Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me hit some dingers?
The thing about guys is, they think that the banter they have with their pals is pure comedic gold. The thing about your favorite blogger, though, is that when he says his banter with his pals is pure comedic gold, he’s not screwing around! Would I ever lead you astray, precious reader?
In that vein, I asked my pal Nick, the Official Philadelphia Correspondent of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun (and my former roommate) to engage in a little be-bopping about this year’s All-Star Home Run Derby. As you’ve come to expect from a blog that’s always a day late and a buck short, I’ve only gotten around to posting it two days after the actual event. Only the most minor of edits have been made, because I’m committed to keeping things on the real. That means almost no capital letters, and plenty of lols.
i got my money on chris b. young
nick: it’s less that i have confidence in him and more that i hope his trade value goes up with some sort of subconscious developments penetrating the minds of our fellow fantasiers
me: i haven’t put much thought into it
i’m gonna put my money behind small papi, though
nick: (is this being recorded?)
me: this conversation? yeah
nick: ok starting with?
me: i’m gonna start with the part when you make your prediction
me: this is completely unedited, so don’t say anything you don’t want potentially billions of people seeing
also, pretend you’re not an idiot
so i just said “look, that guy is playing a uke”
and kevin [the Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun] was like “youkilis?”
nick: patrick monahan needs a new pair of jeans
me: is that the singer from train?
nick: yes, monahan is the lead singer
he looks 80
i may just think this because i don’t follow the brewers, but did corey hart steal a page from the jayson werth facial hair manual
me: he stole a page from the abe lincoln facial hair manifesto
nick: “leads the league in smiles”?
give me a break, ortiz
me: remember when ortiz sucked? those were the days
hanley ramirez owes every single one of his all-star starts to fantasy baseball players
nick: who has the highest total round, and what number do they end on?
me: what do you mean, highest total round?
nick: i don’t think its cumulative
so highest individual round
me: i’m sure they’ll explain the rules
hamilton had 28 a few years ago
remember the year he won the derby?
nick: haha, he didn’t
me: i know!
nick: good trick, though!
me: morneau stole it from him, like he stole jeter’s mvp in 2006
nick: i’ve really warmed up to jeter the past few years. it’s almost like you can’t like both a-rod and jeter at the same time; your love for them is inversely proportional. i think many people may feel that way
me: my love for derek jeter is a lot like the universe
nick: until that one final day where everything implodes
me: kevin makes a good point
has anyone been more famous for doing so little than bo jackson
nick: inside the sports realm? so, excluding paris hilton, et al.?
bo jackson played two sports, he ran over brian bosworth, and his tecmo bowl character was invincible
nick: i might go with the other two sport athlete — deion sanders
me: but i think his football career was a little more distinguished
nick: from the media’s perspective. he avoided tackling someone like people avoid the plague
prime time, that is
me: i wish i had a nickname
nick: you do have one
me: yeah? what’s that
nick: The-Most-Unf*ckable-Dude-Ever (don’t put that in!)
that was great!
actually, now that i think about, i’ll edit this so it looks like we’re not talking over each other
nick: good idea [Editor's note: Conversation has been edited for clarity and excision of talk-overingness.]
nick: Here we go — Joe Morgan, “In case you were unaware, I’m a Hall of Famer, and in case you weren’t there when I predicted it, I predicted Miguel Cabrera would be the AL MVP and the first coming of my savior, Jesus Christ.”
me: who is chris young, btw
nick: I dont know
but I wish he was wearing a helmet
me: or any sort of headgear
nick: look at that stat! one of three players with 15 and 15
chris young taking the first fifteen pitches, showing his new-found patience at the plate
nick: over under on how many “back-back”s we hear tonight
nick: i think you misplaced that decimal
ill take 215
me: of anything in a derby, i root for two kids shagging flies in the outfield to get into a savage fight
look at this. some of these kids are 10 years old, and others are taller than me
remember when i had hoped this would increase interest in c. young?
i can now only hope for such a piss poor performance that people forget he was ever in it
me: did you see how that foul went to where the beach ball was bouncing around, and it just disappeared when the baseball fell?
me: you people need to be careful!
chris young couldn’t even hit the charity ball out. he’s history’s greatest monster
nick: what did i say before? this is gonna be the base hit derby
me: the single up the middle derby, i believe you called it
nick: i’m gonna throw my official prediction in a little late
i’ve got hanley
me: so you’re changing your pick
nick: give me a copy paste
with my other vote
before we talk about how guys are doing in this derby, let’s discuss how chris young played in the minors last year, and until three months ago, vernon wells had the most lopsidedly bad contract in baseball
id est, these guys are stinktown!
nick: this isn’t because i own him in our fantasy league, but i feel like young gets more of a bye on this
he’s still very young
pun completely intended
me: is that what the B in chris b young stands for?
nick: i thought it was “baller,” but ive been wrong before
nick: did erin andrews just ask torii hunter if he and papi were “boys.” ugh
me: how hot must corey hart’s face be
i haven’t shaved in a week, and my chin is sweating 24/7
nick: i don’t know, man. i haven’t shaved my face since junior year of college — what’s that? — over 5 years
me: but is it ever as long as corey “the hitman” hart?
