Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

See that hed up there? That’s right, precious readers (and by precious readers, I mean the three of you that ever actually leave comments), your favorite blog needs your help!

As you’re all probably aware, the new season of Jersey Shore starts on Thursday. You all know I loved the first season, and I actually put some critical thought into it! In the interest of becoming a ‘relevant’ pop culture ‘commentator’ who gets ‘mad hits’ on his blog, I’d like to do a regular feature coinciding with each episode, sort of reminiscent of my way-popular Gossip Girl diaries, but with a more original gimmick.

This is where you all come in. Do you all have any ideas for a fresh take on a show that everyone and their grandmother will be yapping about on the Internet? Put your thoughts down there in the comments. If I pick your idea, you’ll be rewarded with a mention in the tags of each week’s Yet-to-Be-Determined-Jersey-Shore-Running-Feature.

If there were a zombie apocalypse, what would you do? What if you just happened to be a huge zombie movie fan, itching for the opportunity to prove your mettle under the most zombierific circumstances? My old Bayonne High School buddy, Sam Platizky, is the writer, producer, and star of Blaming George Romero, a feature length horror dramedy that will attempt to answer these questions and many more. I interviewed Sam during the first week of shooting.

Timmy: So give me the Readers’ Digest version of what Blaming George Romero is.

The official movie poster!

Sam: Story-wise, Blaming George Romero is a movie about four pop culture junkie friends who would prefer a zombie apocalypse to their present lives. So when it looks like there’s been a “zombacalypse,” if you will, they jump at the chance to do what it takes to survive, and on the way they learn that there’s more to living than just surviving

Timmy: We can talk a little more about the content and the zombie genre later, but I’m actually really interested in the process of film making. How are you getting this done?

Sam: I am getting this done because I must be one of the luckiest people on the planet. The camera, I bought, but everything else is coming from some fantastic people. Doug Youmans is our lighting guy, and he has a wealth of his own equipment that he is willing to share with us along with his knowledge and experience. Joey Mosca is our sound guy who came to us with his equipment (boom mic, recorder/mixer, lav mics, etc.) Without them, I would be lost, and the best thing is we all get along really well and we all share a passion for the project.

Timmy: Where did this idea come from?

Sam: Without getting too deep into the twists and turns of the movie, the idea came to me in two parts.

Timmy: No spoilers, please.

Sam: First, I love the zombie genre, but I was getting tired of movies where it seemed like the protagonist had no idea what a zombie even was. They would go through the movie with people dying and becoming zombies and it wouldn’t be until the end that they figured out what the deal was. To me, it seemed crazy. I mean, they must have at least heard of zombie movies, but no, people get bit and are turning into zombies in front of them and nothing. No recognition, no survival instinct. So i wanted to create a zombie movie where the protagonists knew what they were doing. Enter the pop culture junkies

Timmy: That’s funny. As a viewer, you can suspend your disbelief to accept the walking dead, but some chump that doesn’t realize he’s in the middle of a zombie infestation? It takes you right out of the narrative!

Sam: Yeah. I guess, on some level, I have just taken the whole notion of zombies for granted. It’s like, “Oh, ok, zombies. Let’s go,” and my characters express that same sentiment, to extremes at times.

The second reason I wrote it was, I had just written a massive WWII horror screenplay that I would never have the budget to shoot, and I wanted to write something reasonable.

Timmy: Wolfenstein 3D: The Motion Picture?

Sam: Haha. Not quite. Its called Langsomer Tod. I’d love to get back to it some day, but right now, it isn’t feasible.

Also, i should mention that I’d just found this website, Indiegogo, for crowd funding, and figured i could potentially use it to help fund the project. Once that was in the equation, the project came much closer to reality.

Timmy: Yeah, I was going to ask about that. I’m on Facebook, and I can’t scroll two inches without seeing the Blaming George Romero logo. How successful have you been in leveraging social media to get this project going?

Sam: Well, “successful” can have a lot of meanings. We haven’t reached our funding goal yet, but I’d say we have been very successful. The word is out there, and we’ve raised one-third of our goal amount. People seem to be interested,

Timmy: This is a good time to mention that i’ll definitely be linking to the Facebook and Indiegogo pages.

Sam: And i thank you for that, sir. We also have our website www.BlameRomero.com, currently being worked on by Brad Resnick and a mutual friend of ours, Jason Goldstein.

Timmy: What do you want to be the end result for this film? Will you be entering into festivals?

Sam: Yessir, that is the goal. Once we are out of post production, we’ll be entering film festivals and trying our luck there. From there it’s a matter of seeing what happens, you know? Whether people take to it, if someone wants to distribute it, or even if it just gets our names out there. In a lot of ways just finishing this project will have been a huge undertaking.

It’s funny, going back to the idea of social networking. We had people interested while we were in pre-production, but I think there may have been the notion in the backs of some peoples’ minds that this wouldn’t get done, but once the first production stills were out after the first day of filming, it was like people realized that this was happening.

Timmy: Sometimes all it takes is a slick-looking headshot.

Sam: Yep.

Timmy: Why a zombie movie? You said you love the genre, but is there anything else to it, in terms of telling the type of story you wanted to tell?

Sam: That is an interesting question. I think its part of the zeitgeist right now. There’ve always been movies, but now there are books like Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, The Zombie Survival Guide, World War Z. I actually heard a high school had Pride & Prejudice & Zombies on their curriculum! I think it’s definitely something that’s very prevalent right now.

As for why, beyond the fact that its entertaining, I think there is an aspect of zombies that is terrifying, more so than most movie monsters.

Timmy: We could all be zombies, if it came down to it.

