Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

Sometimes, you run across a piece of prose that touches your heart with the poignancy of its undiluted, universal truth in such a way that, had it not been written more than a hundred years ago, you feel it could have issued forth from your own pen. In all my years, of all the brilliant writers I’ve read, of all the insightful arguments I’ve consumed, none have ever found themselves in such lockstep agreement with my own sentiments and perspective as this piece from the May 3, 1902 edition of the New York Times, simply and appropriately titled “Pie.” Precious readers, I can assure you that you’ll never find a clearer, more illuminating window into how I look at the world (well, maybe not the “woman’s baneful influence over man” part). Please read it. Hat tip to Lawyers, Guns, and Money for this wonderful treasure.

Sorry for missing last week’s Gossip Girl diary, guys! I was actually off reporting on an assignment for my real job as a professional writer. I ended up watching it online, and I have to say, it’s for the best that you weren’t able to see my real-time thoughts, because they would have consisted mostly of “SWEET FANCY MOSES, HE’S A FICTION WRITER!” and “YOU PEOPLE ARE MORONS, DON’T YOU REMEMBER HOW CRAPPILY YOU’VE TREATED DAN, HE CAN’T HAVE WRITTEN ANYTHING THAT WASN’T ALREADY ON A GOSSIP GIRL BLAST!” and “CHRIST ON A BIKE, RUFUS, YOU ARE THE PLATONIC IDEAL OF AN IDIOT!” I mean, that felt good to type out, but it might not be the most entertaining blog post ever. Anyway, on with this week’s diary!

:00 I just want to say here, w.r.t. last week, that I don’t think Daniel Day Lewis, or his agents, or anyone, gives a flying fuck about the fictional portrayal of the behavior of a film producer’s assistant. Just a hunch based on nothing!

:02 Didn’t Elizabeth Hurley fire all her employees? When’d they come back?

My life, like Eleanor’s and Blair’s, is better when Cyrus is around.

:04 Rufus shuns his own son, but he’s living in the same house as this snake Ivy. I demand comeuppance!

:05 Dan, to Nate: “I’m sorry I made you half a person in my novel, but you’ve forgiven people for much worse.” Dan isn’t wrong here, but he’s taking the wrong strategy by ceding the rhetorical high ground to Nate. His answer should have been “IT’S FICTION, YOU ASSHOLE, THERE ARE CHARACTERS WHO ARE CONFLATED, IT’S HOW ART WORKS!”

:08 Again, when Serena says “how you portrayed me in your book,” Dan needs to say “You mean the fake character that was partially based on you?”

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun are familiar with the fact that I believe Dan and Serena’s love transcends reality, but I guess when the rubber hits the road, my loyalty lies with Lonely Boy. I can’t wait for this duplicitous contrition scheme to blow up in S’s face!

:14 Serena won’t be happy when Dan’s book gets optioned! Because she’s not really Dan’s friend!

So at what point does someone call in like, Poppy Lifton to help wreak revenge on Prince Louis’s trifling sister.

:19 This Daniel Day Lewis thing is really aggravating me! Serena’s boss if treating her like straight up trash, but if her past is so important that it could potentially sink lucrative movie deals, shouldn’t a prospective employer have done some perfunctory research? It’s all there on Gossip Girl! Point being, just fire the girl already so she can pal around with Blair.

:20 So Blair gets brushed off a couple times by Serena, and all of a sudden “everyone is moving on with their lives”? When did the people on this show become such babies? (Don’t answer that.)

:26 Nate: “You just have to show you’re more interested in what matters to the woman than you are in the woman’s . . .”
Chuck: “. . . matters.” Oh, you boys.

So, is Chuck going to convince this psychiatrist lady to skip her own Yom Kippur celebration to go to the Waldorf’s, hence getting everyone in the same room in traditional Gossip Girl fashion.

:29 F. Scott Fitzjackass! I dig it!

:38 All this royal family stuff is well and good, but am I the only one who thinks it would be more compelling if GG took place in a time where these things were decided by armies of guys with broadswords?

