Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

I used to play Scrabulous on Facebook, and then the other version after the Scrabble folks sued, so although I never got into Words with Friends—Zynga’s ultra-popular social Scrabble analogue—I knew exactly what my friend Reeves was talking about when he wrote this piece for The Awl. I’ll let him elucidate the issue:

In short, the problem we face is an epidemic of guessing. Unlike traditional Scrabble, where you can demand, on the spot, that your opponent find “zax” in the dictionary, “Words with Friends” opponents can be separated by zip codes, boroughs, even time zones. The game offers no penalty against guessing—it simply declines your attempt, politely encouraging you to try another improbable-but-high-scoring combination of letters.

The same complaints that commentators have about social networking degrading our interpersonal relationships and the anonymity of the Internet allowing us to adopt bolder and brasher personas apply to Words with Friends: words that you would never have the audacity, much less the knowledge, to place on a board laid out on a table between yourself and your friend become the cudgel you use to bludgeon your buddy via your smartphone and wireless network.

xxqjixghz (noun): the sound of your favorite blogger going off the effing deep end

I got a Kindle Fire for Christmas, and immediately downloaded the Words with Friends app. Since then, I’ve been treated to words like talas, gorals, squeg, and lins. To say nothing of those lame two- and three-letter words that are coincidentally formed when someone lays a real word down next to a group of letters already on the board.

It’s infuriating. Reeves and I have a similar mentality, a belief in playing the game the right way. You don’t throw tiles haphazardly on the board. You don’t play a word you wouldn’t be confident playing on a real board. You don’t immediately look up the definition of the bullshit word you just played so that you can immediately cite it when you get called out. But you can only lose so many games before you wonder what the point of playing the game the right way is, if everyone else is going to play the wrong way.

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun understand that I’m nothing if not dedicated to self-discovery and improvement. As I continued to think about Words with Friends, I came to realize the hubris behind my attitude. I was concerned with playing the game the right way, but what game? In Words with Friends, the game will reject any combination of letters it doesn’t consider to be a word. In Words with Friends, there’s no requirement that you know a word, or are least confident that a word exists, before you play it. I was holding myself to, and more importantly judging my friends based on, a code of conduct that existed in my own head. Because the fundamental fact of Words with Friends is this: is isn’t Scrabble.

It looks like Scrabble. It smells like Scrabble. But it isn’t. Softball looks kind of like baseball; gin looks kind of like 500 rummy. But none of these games are the same! If they were, their names wouldn’t be spelled and pronounced differently. There’s no sense in playing if you’re going to try to impose the rules of one on the other.

It may sound stupid, but it’s been liberating, playing the actual game that you’re playing. However, comma, don’t expect me to be able to use “doit” in a sentence.

Sorry for missing last week’s Gossip Girl diary, guys! I was actually off reporting on an assignment for my real job as a professional writer. I ended up watching it online, and I have to say, it’s for the best that you weren’t able to see my real-time thoughts, because they would have consisted mostly of “SWEET FANCY MOSES, HE’S A FICTION WRITER!” and “YOU PEOPLE ARE MORONS, DON’T YOU REMEMBER HOW CRAPPILY YOU’VE TREATED DAN, HE CAN’T HAVE WRITTEN ANYTHING THAT WASN’T ALREADY ON A GOSSIP GIRL BLAST!” and “CHRIST ON A BIKE, RUFUS, YOU ARE THE PLATONIC IDEAL OF AN IDIOT!” I mean, that felt good to type out, but it might not be the most entertaining blog post ever. Anyway, on with this week’s diary!

:00 I just want to say here, w.r.t. last week, that I don’t think Daniel Day Lewis, or his agents, or anyone, gives a flying fuck about the fictional portrayal of the behavior of a film producer’s assistant. Just a hunch based on nothing!

:02 Didn’t Elizabeth Hurley fire all her employees? When’d they come back?

My life, like Eleanor’s and Blair’s, is better when Cyrus is around.