Sam: Yeah, and to an extent, we are. Not to get too philosophical, but beyond the basic zombies craving flesh, they’re like a dark mirror to us.

Timmy: Get as philosophical as you want, pal.

Sam: They wander aimlessly, all they do is consume, they aren’t really alive, and I think to some extent, there is a part of that in many people. We shamble through our day to day and never really live. I think that’s pretty scary.

Timmy: Movie zombies, especially in George Romero flicks, are notorious for representing some sort of dark aspect of our own nature.

Sam: Yeah, Romero was great with that. He wanted to tell a story about racism, or society, and he did it with zombies. So much subtext. It’s like a spoonful of sugar: you get the message, but here, have some zombies to go with it. Which is one of the reasons i loved P & P & Z. It’s a classic piece of literature, not changed at all, except there are zombies in it. What a way to get people interested in reading classics.

Timmy: I actually didn’t mind the regular Pride and Prejudice. But I’m an English major. It’s my job to not mind it.

Sam: Haha. I hear you, but for those people who mind it just because they’re intimidated by the year it was written, it’s ingenious.

Timmy: My understanding is that there aren’t any zombies in the movie at all?

Sam: I will say this, without spoiling too much, there are zombies in the movie in one form or the other. However, a good deal of the conflict is trying to figure out whether or not there is in fact a zombacalypse going on.

Timmy: And you’re calling it a dramedy? Or am i making that up?

Sam: Ha, no, you aren’t making it up. I hate labels, sometimes, especially for this movie, but there are aspects of drama and comedy in it. For that matter there are some horror aspects as well. But yeah, dramedy, because some parts I think are downright hilarious, while others are really deep, and (I hope) will make people think.

Timmy: A lot of zombie movies are like that.

Sam: Yeah, I think they are unique in that respect. It’s another reason to utilize the zombie.

Timmy: Tell me about the cast. I know these folks, but my readers don’t.

Sam: They are a great bunch of people. The four leads are myself, Robert Lise, Loarina Gonzalez, and Dan Gregory. I have worked with Bobby for about 11 years now. He’s one of my closest and most trusted acting friends. Within the last two years, he actually started gravitating towards directing, so while i wrote the part of “Bobby” for him, when it came time to find a director, Bobby became that as well.

Loarina is his girlfriend, who we both met acting in college. She is really terrific. Very subtle in her delivery, but very powerful too. And Dan only recently started acting, although I’ve known him since high school. After working with him on a film last year, I wanted to write him a role in this movie.

The rest of the cast is rounded out by my brother, Isaac, who is an amazing actor; some of my former teachers from college, Anderson Johnson and Adria Firestone; and some other wonderful actors I have had the pleasure of working with before: Chris Lucas, Christina Garced, Ramy Shedid, John Trigonis, Eva Visco, and a few more. I just filmed a scene with Christina yesterday, and watched it tonight. Every take was hilarious. I love working with these people, and I love watching the results.

Timmy: I’m a writer, and I’m constantly entrusting my stuff to editors who are responsible for the finished product. How much easier does it make your job when your director is a trusted friend

Sam: It’s very relaxing. I can take a step back and just trust him, you know? And at the same time, if we disagree, we can go from screaming at each other over the smallest thing to actually getting a better product because of the argument. And no hard feelings, because we’ve just been doing this for so long.

Timmy: It’s a beautiful thing.

Sam: It really is.

Timmy: Day of the Dead is my favorite of George Romero’s movies. Explain to me why I’m not crazy.

Sam: Haha. I cannot do that. Night of the Living Dead is my favorite. Followed closely by Dawn. Day is good, but it always struck me as the black sheep of the Dead family. I think the setting being so drastic is what does it for me. Why is it your favorite?

Timmy: That drastic-ness, I think, is the key. It explores a logical extreme of what would happen if the zombies inherited the earth. It’s more a big picture movie than Night or Dawn.

Sam: Hmmm. I see where you’re at with that. I just don’t agree. However, if you want logical extremes and big pictures, I can’t recommend Max Brooks’s World War Z enough.

Timmy: What’s that about?

Sam: It is about a guy interviewing survivors in the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse, and their stories from all over the world and all different people at various stages of the apocalypse. It’s so well thought out.

Timmy: I’m putting it on the list. You’re in the middle of filming. How is it going?

Sam: We are two days in. It’s going really well. We all work well together. The first two days were fairly simple shoots, though. We have some more difficult ones up ahead.

Timmy: Where are you shooting?

Sam: Bayonne, NJ mostly, but also Blairstown, Stewartsville, Weehawken, Jersey City. All in NJ.

On the set.

Timmy: Blairstown. Home of Camp Crystal Lake, no?

Sam: You are absolutely correct! I went there with some friends a year ago, and we found this great area. We’re going to use it next week.

Timmy: If I was going to film a horror movie, it’s one of the first places I’d think of.

It might be time to wrap up. I’m giving you free rein for plugs, promotions, boastful claims, acknowledgments, whatever you want.

Sam: I have to say I couldn’t do this without a terrific cast and crew, our amazing supporters who have donated to www.indiegogo.com/Blame_Romero, and even our fans on Facebook and Twitter who help spread the word. They are the best of the best. I hope people stay with us throughout the production because it’s going to be one hell of a ride. And I want to thank you, for the opportunity to spread the word to more people.

Timmy: We Bayonnaise have to stick together.

Sam: Hell yeah we do!

Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun knows which side its bread is buttered on. You’re not here for the trenchant political commentary. You’re not here for the feeble displays of passive aggression. You’re here for Gossip Girl.