nick: when i don’t tend to it, yes; also see: hockey season
there’s our first ten “back-back”s
on one swing
me: corey hart learned home run hitting from his dad, who was a great softball player
nick: corey hart is going to hit four home runs after the break
me: if that were a company, i’d invest my life savings in it
nick: look at us — we’re all jacked up over 464 foot home runs
ten years ago, people used to hit 464 foot home runs with a check swing
me: i have corey hart on my nl-only team. i’m dropping the eff out of him after this
he’s bobby abreu-ing the shit out of this contest
nick: i might actually do a sort of stat analysis
i’m going to take all of the guys in the derby
and follow their second half numbers, see if they rise or fall
then choose ten other guys who have hit a bunch
but aren’t in the derby, and follow them similarly
and see if there really is some sort of correlation
me: i’ll post your results on the ol’ blog
nick: i am going to eliminate pujols, simply because he’s the best hitter in the game, arguably
so he will be almost like, i guess, the closest thing to a control group
which isn’t even accurate
but you know what i mean
me: can you change your pitcher? why wouldn’t nick swisher have this jockey pitch to him?
nick: if i was hitting, id ask for eric milton
is he still around?
me: he’s probably setting pins in a bowling alley
nick swisher is the exact kind of guy that would win this dopey contest
nick: swisher looks like a mental patient
me: he looks like popeye
nick: his hat’s crooked, he’s making odd jerky facial movements
speaking of popeye, do you know why so many people thought spinach was conducive to muscle growth
back in the day
aka popeye, old commercials, etc.
me: didn’t they do a study that massively overestimated the amount of iron there was in spinach?
nick: i don’t know if the study was incorrect, or if they just mislabeled the nutritional facts. whatever happened, people forever thought spinach had ten times more iron than it actually has
i think a decimal was screwed up on the label
me: i read about this on cracked
nick: i’m gonna go on record here as saying the derby needs a tweak. it’s completely uninteresting.
me: remember rock and jock softball? you could ask for the chicago ball, and it was worth like, ten runs or something
nick: haha yeah
john kruk and freddie prinz junior were the rock and jock equivalent of the bash brothers
me: i remember jenny mccarthy was on it before she went cuckoo
nick: what ever happened to her
me: married jim carrey, got the idea that vaccines are no good, hopped on the express to crazytown
crazytown the place, not crazytown the band
nick: awful band, but i bet you like them
me: butterfly was a catchy song
did they even have another one? do they count as a band?
nick: i think their album may have consisted of six different versions of that song
holliday? more like folly-day
me: there’s positively no joy in berman’s back-back-backs
nick: i’m not sure he even says it anymore; it may be a recording
me: erin andrews is calling everyone someone’s boy. sup with that?
nick: why don’t you eliminate her, albert?
me: if you wanted to call me “la machina,” i wouldn’t object
nick: i’m gonna call you ex machina, cause you’re not believable
the new yorker just ran a profile of ortiz
and it’s very well written, and almost seamless, but you can tell that the writer set out to write the “david ortiz sucks now” story
and then had to be like, “but suddenly, he started hitting homers again!”
nick: see, on second thought, i may agree with you on papi
you think of his struggles, and the struggles of most home run hitters late in his career
it all has to do with the slowing down of the bat and swing movement, and less so with power
these pitches are going a mile an hour, of course hes gonna whack ‘em
me: i could hit a 55 mile an hour fastball out of the park
nick: no chance
out of the infield, maybe
did you see that dope
me: good one
nick: first row of the outfield
thought he caught it
pumped up, raising the fists of glory
it fell out of his glove and the kid didnt give it back to him
a grown man shouldn’t be bringing a glove to the ballpark
nick: i agree completely
did you know joe morgan was a hall of fame player
me: he looks like the undead when they show him on camera
nick: the real joe morgan is tied up in a closet in some wax museum.
and here we are subjected to the wax dummy
me: the living wax dummy
nick: with two pull-string lines
when i was a hall of famer
and “yer doin’ it wrong . . . i’m the hall of famer”
me: a lot of guys are hall of famers
you know what? i could go for some organic milk
nick: milk is bad for you
Editor’s note: A rather lengthy and heated discussion about the nutritional efficacy of milk ensued. Certain parties may have passive aggressively encouraged other parties to enjoy dying of milk-related complications. Other certain parties may have made a wager, the prize of which would entitle the winner to pour beer on the loser’s grave. It was in no way home-run related, so your favorite blogger has excised it.
me: so when hanley signs his eventual big free agent contract, is he gonna say “i’m taking my talents out of south beach”
nick: i’d buy his jersey if he did
nick: how about that
our guys are tied after two rounds
me: my guy, and the guy you make-up picked?
nick: i didn’t pick young! i wanted him to win
to increase trade value
nick: when you post the blog, you better not say hanley was my make up pick
Sent at 10:16 PM on Monday
we should talk a little more about the derby, so we have some content
nick: so a nick vs. tim final
nick: this is like harry potter vs. voldemort, god vs. lucifer, good vs. evil
of course i’m the good
me: you’re the world’s dumbest human
nick: “going against your guy”
erin adnrews didn’t learn one name for tonight
me: bad job by her
someone told her not to say “your boy”
did you see all those empty seats?
i thought you couldn’t sell sex for a ticket to these things
me: people are different in so-cal
me: they’re probably all off eating fish tacos or something
its gonna be tough for good to overcome evil here
me: they’re playing “temperature” during hanley’s at-bat
that’s my jam
also, let the record show that a heated conversation about milk took our attention away from this thing
seems to me like definitive proof that the home run derby needs a fresh wrinkle
This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 14th, 2010 at 11:51 pm and is filed under Sports. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.