ve always believed in him.

9:42 Wait, Dan didn’t know that his sister was dealing drugs? How far up his own ass does he have his own head?

9:43 Shorter Dr. VDW: “Serena, I don’t care about how much of a harlot you were. I just want to steal your mother from her husband.”

9:45 Hey, B randomly runs into an admission officer at this random gala. That little exchange is competing with the snow I referenced earlier.

9:47 Rufus, Eric is your only ally! Don’t make him think that Dr. VDW is a good guy!

9:48 Or maybe Chuck is an ally, too. I have to say, one and a half episodes is not long enough for a charade to unravel. The writers couldn’t drag this bad boy out a little more?

9:50 Looks like this doctor without borders could use some boundaries. Hehe. Being a connoisseur of wordplay, I’m always delighted when GG brings her A game.

9:53 Shorter Lily van der Woodsen: “My husband is trying to snake his way between us and just admitted it in front of a crowd of admirers. I think you need to sleep at the loft, Rufus.” Good job, Lily. I hope you have something special planned when Rufus is totally vindicated.

9:55 Uh oh. Jenny is doing research on cancer. I swear to God, if the writers find some way for her to be the one who brings Dr. VDW down, I am going to be SORELY disappointed. Don’t you people realize that we ALL lose if that happens? If Serena pulls the same credulous act she always does, Eric somehow gets taken in, Rufus gets dragged through the mud, and JENNY of all people is the one that saves the day? That would be horrible!