Regular readers of DD&U know that Gossip Girl is my favorite show on TV right now. It’s not even a contest. It’s the reason I’m able to make it through my weeks in the fall and winter. And considering how fortuitous the circumstances that led to me watching the show were, I thank my lucky stars that I have Gossip Girl in my life in the first place.

See, I knew that Gossip Girl was coming. I knew that it was from the creator of the OC. I knew there was an OC-shaped hole in my heart, but I had no idea if Gossip Girl would be able to fill it. I didn’t really have feelings about the show one way or the other.

My friend Meg and I were already fans of America’s Next Top Model, which was on Wednesdays on the CW. Even though I was committed to the show, I was sort of put off by Cycle 8, which saw Jaslene, who I thought looked like a garment bag filled with bones, win the contest. But like I said, I was committed, and when I commit to a show, I commit. I watched Cavemen, people. Every episode.

Cycle 9 premiered on September 19, 2007. I should have known the night was going my way, because I was introduced to my precious love, Heather, the prettiest girl to ever appear on ANTM, whose eventual ouster from that show led me to initiate a lifelong boycott. Because it might be true that when I watch a show, I commit to that show. But don’t ever cross me, or else I’ll move on to a show that rewards my loyalty more.

So that season premiere of ANTM ends, and we start seeing promos for this new show, Gossip Girl. I was at Meg’s place, and we were both a half a bottle of Chuck deep at that point, as was our weekly tradition. We decided, what the hell, let’s check this out.

The rest is history.

I wasn’t the only one watching Gossip Girl. The show immediately captivated Jessica Pressler and Chris Rovzar, writers for New York magazine’s Daily Intelligencer blog. Pressler and Rovzar are famous for their weekly Gossip Girl reality index, but I’d like to direct your attention to a New York mag cover story they wrote called “The Genius of Gossip Girl.” Read it, and you’ll begin to understand why I love this show so damn much. (I also stole the “Greatest Show of Our Time” moniker from them. It’s an homage!)

I’m a regular reader of the Daily Intel GG reality indices, in which the authors go through every episode, adding and subtracting points from based on how authentically “New York” it is. A clever gimmick! I wish I had the cleverness or the capability to go through with something like that myself. But alas, I had to steal a bit from Bill Simmons (who stole it from, I dunno, Norm Chad?), and do the whole running diary thing. I think this is the first one, although I forget if I did one on the old .mac site. Irregardless, it’s become one of my favorite parts of DD&U. Forces me to watch the show more critically, come up with the wittiest (one-way) repartee I can. I’ll be honest with you, precious readers: the diaries aren’t a service to you. They’re a service to Gossip Girl watchers. If my dear readers and Gossip Girl watchers are one and the same, then great! If not, they should be! Just start watching, and you can stop skipping the weekly diaries.

For those of you interested in a little inside baseball w/r/t your favorite blog, Gossip Girl is responsible for the most random hits to Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun. Since July 15, 2009, when I started tracking statistics using Google Analytics, a search for “omgbse”, or some iteration thereof, has been responsible for at least 186 unique visits to dangerousdirtyunfun.com. (I’m not counting the sundry versions of a search for “dangerous dirty unfun,” because those are, obviously, obvious.) “Omgbse,” of course, is something one of Blair’s minions uttered in a Season 3 episode, which is translated “Oh my god, best sleepover ever.” (You’ll also recall the clarifying update post I wrote.) Thing is, it’s the middle of June, and the top search term sending people to Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun is STILL “omgbse.” So either there are a ton of people still watching old Gossip Girl eps and wondering what the hell is going on, or there are a ton of vegans who are just shocked at the idea of bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Either way, if you’re shopping for your favorite blogger, this wouldn’t be a bad choice.

Welp, treasured readers, this is it. The last Gossip Girl running diary of the season. All of our lives are about to lose just a little bit of substance. I hope all of you have planned ahead accordingly. Personally, I’m hoping a combination of beer, cornhole, and comic books holds me over until Providence hands down a fresh season of GG. As usual, disregard the timestamps.

10:10 Remember how all the action happened last week? What’s supposed to happen in this ep? Also, remember when Serena decided not to go to college? And had that affair with Trip? Also, what a badass Eric has turned into.

10:11 Thanks for “listening” to me last night, Jenny says. Is that what they call it these days?

10:13 Do maids actually wear maid outfits like Dorota does?

“I defriend Meester Chuck on facebook and in life.” What am I gonna do all summer without Dorota. She’s a shining beacon

10:15 Is it too much to ask for a Superman v. Doomsday–esque last stand between Jenny and Georgina? I know. It is too much to ask.

So what we’re witnessing here is Jenny screwing her brother’s relationship with her own friend strictly to get vengeance against her half-sister. Is she not history’s greatest monster? She makes the mad Titan Thanos look like Moon Boy. Miles, I hope you’re reading.

10:19 Is that my Lincoln Hawk t-shirt Serena was wearing, Rufus asks. Shouldn’t Rufus have like, a thousand such t-shirts? Like how Homer had all that Be-Sharps memorabilia.

10:21 This is so typical, Nate keeping a straight face and being pissed at Serena for falling asleep talking to an old flame. Guys do this, ladies!

10:25 Hey, remember Rufus’s ex wife? Also, I’m swearing to you right now, precious readers, that whatever reformation Jenny undergoes, when she comes back on the show, this blog will still shun her. Don’t ever cross DD&U. Let that be a lesson.

What the HELL is Serena wearing to Dorota’s baby’s birth?

10:27 Dan DOES know that Nate is right. He loves Serena! Theirs is a love that transcends reality.

10:30 Remember when Chuck tried to date rape Jenny in season 1? Let’s see how this plays out.