:44 Sophia is awful, but she’s not wrong about Blair. She can’t be trusted!

:45 Ugh, Nate. You’re gonna turn your back, and Ivy isn’t going to return those documents. Watch.

:46 We’re meant to believe that based on her quick (and accurate) diagnosis that this psychiatrist is supposed to be really good. But then we remember that Chuck Bass wears his psychological issues like a bright paisley ascot. Even a monkey could diagnose him!

:47 Dan: “It’s a novel. It’s inspired by a lot of things.” Finally! Also, this “love of my life” bullshit that Serena is bullshitting Dan with is like, totally nonsense.

GG: “That’s the thing about writing what you know. Pretty soon everyone else knows it too.” That’s cold, Gossip Girl. Cold, but fair!

:53 A constant stream of content, 24 hours a day? Good luck, Elizabeth Hurley!

:57 Can we please get Dan and Serena back together? I know I’ve been hard on the both of them, but if you give them another chance, I swear I’ll be better.

:58 How come, on TV, when someone burns something in their office wastebasket, the wastebasket is empty?

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun understand that I love the Yankees. They're playing the Tigers tonight in the deciding game of the American League Division Series.

Even though the Yanks had the best record in the league this season, and the most championships of any team ever, I'm always pessimistic about their playoff chances. This understandably infuriates fans of other teams.

The Yankees are playing the Tigers. Here's their coach, Jim Leyland.

Yankees starter just gave up back to back home runs in the first inning. Here's a picture of what almost happened here at DD&U HQ.

The Official Philadelphia Correspondent of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun just asked if A-Rod has been playing this series. It's a credible question! Dude's been absent.

Number 11 is a Gardener. He grows hits. Good thing he bats ninth.

Here is Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun’s official position on Joe Girardi removing Phil Hughes after an inning and a third:

I was saying Boone Logan.

Brett Gardner's foulout with the bases loaded gave me time to draw this pond full of ducks. It's still 2-0 Tigers in the top of the fifth.

CC Sabathia just intentionally walked Miguel Cabrera to put men on first and second with two outs. John Smoltz said that the next batter, Victor Martinez, bats .343 when Cabrera is IBBed, and hence 'comes through more often than not.' Regular doers of math understand that this just isn't true. Of course, Martinez smacked an RBI single, so I guess for baseball purposes, it is.

It's easier to draw pictures of boats than ballplayers. Robbie Canoe just put the Yanks on the board with a solo home run in the bottom of the fifth. 3-1 Tigers.

Raphael Soriano coming into an elimination game in an important spot? I'd better change into my v-neck. #pullscollar

In completely non-baseball-related news, does anyone know what happened to the giant bottle of wine I was drinking?

Tigers reliever Joaquin Benoit: 'What's the problem?'

Usually, just by aiming my laptop screen at a plate or a pot. To wit, this chicken soup I made the other day.

Those shadows are purely for effect.

It doesn’t make a difference to me! The food usually turns out pretty good. Eating that soup, for instance, was like getting smashed in the taste bone with a flavor mallet.

However, comma, not everyone has such a poor attitude toward food photography! My dear friend Meg has a food blog (appropriately titled Meg in the Kitchen) that not only looks excellent, but features great recipes. Meg is a fantastic cook, and she’s also studying to be a nutritionist, so you can count on her to not lead you the wrong way when it comes to wholesome ingredients. So bookmark it!

Gossip Girl is back, and isn’t pulling any punches! Blair: pregnant! Dan: involved in a convoluted transatlantic plot involving a surreptitiously published novel! Chuck: on a quest of self-destruction! Amazingly, Serena is in the most stable shape of anyone on the show, a trend that’s nearly guaranteed to not continue. But let’s find out!

:01 Ugh. This Foster the People song is fucking terrible. It’s the Jenny Humphrey of songs. Interesting, that Taylor Momsen hasn’t written the Jenny Humphrey of songs. Yet.

:02 Blair Cornelia Waldorf!