:04 Rufus shuns his own son, but he’s living in the same house as this snake Ivy. I demand comeuppance!

:05 Dan, to Nate: “I’m sorry I made you half a person in my novel, but you’ve forgiven people for much worse.” Dan isn’t wrong here, but he’s taking the wrong strategy by ceding the rhetorical high ground to Nate. His answer should have been “IT’S FICTION, YOU ASSHOLE, THERE ARE CHARACTERS WHO ARE CONFLATED, IT’S HOW ART WORKS!”

:08 Again, when Serena says “how you portrayed me in your book,” Dan needs to say “You mean the fake character that was partially based on you?”

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun are familiar with the fact that I believe Dan and Serena’s love transcends reality, but I guess when the rubber hits the road, my loyalty lies with Lonely Boy. I can’t wait for this duplicitous contrition scheme to blow up in S’s face!

:14 Serena won’t be happy when Dan’s book gets optioned! Because she’s not really Dan’s friend!

So at what point does someone call in like, Poppy Lifton to help wreak revenge on Prince Louis’s trifling sister.

:19 This Daniel Day Lewis thing is really aggravating me! Serena’s boss if treating her like straight up trash, but if her past is so important that it could potentially sink lucrative movie deals, shouldn’t a prospective employer have done some perfunctory research? It’s all there on Gossip Girl! Point being, just fire the girl already so she can pal around with Blair.

:20 So Blair gets brushed off a couple times by Serena, and all of a sudden “everyone is moving on with their lives”? When did the people on this show become such babies? (Don’t answer that.)

:26 Nate: “You just have to show you’re more interested in what matters to the woman than you are in the woman’s . . .”
Chuck: “. . . matters.” Oh, you boys.

So, is Chuck going to convince this psychiatrist lady to skip her own Yom Kippur celebration to go to the Waldorf’s, hence getting everyone in the same room in traditional Gossip Girl fashion.

:29 F. Scott Fitzjackass! I dig it!

:38 All this royal family stuff is well and good, but am I the only one who thinks it would be more compelling if GG took place in a time where these things were decided by armies of guys with broadswords?

:44 Sophia is awful, but she’s not wrong about Blair. She can’t be trusted!

:45 Ugh, Nate. You’re gonna turn your back, and Ivy isn’t going to return those documents. Watch.

:46 We’re meant to believe that based on her quick (and accurate) diagnosis that this psychiatrist is supposed to be really good. But then we remember that Chuck Bass wears his psychological issues like a bright paisley ascot. Even a monkey could diagnose him!

:47 Dan: “It’s a novel. It’s inspired by a lot of things.” Finally! Also, this “love of my life” bullshit that Serena is bullshitting Dan with is like, totally nonsense.

GG: “That’s the thing about writing what you know. Pretty soon everyone else knows it too.” That’s cold, Gossip Girl. Cold, but fair!

:53 A constant stream of content, 24 hours a day? Good luck, Elizabeth Hurley!

:57 Can we please get Dan and Serena back together? I know I’ve been hard on the both of them, but if you give them another chance, I swear I’ll be better.

:58 How come, on TV, when someone burns something in their office wastebasket, the wastebasket is empty?

Gossip Girl is back, and isn’t pulling any punches! Blair: pregnant! Dan: involved in a convoluted transatlantic plot involving a surreptitiously published novel! Chuck: on a quest of self-destruction! Amazingly, Serena is in the most stable shape of anyone on the show, a trend that’s nearly guaranteed to not continue. But let’s find out!

:01 Ugh. This Foster the People song is fucking terrible. It’s the Jenny Humphrey of songs. Interesting, that Taylor Momsen hasn’t written the Jenny Humphrey of songs. Yet.

:02 Blair Cornelia Waldorf!

:03 See this outfit Chuck is wearing? The waistcoat without the blazer? I’m trying this out this weekend. I can pull it off, right?

Nate: “I can’t stop thinking about that woman from LA.”
Chuck: “It’s understandable, given your mother issues.”