“I don’t play video games, so if you want to hang out with me, you do what I do,” Chuck says. My new number 2 ambition in life is to be able to credibly use a line like that. Not in like, a creepy Chuck Bass way. Just, you know, credibly.

“The hard way is the only way,” Chuck goes. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to Plato, guys.

The ORODD&U echoes my own thoughts w/r/t Blair: just take a picture with the peonies, send it to Chuck, and explain that you were sidetracked by effing Dorota giving birth. His little Empire State Building stunt is just that, a stunt. It’s not a contract signed in Christ’s own blood.

10:33 Dan, calling out Serena’s daddy issues. Very astute!

Seriously, I would like Serena’s outfit to be addressed by someone at some point.

Ignorance is bliss. “Is that why it was so easy with us,” Serena asks. No, S. it’s because you and Dan were made for each other. Someone listen to me!

10:39 Yes, J. Everyone hates you. Your tears are futile against me. And I’m not swayed by the fact that you probably put more makeup on only to cry it off.

“It’s not breaking up, it’s taking a break,” S goes. Girls say things like this! Don’t deny it!

10:42 So what did Jenny tell Dan to compel him to slug Chuck? Because can Dan really get THAT pissed if he found out that Chuck and his sister just had consensual sex? We all agree that there’s some sort of deception here, right? (Also, the ORODD&U and the GFOTORODD&U were both convinced that j had stolen the engagement ring. Great theory!) Also, one thing that prevents Dan from ascending into the Seth Cohen Echelon of beloved TV characters, is that he’s forced to do things like stick up for Jenny. It’s not his fault, but it is a tragic flaw.

10:44 “Hey, who’s hungry,” Rufus goes as he walks in on the climactic scene of the season. Remind me to tell you guys about the Christmas tree story.

10:46 “I really am going to change,” S goes. What an idiot.

10:49 I’m actually really pleased with the fact that Nate and Lonely Boy are pals. They have like, a real dudes’ relationship.

Dan! Booking the flight to Paris! What a baller move!

10:50 This is most definitely not Dan’s kid. Don’t get sucked in, people!

10:52 Umm . . . what?

Two more eps of Gossip Girl left. That’s not a lot of time for Jenny’s map to be eliminated for keeps, Dr. VDW to be taken away in cuffs, and Dan and Serena to get back together (which, as regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know, is my primary reason for watching the show.) As usual, I’m watching an hour late, the time stamps mean nothing, and c.

10:07 Blair: I didn’t know they had groupies that old. Way to make light of a potentially marriage-ending sitch, B. Bonus: “Dorota’s family has Polish mob connections.” What Polish mob? Can you identify them by their fox-skin hats?

10:09 I like how Chuck has a Jack Bauer–esque network of illicit contacts. He’s a legitimate business owner!

10:11 Apparently, pharmacists don’t make enough to turn down bribes. I learn something from Chuck Bass every week

10:13 Oh boy. Rufus actually brought Holland down to the apartment. Nothing makes him a badass quite like the truth. Too bad he’s surrounded himself with a nest of vipers.

10:14 Holland: Rufus, you can’t expect me to lie to their faces. Rufus: You just did! Ha!

Serena on good guys: They all are, until they aren’t anymore. Does that mean that S knows that her dad is a scumbag? Of course it doesn’t. She’s a blithering moron.

10:17 The biggest disappointment in this whole story arc is how Eric has been bamboozled. He was the only remotely innocent one left on this show.

In my entire life, I don’t think I’ve taken matters into my own hands as many times as Nate has in three seasons of Gossip Girl.

10:20 Wait, what? Holland is the psychiatrist? The hell is going on here?

10:21 Ah, a plot to instigate the public outing of a villain. That always works on this show.

My bloodlust for Jenny’s death is soon to be outstripped by my intense desire to see egg all up in Serena’s grill. She’s so effing stupid it actually hurts to contemplate.

10:25 Seriously. Only Serena could make me feel sympathy for Little J. Why do you always let me down so bad, Serena!

Blair: Are you ready to make the fat lady sing?
Dan: I’ll settle for making the lying doctor lady confess.
Thanks for contributing to the repartee, Lonely Boy. Ugh. This guy got published in the New Yorker, and I’m stuck with this sucky blog? Where’s the justice!

Um, Jenny? Now would have been a good time to reveal your damning evidence. What is she trying to pull here? I guess she’s aware that there’s still another episode left, and a good amount of plot to string along?

10:30 Lily to Dr. VDW: It’s nice to be here with someone who doesn’t hate these sort of things. Is there anyone on this show that isn’t a simpering fool?

10:34 That was some good improvisation with Dr. Holland, especially for this crew.

Aaaaaaaaand Jenny is conspiring with Dr. VDW. Your redemption was short-lived, Lil J. And now for being taken in, I feel as foolish as Serena is going to inevitably feel.

10:36 How did I let so much time elapse without noticing how whorey Serena’s dress is? Am I slipping in my old age? It’s like something an alien hooker in a Godzilla movie would wear

10:38 Rufus showing up at the van der Woodsen apartment is the 27th dramatic confrontation of this episode. It’s a new record!

This limo scene with Blair, Chuck, and the gang reminds me of the wrap-up of an Encyclopedia Brown story. Speaking of old age . . .

10:41 Nate is the exact kind of guy who would keep a random cop acquaintance in his phone book.

And me, because I’m a sap, when I see scenes where Dan walks in on an emotionally distraught Serena, I think “Maybe they’ll get back together? Please?”

10:43 I know Dr. VDW is a mirthless scoundrel, but how can he talk to Serena and not double over with laughter at that stupid hat?

