Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

If you’re reading this, and you’ve ever been in a situation where you’re at a convenience store, or waiting in a bank lobby with more than one ATM, or basically in any situation where there are multiple checkouts but no clear line-forming infrastructure, and you’ve simply walked over to the checkout with the shortest “line” (ie, the one where a single person is being helped), completely ignoring the group of people standing still in a linear fashion in a location that, perhaps because of the quirks of the location’s shelves, just so happens to be somewhat adjacent to another checkout, then please stop reading this blog. Take it out of your RSS feed. Delete it from your bookmarks. Unfriend my page on Facebook. I don’t want my blog associated with you.

Because here’s a newsflash: THERE’S ONE LINE!

It’s not hard. You get in line, and the next person goes to the next available register. We can build the pyramids, we can organize governments that serve millions of people, we can write symphonies, but we can’t stand in line properly?

King of all villains

Holy Moses in a basket, what kind of sociopolitical levels of self-unawareness are we dealing with here? Entire physics departments at our top universities must be spending CAREERS trying to develop a gauge calibrated finely enough to accurately measure the degree of jackassery in these people, and they’re failing! This is the kind of person that probably got to the store by cruising down the shoulder to bypass a traffic jam. The line-flouting, though, is the more brazen and egregious sin, because the only deterrent to this Alexander the Great of pricks is the forlorn, sunken visages of the poor plebs that he’s slapping in the face, and yet he STILL SOLDIERS ON!

Enjoy those cherry tomatoes, jerk. Don’t choke on them or anything.

So my aunt and uncle got me a Crock Pot for Christmas. It’s the perfect kind of gift: something that I would probably never think to get for myself, but once I got it, I thought of a thousand different things I wanted to do with it. (Plus, it came with a cookbook with a couple hundred recipes.) I decided on something easy breezy to give the thing a spin, so I bought a pork shoulder and made some pulled pork.

Mm mm

I don’t want to belabor a term here, but eating this pulled pork was like getting smashed in the flavor bone with a taste hammer. It was SO GOOD. This was only a trial run, so I used some barbecue sauce that I bought at Shaw’s, but I’d like to do it homemade next time, so if anyone has a sauce recipe, let me know in comments. I’m thinking I’d be interested in more of a Carolina-style sauce.

Don’t be a woman.

Don’t drink poison.

Don’t forget how to read.

The last episode before spring break! Will any of our unanswered questions get answered? Will Lily turn herself in? Will Russell Thorpe succeed in wresting Bass Industries from Chuck’s hands? Will there be an example of mistaken identity that strains what’s been portrayed as an unstrainable relationship? Come on guy, this is Gossip Girl. Of course that’s going to happen. On with the diary!

:01 This scene with the DA reminds me of that Chappelle’s Show sketch, about Tron Carter and justice.

:03 Dorota: “I have a sixth sense.”
Blair: “You have no sense.”

:05 Isn’t it funny that Nate just suggested going to Blondie’s to watch Villanova whoop ass on Notre Dame . . . and IRL, Notre Dame just slaughtered Villanova.

:08 Ooooooooh. Ben hasn’t told his mother, whose son’s life was ruined by Serena and her mother, about his and Serena’s love affair. Great! What does Serena expect, though? Telling mommy you’re shacking up with the girl that sent you to prison seems like an unnecessary hassle. It’s Serena. This relationship will be over in six episodes.

:12 Interesting. I never knew the hallway outside Rufus’s loft was so narrow. How about that?

:13 The ol’ jumpsuit in the dry cleaning gag. Who is Thorpe, the fucking Joker?

Dan, broaching the topic of B with Rufus: “I need to keep the details vague.”
Rufus: “The vaguer the better. It makes parenting more challenging.”

:15 I LOVE it that Dorota calls Dan “Lonely Boy.”

:16 We all saw that “lactose intolerant” bit coming 10,000 miles away.

:22 Whenever I see a commercial about split ends, I always wind up thinking that the woman’s hair doesn’t look that bad with the split ends. Does that make me a modern, enlightened male? Or just an idiot?

:26 Sending a preliminary text to Gossip Girl sounds like a successful idea, Blair.

:28 It’s not possible that Ben’s mother took the affidavit, right? I don’t remember if someone else has it!

:31 Look at the timestamp, precious readers. It’s the second half of the episode. Time for the party that gets all of our characters in the same place.

:34 Shorter Serena: Ben, be honest with me about the terrible things you did in prison while you thought I had ruined your life so I can hold them against you now.

:35 Ah-ha! Mrs. Sharpe is Thorpe’s pawn. I love it.

:38 Oh man, I thought Rena wasn’t going to pop out because she was busy smooching with Nate. That would have been great!

:44 Rena: “You’re smarter than you look, Archibald.”
Nate: “I get that a lot.”
Low-hanging fruit!

:47 Did I say this relationship would be over in six episodes? I meant a half an episode.

:49 Blair: “It’s been nice not being friends with you.”
Dan: “Let’s not do it again sometime.”
I dunno. I think we need this kind of banter on this show!

:53 Shorter Lily: My daughter smiles at me, so it’s cool to go to jail.

:57 Ugh. This isn’t really gonna happen, is it?

:58 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . .

:59 Oh come on! No new GG until April 18? That’s nonsense!