So we’re to believe that Chuck Schumer and Lloyd Blankfein are fighting over Nate? Clueless en-bangsed dopes don’t grow on trees, I suppose.

:05 If I still had a DVR, of course I would pause the show and scan Dan’s bookcase. It’s probably pretentious to the point of making me want to throw my laptop out the window.

:08 Louis’s sister Beatrice clearly has a scheme. She’s a character on Gossip Girl, after all.

:10 Ugh. Tampa Bay is coming back: it’s 4–3 in favor of Texas in the bottom of the eighth, but Longoria is up with no outs and a man on first. If I weren’t so convinced the Yanks were going to lose to the Tigers, I would be frightened.

:14 I love watching Charlie squirm so much. That’s how you know the writers will find a way to make her a sympathetic character, so I’ll be made to feel like an asshole for delighting in her misery.

:15 Nate’s got a concierge doctor? Is that like a mob doctor?

:17 Beatrice kinda sounds like a female Jean Girard.

:19 Nate to the doctor: “You should see his medicine cabinet. Some of that stuff isn’t even legal in Mexico.” Way to go, Nate. I guess a concierge doctor IS like a mob doctor.

:20 Do you think Greg Maddux throws on a fake ‘stache and dresses up like his brother for Halloween? It would be uncanny!

:28 Charlie is passing bad checks! They’re gonna put her picture up at the realty office.

:30 Chuck: “If you want to fight we can strike a deal.”
Dan: “That would defeat the purpose of me making sure you don’t get hurt.” Oh snap! Maximum pwnage from Lonelyboy!

:32 What a great chart. Justin Verlander’s velocity goes up as the game goes on. Tremendous.

:34 Charlie: “We’ll be like Bonnie and Clyde.”
Her feckless boyfriend: “Without the killing and robbery and car chases.”

:35 I don’t have my finger on the pulse of eating disorder issues, but this bulimia/pregnancy sickness mistaken identity subplot is making me a little uncomfortable.

:37 Um, did Nate and Liz Hurley just do it in the foyer?

:38 So Serena didn’t actually find out what happened, right?

:39 Dan, on being in the bathroom with Blair. “I don’t know if our friendship can handle this.”
Blair: “Friendship is a tenuous term. Now be a gentleman and run the water.”

So Beatrice walks in on Blair as she admits her secret to Dan. I guess they’ve run out of ways for people to eavesdrop on one another and they’re going back to page one.

:43 Hey, the Yanks scored! This is a good sign.

:45 Two instances of someone walking in on the telling of a secret within minutes! Cmon, GG!

:47 We’re setting up a dramatic confrontation when the real Charlie shows up, right?

:48 Ha! Chuck’s safe word is “stop.”

Chuck to Dan, on his troubles: “I feel nothing. When I jump off a building, when I crash a motorcycle. Even you don’t irritate me.”

:49 Nate, you fool. You pretty, pretty fool. Giving up actual real-life opportunities in order to work at a company that doesn’t even exist for a woman whose name you learned only hours earlier! I wish this weren’t so believable!

:51 Hey, the Yanks scored another run!

:54 Charlie, please don’t drag this Max guy into your web of deceit. He’s too much of a sweetheart.

Oh. Good. You’re just going to dump him. Only on TV is “I wish I could explain better, but I can’t” an effective breakup line.

:55 Hey, duplicitous, vow-breaking priests! This is new territory for GG! I dig it.

:56 I was wondering how they were gonna get Serena back in New York. “Oh, my movie-producer boss isn’t actually working in LA, but she only just now told me. Isn’t that funny?”

:58 Not that I’ve got abortion pennants on my walls and a collection of abortion baseball cards, but would it be so hard for the possibility of Blair terminating her pregnancy to be something that’s actually explored on screen, and not dismissed in a few words?