I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Lily goes. Ha! Your entire life is predicated on not believing Rufus, Lily! Don’t you watch Gossip Girl?

Please, let Rufus pull out a gun and shoot his daughter right in the heart.

10:46 Eric! With the pwnage! Get Jenny the hell outta here. Consider yourself redeemed, young Van der Woodsen.

10:48 Do we want to talk about this rugby player’s sweater? No? Ok, good.

10:49 !

10:49.5 ! !

I was yelled at last week by a dear reader for not blogging about the best episode of the year. I’m here to rectify that! Starting a little late, which should hopefully allow me to blow through some commercials. It does, however, render the timestamps even more useless than usual. You’re not here for fidelity, though, right? You’re here for quick quips!

9:14 You know, the creators do all these like, mini webisodes and fashion tips and text messages and all sorts of other peripheral Gossip Girl content on the CW website. Would it kill them to put up some of Lonely Boy and V’s stories? I wanna know who really is the better writer. Or have they already done this and I just haven’t looked.

“I find the cause is the best cure,” Chuck goes. I heart him.

“We’re two artists in a relationship,” Dan goes. Hilarious! I’m an artist, too.

The topics that Dan and Vanessa can talk about are politics, Jersey Shore, and where they want to eat. Is it weird that I think I can scrounge a pretty meaningful relationship out of that?

9:17 Can we make sure that Rufus says “What is he doing here?” every time Dr. VDW enters the room? Thanks, GG writers. It makes my night.

9:19 It was pushing 80 today. This snow on the ground in B’s scene is taking me RIGHT out of the narrative.

9:20 Falafel: the kind of food paralegals eat. Take that, paralegals!

Ooh, ooh. The tension is still there between Serena and Lil J! I was so pissed when she didn’t get her comeuppance for trying to steal Nate. Hopefully there’s still time for her to get the eff pwned out of her before she leaves the show.

Fast forward!

9:23 Is that a wooden bowl of radishes in Rufus’s fridge? Huh?

Dan, please button your shirt.

Eric, once again proving that he’s the only one on this whole damn show that has his head screwed on straight. Dr. VDW is a fraud! Don’t let him in!

9:26 Arguing over clothes! Veiled accusations of whoredom! Serena versus Jenny! It’s true, Rufus. Jenny IS the problem!

9:27 Rufus is right. It IS awkward for a doctor to move into his patient’s building. Also, treasured readers who might also have a background in medicine: isn’t it wicked unethical for a guy to treat his ex-wife? That seems way beyond appropriate.

9:29 “I third person people, not you!” Good one, B. It’s true.

Fast forward!

9:31 Pablo Escobar to preppy pill-poppers! Serena, with the rare good line.

Dan, if Vanessa is giving up this internship for you, you need to be a better boyfriend…

Or, wait, why does it seem like this meeting with the woman from CNN is not going to work out for Dan? I’ve heard this song before. Stay tuned, readers.

9:35 Are we going to discover that this hairband girl has some sort of super hearing?

9:36 Yes. Super hearing. Is there any other explanation for how this girl was able to eavesdrop on a conversation, outdoors, fifty feet away in a crowded park? Matt Murdock would have trouble doing that!

9:38 Lily is right. Rufus is paranoid. But is he paranoid enough?

9:40 Chuck is secretly a good guy. I’ve always believed in him.

9:42 Wait, Dan didn’t know that his sister was dealing drugs? How far up his own ass does he have his own head?

9:43 Shorter Dr. VDW: “Serena, I don’t care about how much of a harlot you were. I just want to steal your mother from her husband.”

9:45 Hey, B randomly runs into an admission officer at this random gala. That little exchange is competing with the snow I referenced earlier.

9:47 Rufus, Eric is your only ally! Don’t make him think that Dr. VDW is a good guy!

9:48 Or maybe Chuck is an ally, too. I have to say, one and a half episodes is not long enough for a charade to unravel. The writers couldn’t drag this bad boy out a little more?

9:50 Looks like this doctor without borders could use some boundaries. Hehe. Being a connoisseur of wordplay, I’m always delighted when GG brings her A game.

9:53 Shorter Lily van der Woodsen: “My husband is trying to snake his way between us and just admitted it in front of a crowd of admirers. I think you need to sleep at the loft, Rufus.” Good job, Lily. I hope you have something special planned when Rufus is totally vindicated.

9:55 Uh oh. Jenny is doing research on cancer. I swear to God, if the writers find some way for her to be the one who brings Dr. VDW down, I am going to be SORELY disappointed. Don’t you people realize that we ALL lose if that happens? If Serena pulls the same credulous act she always does, Eric somehow gets taken in, Rufus gets dragged through the mud, and JENNY of all people is the one that saves the day? That would be horrible!

Do me a favor and re-read the title of this post one more time, and then think long and hard about whether you should continue. This is how strongly I feel about what an awful, hateful character Jenny Humphrey is. She’s always been annoying, with her power plays on the steps of the Met one minute, followed immediately by her falling into the clutches of Agnes and playing the damsel in distress. Her interminable rebellion/supplication cycle with her father. It always bordered on too much. But this most recent plot of hers to split up Nate and Serena is the last straw. My new favorite episode of Gossip Girl will be the one where Jenny’s map is eliminated for keeps.

As always, I watched this week’s ep on the ol’ DVR, so the timestamps are about as meaningless as a promise from Jenny Humphrey.

10:04 I’m still not sure I understood exactly what went down with Chuck and Blair. I feel like there was a Marathe-esque quadruple cross going on that I’m just not sharp enough to get.