:03 See this outfit Chuck is wearing? The waistcoat without the blazer? I’m trying this out this weekend. I can pull it off, right?

Nate: “I can’t stop thinking about that woman from LA.”
Chuck: “It’s understandable, given your mother issues.”

So we’re to believe that Chuck Schumer and Lloyd Blankfein are fighting over Nate? Clueless en-bangsed dopes don’t grow on trees, I suppose.

:05 If I still had a DVR, of course I would pause the show and scan Dan’s bookcase. It’s probably pretentious to the point of making me want to throw my laptop out the window.

:08 Louis’s sister Beatrice clearly has a scheme. She’s a character on Gossip Girl, after all.

:10 Ugh. Tampa Bay is coming back: it’s 4–3 in favor of Texas in the bottom of the eighth, but Longoria is up with no outs and a man on first. If I weren’t so convinced the Yanks were going to lose to the Tigers, I would be frightened.

:14 I love watching Charlie squirm so much. That’s how you know the writers will find a way to make her a sympathetic character, so I’ll be made to feel like an asshole for delighting in her misery.

:15 Nate’s got a concierge doctor? Is that like a mob doctor?

:17 Beatrice kinda sounds like a female Jean Girard.

:19 Nate to the doctor: “You should see his medicine cabinet. Some of that stuff isn’t even legal in Mexico.” Way to go, Nate. I guess a concierge doctor IS like a mob doctor.

:20 Do you think Greg Maddux throws on a fake ‘stache and dresses up like his brother for Halloween? It would be uncanny!

:28 Charlie is passing bad checks! They’re gonna put her picture up at the realty office.

:30 Chuck: “If you want to fight we can strike a deal.”
Dan: “That would defeat the purpose of me making sure you don’t get hurt.” Oh snap! Maximum pwnage from Lonelyboy!

:32 What a great chart. Justin Verlander’s velocity goes up as the game goes on. Tremendous.

:34 Charlie: “We’ll be like Bonnie and Clyde.”
Her feckless boyfriend: “Without the killing and robbery and car chases.”

:35 I don’t have my finger on the pulse of eating disorder issues, but this bulimia/pregnancy sickness mistaken identity subplot is making me a little uncomfortable.

:37 Um, did Nate and Liz Hurley just do it in the foyer?

:38 So Serena didn’t actually find out what happened, right?

:39 Dan, on being in the bathroom with Blair. “I don’t know if our friendship can handle this.”
Blair: “Friendship is a tenuous term. Now be a gentleman and run the water.”

So Beatrice walks in on Blair as she admits her secret to Dan. I guess they’ve run out of ways for people to eavesdrop on one another and they’re going back to page one.

:43 Hey, the Yanks scored! This is a good sign.

:45 Two instances of someone walking in on the telling of a secret within minutes! Cmon, GG!

:47 We’re setting up a dramatic confrontation when the real Charlie shows up, right?

:48 Ha! Chuck’s safe word is “stop.”

Chuck to Dan, on his troubles: “I feel nothing. When I jump off a building, when I crash a motorcycle. Even you don’t irritate me.”

:49 Nate, you fool. You pretty, pretty fool. Giving up actual real-life opportunities in order to work at a company that doesn’t even exist for a woman whose name you learned only hours earlier! I wish this weren’t so believable!

:51 Hey, the Yanks scored another run!

:54 Charlie, please don’t drag this Max guy into your web of deceit. He’s too much of a sweetheart.

Oh. Good. You’re just going to dump him. Only on TV is “I wish I could explain better, but I can’t” an effective breakup line.

:55 Hey, duplicitous, vow-breaking priests! This is new territory for GG! I dig it.

:56 I was wondering how they were gonna get Serena back in New York. “Oh, my movie-producer boss isn’t actually working in LA, but she only just now told me. Isn’t that funny?”

:58 Not that I’ve got abortion pennants on my walls and a collection of abortion baseball cards, but would it be so hard for the possibility of Blair terminating her pregnancy to be something that’s actually explored on screen, and not dismissed in a few words?