I emerged from the subway this evening to see the last rays of the setting sun reflect off the spire of the Old North Church; it wasn’t yet seven o’clock. I was already imagining the days, not far off, when I would step out of the dark underground and be greeted only by more darkness. I walked home under the pallid lamps of Government Center, their wan, orange glow grotesque compared even to the languid remains of the sunlight. A few tourists still roamed Faneuil Hall, shuffling aimlessly, visibly affected by the swiftly vanishing daylight, desperately grasping at the final traces of summer, a season that, much like sand, and love, slips more rapidly through one’s fingers the tighter one tries to hold it.

Although the thermometer persists in thumbing its nose at grim reality, the fact remains that autumn, a grim season of all-too-brief splendor followed by inexorable decay, is upon us. Every leaf that falls is another page off the calendar, another season growing ever smaller in the rear view mirror until its very memory grows indistinct before it, like all the seasons before, fades away like mist. Perhaps the cruelest of autumn’s somber portents is its reminder that summer’s warmth and cheer are illusory. It’s fall, a season that ends, like every life, in death, that is the truest metaphor for our own existence.

And yet, there remains reason for optimism. After all, if it’s autumn, that means Gossip Girl is back. Consequently, the Gossip Girl Diary is back, too! When last we left the gang, Serena had fallen ass backwards into a job on a movie set, Blair was running off with the prince of Monaco, Vanessa was surreptitiously selling Dan’s stolen manuscript, and Nate and Chuck were being Nate and Chuck. I couldn’t be more overjoyed for Gossip Girl to be back, precious readers. Let’s have some adventures!

8:00 I still think it’s dumb that Blair ran off with Prince Louis. They don’t know each other! Also, good thing I looked up when this ep started. I was assuming it was 9!

8:01 I tried reading The Beautiful and Damned one time, but the book was too smile and it was hard to read. Like, it hurt my hands AND my eyes.

8:02 The big gold pendant on Serena’s necklace looks kinda like the Stonecutter’s symbol. How shall we parse this?

8:04 Dan is on an artists and writers softball team? I hope there’s a mercy rule in that league.

Chuck: “If you hear anything crazy, it means I’m doing something right.” I felt so clean and wholesome during the summer. I feel Chuck’s sliminess through the screen. And the TV isn’t even high-def!

8:06 Eleanor: “Our guests will be sitting longer than a Terrence Mallick movie!” This is actually true, I saw Tree of Life. It was long!

Chuck is pursuing an all-yes strategy. Is he taking cues from Dennis Reynolds?

8:10 Blair on wedding planning: “I’ve already lost on the food, the flowers, and the font. A typeface joke! With alliteration!

Poor Dorota. I bet she hates herself for understanding the nonsense cadence and diction of Gossip Girl blasts.

8:14 Blair to Serena: “Stop being so rational and trying to see both sides. . . . Hand me downs are for charity and younger children, not the bride on her wedding day.” I’ll say it every week: I wish real people talked like Blair. Also, Serena’s advice to go along with wearing Sophie’s dress is actually very clever and astute.

8:17 Need I remind you all that Dan is still in college, but he’s already been published in the New Yorker and is about to be published in Vanity Fair. I didn’t even READ those magazines at his age. (Bonus comment: If Graydon Carter ever in his life ever sat down and read an anonymous short story submission for possible inclusion in his magazine, I’ll eat my hat.)

8:20 Jumping off a building and then asking out the student coordinator before he has a chance to catch his breath? I could get used to Chuck Bass as Indiana Jones.

8:26 Nate: “Sometimes I wish I could just reinvent myself.” Way to introduce your own plotline, Nate! Thanks for the signpost.

Eleanor: “Testing a good man who loves you never ends well.” Listen to your mother, Blair. She’s wiser than you ever will be. It’s GG! You know he’ll somehow fail the test!

8:28 Classic Gossip Girlian antics. Dan compels Louis to do something (quash the anonymous and inflammatory short story) in his own and Blair’s best interest, causing him to let Blair down, but it’s the type of thing that has to be kept a secret, so Blair will get pissed at him, imperiling the entire wedding.