“Good thing I own a bar downstairs.” Chuck may be loathsome, but he still gets the best lines.

10:10 Five minute break while I talked over the last two eps with my roommate. It makes a little more sense now!

10:12 Remember when Blair and Nate were together, and they were going to be together forever? That was back in the day when Serena and Dan were going to be together forever, and Chuck was trying to date-rape Jenny. Capricious youth!

10:16 This traditional wedding thing sounds like one of those gimmicks they make up for stories that need gimmicks. Like the charter review process in Old School, or something like that.

10:19 Wait, Serena said she was at breakfast with the Humphreys but she really wasn’t? Is she weaving a web of deception?

10:21 Oh man. It’s one thing for us to make fun of how vapid Nate is, but to see Chuck do it, hoo boy. Straight up pwnage.

Ugh, Jenny. What a goddamn snake. Eric knows it, too.

10:26 This game night thing is lame, but the eastern Europeans LOVE their balloons. Let me tell you a story. In grammar school, I was pals with this kid Igor who lived a few doors down. I’m pretty sure him and his folks were recent immigrants from Russia. So Igor invites me to his birthday party. Snacks, cake, soda, the whole nine. Then we start playing party games, one of which entails two combatants squaring off, each with a balloon tied to his ankle. The object of the game is to stomp the other guy’s balloon, while trying to guard your balloon from being stomped by him. My turn comes up, and I got squared off against the biggest bruiser in the whole damn house. We were like, nine years old, but I swear this kid was as big as Zangief. Not only that, but he was wearing big snow boots. It was spring! There hadn’t been snow on the ground for weeks! Suffice it to say, my balloon didn’t stand a chance. I was fearful for my toes the whole time.

Ha. They’re playing “I Got a Feeling” on the accordion. Nice touch.

10:29 Cyrus, with the great wedding gift! Such a big heart, so out of place on the Upper East Side.

Jenny: “I love Serena, but I know how she is.” No you don’t, and no you don’t!

10:30 Dear Nate,
As you know, everything is always exactly as it first appears. Confront Serena about the St. Regis post haste! You’ll find all your worst fears validated.
Xoxo,
All Gossip Girl viewers.

10:32 Some people get depressed and eat ice cream. Blair has the old “conversation with Dan Humphrey where she admits that she’s a rotten person and Dan reassures her that she’s actually pretty alright.” A Blair Waldorf classic!

10:36 Dear Rufus,
As you know, everything is always exactly as it first appears. Go ahead and leave an indignant message on Cece’s voicemail and confront her and Lily.
Xoxo,
All Gossip Girl viewers

Also, have we addressed on this page how dumb it is that Serena is embarrassed by her search for her dad? It’s way, way, way beyond a reasonable suspension of disbelief that this continues to be a plot point.

10:42 Dear Jenny,
We don’t need to write you a letter, because it doesn’t matter what you saw between Serena and Carter, you’ll twist it to your own devious ends. And also, you’re not fooling us with being so kind and friendly to Eric. You’re the worst character on tv.
Xoxo,
All Gossip Girl viewers

10:50 Serena! Jenny is a snake! Don’t trust her!

10:51 Noooooooooooo!

10:52 Ummm, wow? What the *#$&% is Lily up to here?!?!

Dangerous, Dirty, and Updated: Sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found thee! So I don’t think they’ll actually be killing off Jenny’s character, but at least she won’t be bugging us as much next season. Sometimes, in this cruel and unforgiving world, providence shines on us. We’re lucky!

I can’t lie, precious reader. I was sort of disappointed in last week’s episode of Gossip Girl. But I feel it’s just a matter of getting momentum back, you know? This week contained its fair share of deception, meddling, and reversals of fortune. I think GG might be re-finding its stride! Let’s do this thing.

9:01 The DVD case is filled with drugs!

9:01.25 Ding ding ding!

9:02 “Since when do you cook,” Serena asks Nate. It’s effing waffles! And how convenient, there’s a bowl of homemade whipped cream in the fridge. Right next to the chocolate syrup and the honey.

9:07 Dan only admitted he loved Vanessa “as a friend.” I can’t remember the last time I said anything “as a friend.” I don’t even say things as a friend to my friends!

“Do you know a girl named Melissa,” Dan asks a rando in the hallway. I don’t go to NYU, but I can pretty much guarantee that not only was the girl Dan asked named Melissa, but her roommate was named Melissa too!

“I wanted to check a tweet,” Nate goes. What a simpleton. He lies like this guy.

9:10 The ambassador’s son is gonna sit here and suffer through a lecture from Lily? Why would he ever do that in a million years.

9:15 B should know Serena and Nate won’t respect Chuck’s intent not to hear his mother’s story.

9:16 Ah, a web of deception woven by Dan and Vanessa. Haven’t seen one of these in a while. I also love all the wacky ways this show tries to convey “college!” I don’t know if I have any NYU readers, and I’m not going to be so naïve as to ask “is it really like this?” But is it really like this?

9:18 “Jenny is not Serena.” Good line, Rufus!

9:25 Shen Serena said the Greeks know how to do comfort food, is it bad that I was thinking like, the 8th Street Diner?

Also, if I had a friend that meddled as much as Serena meddles, I think I would tell her to eff off.

9:27 “Friend is a pretty loose term right now.” Eh? Eh? Do I know Chuck, or do I know Chuck?

9:31 The Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, Unfun on Little J’s drug stunt: “What could possibly be the perceived upside of that?” The mind reels.

9:33 Oh, so Jenny’s not afraid? And she’s trying to prove that she can stand up to her dad? Which is why she dropped all the drugs. Maybe Jenny IS Serena.