8:33 Ah. Marshall sabotaged Serena by getting her to buy weed for the star. I guess I’m still too dumb to not see the new guy for what he always is: a villain. I’m too naïve and trusting for this show!

8:35 . . . but at least I saw this Blair and Louis thing as it materialized.

8:37 Who could have predicted that Dan would ever say to blair “Of course I am [your friend]”?

8:44 This stunt lady has already recognized Chuck’s dark past. It’s been what, a day? That’s a new record!

Nate: “And you are?”
Elizabeth Hurley: “Done now.” Ding ding!

8:45 Shorter Marshall: I tried to fuck you over because I have student loans. Christ, what an asshole.

8:48 I’m not really as enthusiastic about a Rock ’Em Sock ’Em Robots movie as I would have been when I was like, six.

And I love Rachel Bilson, but I dunno if I’ll be watching her new show. I need to uh, polish my Gossip Girl notes.

8:52 Chuck Bass: “People like me don’t write books. We’re written about.” Bravo, Chuck. Bravo.

8:53 Does Dorota really need to read What to Expect When You’re Expecting? Doesn’t she already know?

8:54 So Jane gave Serena a bunch more tasks. Does that mean that Marshall lost his job? Because even though he’s a bit of a juicebox, his bit about Serena not needing the job was kind of persuasive and sympathetic.

8:56 Nobody could have predicted that Vanessa taking well-intentioned but unilateral action on Dan’s novel would have unintended negative consequences.

8:59 Charlie could really use some comeuppance. Can’t wait for that!

I’ve been seeing ads for this new series on USA, Necessary Roughness. Like a lot of promos for shows that haven’t premiered yet, 1) it was kind of vague, and B) I didn’t pay close attention to it. So I’ve just been assuming it’s based on the hilarious 1991 Scott Bakula film.

You know, kinda like how Friday Night Lights the show is based on Friday Night Lights the movie is based on Friday Night Lights the book. Apparently, no! It’s about some psychologist consumed by inner turmoil or something. Who cares!

If you’re like me, you watch a lot of repeats on those syndicated TV show channels. A hallmark of these types of channels, at least at the times I watch them, are ads for for-profit colleges. You know the type, if not the actual schools: become a medical assistant, go to culinary school, and c. Let’s not have a discussion about how . . . ethical . . . these for-profit operations are. Let’s talk about the commercials, though.

The script is always the same, with subtle variations. Some attractive and exuberant actor gets up and talks about jump starting your career, about exciting opportunities in X field, flexible hours, financial aid available. Yada yada yada. It’s a commercial making a pitch, like every other commercial making a pitch. Then it ends.

And then it starts up again. Except this time, it’s a beheadsetted actor in a call center, ostensibly representing the real person you’d be talking to if you called the number that the previous commercial told you to call. And then this person will say that they hope that commercial inspired you to take hold of your dreams or something, and they’ll repeat the number and tell you to call. And then the commercial will finally be over for real.

What’s up with this call center post-commercial? How come you don’t see it for like, car commercials? Where you see a Jeep Cherokee barreling through the mud, and the ad fades, and then another commercial with lower production values starts up, and a car salesman looks you in the face and tells you he hopes that commercial got you excited about Jeeps, and hopefully you’ll come on by and purchase one. I don’t know if it’s effective or not, although there’s got to be someone doing research about this, because almost every for-profit college ad is like that! I don’t get it.

So this is it! The debut battle on Contest of Champions! The fearsome Parallax creature versus the powerful Phoenix Force! I’m defending Parallax, so check out Contest of Champions and vote for your favorite blogger: me! I’m counting on DD&U Nation for a strong turnout.

And if you forgot what CoC is all about, just click here!

Friends of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun might be aware that I’ve been working on a side project with my buddy Miles (he of Now Is Not the Rhyme fame) for quite some time. Like, years. Well, all of that hard work has paid off: Contest of Champions is live!

Miles and I work together. Once we figured out that we both liked comic books, we distracted ourselves in the office by tossing ludicrous match-ups at each other. Like, I’d turn around in the middle of the day, completely unprovoked, and asked “Who would win in a fight: Rocket Red or the Crimson Dynamo?” Or he would ask “Who would win in a fight: Bat-Mite or Spider-Ham?” It never really went further than that, but as these hypothetical match-ups started to pile up, we began to wonder if we could do something with them. Miles and I figured that since we bicker about everything else, we might as well bicker about superheroes on the Internet.

The principle is this: Every couple weeks or so, Contest of Champions will feature a fight between two somehow related heroes or villains. (So, for instance, in the example above, Rocket Red and the Crimson Dynamo would square off because they’re both Soviet-engineered robot suits.) The idea behind the whole thing is to pick battles that have probably never happened before; there’s no sense in arguing about Superman versus Batman or Green Lantern versus the Silver Surfer. We’ve seen those fights before! Miles and myself will each represent a combatant, and we’ll pretty much just argue about who would win in a fight. You know exactly how it’ll work, you did it all the time when you were a kid!

Series 2!

And because this is the Internet, we’re going to get the readers involved. Once Miles and I are done arguing, you guys get to vote on who you think was more persuasive. Or, if you want to treat it like a popularity contest, you can just vote for me all the time. Or if you’re spiteful, you can vote for Miles all the time. But at least at first, let’s try to maintain the integrity of the “may the best man win” ethos of the site, eh? Miles definitely knows more about comics than I do, but as you can see from my Marvel card to the left, my Ability to Banter Well with Villains is quite literally unchartable, so I figure I’ll be able to hold my own.

It’s been a long road, and Miles worked really hard putting together what I think is just a dynamite-looking website. (He’s responsible for more or less the entire visual conceit of the site; I gave the thumbs-up to everything, though!) There were times when I thought this thing would never happen, but here we are. Now is when the fun starts. So throw contestofchampions.net into your bookmarks or you RSS feed, Like our page on Facebook, follow our Twitter, all that stuff. It’s going to be a good time.

The last episode before spring break! Will any of our unanswered questions get answered? Will Lily turn herself in? Will Russell Thorpe succeed in wresting Bass Industries from Chuck’s hands? Will there be an example of mistaken identity that strains what’s been portrayed as an unstrainable relationship? Come on guy, this is Gossip Girl. Of course that’s going to happen. On with the diary!

:01 This scene with the DA reminds me of that Chappelle’s Show sketch, about Tron Carter and justice.

:03 Dorota: “I have a sixth sense.”
Blair: “You have no sense.”

:05 Isn’t it funny that Nate just suggested going to Blondie’s to watch Villanova whoop ass on Notre Dame . . . and IRL, Notre Dame just slaughtered Villanova.

:08 Ooooooooh. Ben hasn’t told his mother, whose son’s life was ruined by Serena and her mother, about his and Serena’s love affair. Great! What does Serena expect, though? Telling mommy you’re shacking up with the girl that sent you to prison seems like an unnecessary hassle. It’s Serena. This relationship will be over in six episodes.

:12 Interesting. I never knew the hallway outside Rufus’s loft was so narrow. How about that?

:13 The ol’ jumpsuit in the dry cleaning gag. Who is Thorpe, the fucking Joker?

Dan, broaching the topic of B with Rufus: “I need to keep the details vague.”
Rufus: “The vaguer the better. It makes parenting more challenging.”

:15 I LOVE it that Dorota calls Dan “Lonely Boy.”

:16 We all saw that “lactose intolerant” bit coming 10,000 miles away.

:22 Whenever I see a commercial about split ends, I always wind up thinking that the woman’s hair doesn’t look that bad with the split ends. Does that make me a modern, enlightened male? Or just an idiot?

:26 Sending a preliminary text to Gossip Girl sounds like a successful idea, Blair.

:28 It’s not possible that Ben’s mother took the affidavit, right? I don’t remember if someone else has it!