9:35 V: “Don’t get all Dan Humphrey on me.” I wish he wouldn’t get all Dan Humprhey on all of us.

9:36 So Damian would slander his father, the ambassador, for Jenny? Is that what we’re watching here?

Or maybe the intervention stuff was all true. Whatever. Is this Damian really reliable?

I also paused it for a bit here. So the times might be off. Because I know you’re keeping track.

9:40ish “Chuck’s mom, do you know my Dad?” Good plan, Serena.

9:44 Yes! Secrets revealed!

9:45 Those secrets kind of sucked. I guess we should have known that if Chuck’s mom was actually going to be a dramatic part of this show, they would have hired a better actress.

9:49 Jenny is like the Lisa Simpson of Gossip Girl. A nice character, but the episodes that are about her are obnoxious. Hopefully she runs away and goes wherever Poppy Lifton is. And the cameras stop following her.

9:53 Speaking of Serena’s dad’s letter, when is it gonna rear its ugly head again?

“I want to be that person you can bring anything to, the good or the bad,” Nate goes. What a typical guy line. Except when I say it. I always mean it.

9:55 What a dramatic turn of events for Elizabeth Fisher. Who’d have thunk that paling around with a bunch of crazy kids would change her mind!

Of course Dan and Vanessa can still be friends and hook up at the same time. Sex never alters friendships.

9:58 Serena, with a little reverse psychology on her dad. Clever! What happens when she finds out that things are working out with chuck and his mom! She’ll really regret that phone call!

You may not have noticed, but the sun was shining this morning. It was warm. A sweet breeze was blowing. It was as if the spirit of life were refilling the empty, fragile vessels of our souls. That’s right. After a long hiatus, Gossip Girl is back. I’m just praying that my tears of joy don’t fall on my keyboard and cause computer problems.

Also, I watched this off the DVR, so the time stamps are pretty useless. The whole blog is pretty useless, actually.

10:25 Zomg! GG is back!

Isn’t B obligated to inform her best friend that Nate is, in fact, a lamewad?

So Damien is from the same boarding school that S went to because she was a giant whore. Is this the uh, School for Scoundrels or something?

10:29 Hi Damien. Got any drugs you need to be delivered?

10:30 I probably should have looked over my last recap so I can remember why Rufus is pissed at Lily. This has been a long hiatus!

Since when are jewelers like lawyers and priests? Client confidentiality? What the hell is that?

10:31 “My grandfather got sick of watching me text you” = “My grandfather got sick of me.” Also, Serena wants to take things slow with Nate. I feel like anything would be slower than like, doing it on the bar. So carry on.

10:33 Remember when Dan was desperately in love with Serena? And now he’s casually giving Nate advice about her. Good turnaround, Dan. What a disappointment you are.

10:35 This is absurd! Jenny is making drug jackets! What a rotten human!

Anna Karenina roleplaying. Even as an English major, I don’t really appreciate that one.

10:38 Oh, that’s right. Rufus is going to shack up with the woman from the co-op. There’s that little subplot. How could I have forgotten!

10:40 But Serena, you’re right. The last thing you want to do IS rush into something! Why do I know your life better than you?

10:41 “I thought you lived on the Upper East side with your wife.” Just when I think Dan is a useless drip, he goes and redeems himself with a killer line.

“This wasn’t a Parent Trap situation that you and jenny could swoop in on.” Rufus with the burn! Did they get like, the good writers to take on this scene?

10:44 I’d like to see Jenny try to outsmart the international drug dealer.

10:45 Is that the first time someone has mentioned that Blair’s social-climbing agenda isn’t the most important thing in the world? Seems like it.

1047 Do you think the outfit that jenny would have worn with the sweet tart jacket would have displayed her cleavage as amply as serena’s? probably not, right?

10:51 You’ve changed, Serena? So why are you wearing a jacket made of drugs? Eh?

10:52 “That whore may be my mother.” I keep forgetting that it was painfully apparent to all of us that Chuck’s mom was at Bart’s grave, but that the folks in the show would never assume that in a million years. Woops.

Whoa, the masquerade ball was two years ago? The sands of time are slipping through my fingers like so many . . . grains of sand.

10:55 I really liked Serena’s shoes.

Hey, good idea Rufus, talking to your wife about your problems.

10:59 So . . . is this woman lying? Is it bad that I can’t tell? She’s got to be lying, right?

Also, is there any reason why we should believe that Blair’s super powers of persuasion work on grownups?

11:03 Come ON, rufus. You’re acting like your kid!

11:06 that newborn in the locket looked JUST LIKE CHUCK!

As always, I’m writing about the Oscars because I like movies and I watch them from time to time, and I’m always trying to position Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun within the zeitgeist. I only saw a few of the nominated films, namely Inglorious Basterds and a bootleg copy of Avatar, so as usual, all opinions should be taken with the requisite grains of sodium chloride. And for previous Oscar commentary, go here!

8:32 How about a Harold and Kumar reference in the opening musical number? Fun!

8:33 Also, remember like, ten years ago when Neil Patrick Harris was nobody? Does anyone even refer to him just “the guy that was Doogie Howser” anymore?

8:37 I usually don’t like saying these things, at the risk of sounding like I’m the kind of guy that thinks women are objects, but Helen Mirren = hot. Yeah, I said it.

8:39 In our first movie, we were both born a poor black child. That was kinda funny.

8:43 This George Clooney scowling thing in the opening monologue is supposed to be a gag, right? Am I just not in touch enough to get it? Because I’m pulling my collar like crazy over here! Also, I didn’t see his movie, but I think Jeff Bridges is owed an Oscar after being snubbed for his betrayal as Dude Lebowski.