:31 Look at the timestamp, precious readers. It’s the second half of the episode. Time for the party that gets all of our characters in the same place.

:34 Shorter Serena: Ben, be honest with me about the terrible things you did in prison while you thought I had ruined your life so I can hold them against you now.

:35 Ah-ha! Mrs. Sharpe is Thorpe’s pawn. I love it.

:38 Oh man, I thought Rena wasn’t going to pop out because she was busy smooching with Nate. That would have been great!

:44 Rena: “You’re smarter than you look, Archibald.”
Nate: “I get that a lot.”
Low-hanging fruit!

:47 Did I say this relationship would be over in six episodes? I meant a half an episode.

:49 Blair: “It’s been nice not being friends with you.”
Dan: “Let’s not do it again sometime.”
I dunno. I think we need this kind of banter on this show!

:53 Shorter Lily: My daughter smiles at me, so it’s cool to go to jail.

:57 Ugh. This isn’t really gonna happen, is it?

:58 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . .

:59 Oh come on! No new GG until April 18? That’s nonsense!

Intro shmintro, I say. Let’s get right down to it!

:00 Oh, I get it. Dan sees Ben as like, the older, better educated, hardened-by-time-in-the-clink version of himself. He’s jealous!

:03 Blair is addicted to workahol.

:04 Sorry, dearest readers. I was eating soup for dinner. It’s not good for paying attention and typing!

:05 Chuck: “Your Archibald charm can get me the opening I need.” I wouldn’t trust Nate to do my dishes, let alone carry out a scheme.

Have fun getting on the board of an opera, Blair. I’m sure you’re among the most qualified candidates.

:09 I see what Chuck and Lily are doing. They’re gonna use, uh, Russell Thorpe’s hubris against him. Sure. That’s how they beat the mad Titan, Thanos.

:13 Serena to Ben, after she concocted a harebrained scheme to thwart Damien’s drug deal: “I can’t believe you’re not taking the side of the woman that ruined your life.” Ok, she didn’t say exactly that. But her look said it at all!

:17 Blair: “Who doesn’t love czars and Cossacks?” This is an excellent question.

Dan, after Serena and Eric proposition Blair to help with their scheme: “I’m leaving. This is going from Woman on the Verge to Saw 2. I don’t like gore porn.” Ha!

:18 Oh, I see what’s gonna happen here. Rena is going to fall in love with Nate. Because of his charms!

:20 Three years ago, if you had told me, “Timmy, in three years, you’re going to be DELIGHTED by Dan and Blair’s thinly veiled flirtation,” I would have said, “Wait, I’m going to be live-blogging GG eps? That seems like a tremendous waste of time.

:27 Remember Rufus? Me neither.

:28 Yeah, lily knows exactly what’s going on with the Dodgers and the McCourts.

:30 Oh, we’re calling Eric “E” now. I can dig that. Although I vaguely remember being against that sort of thing in the past? Can someone check up on that?

:33 S: “Blair, what were you thinking?”
B: “That I would arrive at this party, and be greeted appropriately . . .” Ha!

:35 Oh, I see. Chuck is going to try to get Thorpe’s backer to switch sides, and then Damien is going to tell everyone that Lily is a criminal. I know this is true, because it’s the second half of the episode and everyone is at the same party.

Lily to Eric as he’s searching for his trust fund checkbook. “Do you realize how gauche it is to open gifts at a party before dessert?” This elicited a legitimate LOL.

:47 Yes, Vanessa, you’re an outsider. Finally, someone realizes that their actions have consequences on this show.

:49 “Friends are the fashion fundamentals.” Oh, Dan. What a sweetheart!

:51 Oooh. I LIKE Dark Ben. I wonder what his prison nickname was. The Professor? Doctor Doom? The Bard Behind Bars? Also, what the hell could Vanessa possibly do in this situation?

:56 Are Dan and Blair gonna make out?

:59 Hmm. I guess not. Also, I should have known that a real criminal like Damien wouldn’t be spooked by a milquetoast weenie like Ben. Duh!