8:47 Ah ha! An actor nominated from a movie I actually saw! Christoph Waltz for best supporting actor!

8:48 Ding ding ding.

8:50 I don’t like Ryan Reynolds being all solemn and serious, introducing The Blind Side. This is Van Wilder, dammit! Chris Brander! Is this some sort of preparation for us to take him seriously as Hal Jordan?

8:52 Does everyone else have a The Bounty Hunter commercial on right now? And are you all weirded out that King Leonidas is now the go-to guy for soulless, forgettable action flicks and cookie cutter romantic comedies?

8:56 Does this Steve Carrel thing mean that Jude Law won’t be appearing on this broadcast? I’m a huge Jude Law guy : (

8:57 I like what they do with the cartoons. That is all. I gotta go for Coraline here, because it was written by a guy that writes comic books. Like, really writes comic books.

8:58 College Humor says what needs to be said about Pixar.

9:00 Is Miley Cyrus on stilts? Look at how tall she is!

9:02 Reinhart Wagner, nominated for best original song. Is he German?

9:04 Neither of these guys who won look like a “T-Bone Burnett.” I think the guy that said “I love you more than rainbows, baby” should be named T-Bone.

9:06 Why didn’t they make the previews for District 9 as good as that little montage? I probably would have seen it!

9:10 David Carr signed with the 49ers? Who’s our backup now? Sorry, this has nothing to do with the Oscar broadcast. It’s just a reason for concern.

9:13 I, for one, am thrilled with how Robert Downey’s career has panned out.

9:17 Molly Ringwold? Where’d she come from? I haven’t seen her since that episode of Family Guy.

9:17.5 Of course it’s a John Hughes memorial, so now I feel like a big jerk.

9:19 Breakfast Club, Shmreakfast Club, when was anyone gonna tell me that John Hughes wrote Home effing Alone? And Christmas Vacation!

9:25 Margaret Monroe of Washington, DC, has never seen Christmas Vacation. I thought the world should know.

9:34 Yup. Short films.

9:45 Wait a sec, 72 percent of America preferred their toilet paper over the roll? How is that even possible!

9:48 Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire was based on a book? How about that.

9:53 They honored Roger Corman? That’s actually kinda awesome. I know a guy that works for him nowadays.

10:00 This is a make-up Oscar for Mo’nique, after she was snubbed for her portrayal of Cherry in Beerfest.

10:20 Bride of Frankenstein was a pretty good flick. Thoughts?

10:24 I feel like it would be much cooler if they actually like, recorded an actual RPG blowing up an actual cop car in that scene from The Dark Knight.

10:26 Now, does every member of the Academy get an equal vote for every category? What the hell does some writer know about sound mixing?

10:32 I’m glad we don’t have to see those Yaz commercials that are solely about how Yaz is actually deadly poison. Girls falling into bathtubs with their clothes on is much more whimsical than “Our last ad lied to you about how harmful our product is.”

10:35 Is this a glitch? I feel like the cinematography category should have some like, examples of good cinematography. Right?

10:39 I like James Taylor, but they couldn’t get Sir Paul to sing the song he co-wrote?

10:45 Remember when J-Lo used to put out records? “I’m Real” with Ja-Rule is still an awesome song!

10:51 Those guys were spinning on their heads for like, 30 seconds! That was a crazy. Maybe this is a legion of extraordinary dangers. Also, thank you, Alan Moore, for giving us the “Group Noun of Extraordinary Plural Nouns” construction.

11:01 I’m a huge Matt Damon guy. I don’t care who knows it, either. Also, this Burma movie looks wicked heavy. Yikes!

11:02 And then a movie about slaughtering dolphins? WTF?

1103 Seriously, Hollywood. Can we get a documentary with some whimsy? I’m about to cry.

11:05 Awesome awesome awesome. The producer of the winning documentary, The Cove, is the same guy that played Lyle Corman, the critic from the Philadelphia Inquirer who gave Paddy’s Pub a scathing review on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. H/t to my roommate for figuring that one out.

11:10 I’m kinda rooting for Jeremy Renner. Not because I saw The Hurt Locker. But because I saw 28 Weeks Later, and I kinda liked it!

11:12 People might treat this like a joke, but good for the pride of New Jersey, Buzz Aldrin, for appearing on Dancing with the Stars. I’m rooting for him full-throatedly.

11:19 Here’s the thing about Avatar. You’re a human, so when you’re not in your avatar, it’s sleeping. Presumably because you’re awake and doing human things. Don’t you also have to be awake while you’re in the pod and you’re controlling the avatar? Because if you’re actually the mind giving agency to this puppet, don’t you yourself have to be conscious? So when does the human sleep? Did this get established in the movie? And I’m not talking about established in a “we have one scene where Jake is tired in his video diary” way. I mean was this problem actually addressed and resolved in a grown-up way.

11:25 What happened to Michelle Pfeiffer? Is she not a big star any more?

11:26 I don’t know if I’m digging this “co-star yap yap yapping about the nominee” thing. These are Hollywood actors here. They don’t need to be praised any more than they’ve already been praised!

11:32 We all saw this Jeff Bridges win coming, right? The Dude abides, right?

11:34 Oh hey, Julianne Moore was just on stage. She played Maude Lebowski!

11:48 Did the Academy just not want to have to decide between Meryl Streep and the girl from Precious?

11:55 Is it cool or funny or something that the woman that directed Point Break just won best director?

11:58 I guess James Cameron will have to console himself with his millions and millions of dollars. I should probably also get The Hurt Locker on-demand? People seem to think it’s a good movie.