Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

Well, shameless self-promotion is probably the wrong term, considering that 1) I didn’t really have much to do with this thing, except maybe chiming in with my two cents once while everyone else in my office did all the work, and B) if I did actually have anything to do with it, I’d actually be kinda proud. No shame involved!

Anyway, this is Zingers, a Boston College Video Minute produced by the folks in my office. It features punchlines from Rooftop Comedy’s National College Stand-up Competition at BC. It’s pretty funny!

You ever have one of those stretches when everything that everyone says, does, and thinks just irrationally irritates you? I’m in a funk, dearest readers! What’s a young, handsome, witty, talented writer to do? I don’t know. Maybe Gossip Girl can provide some answers!

:01 I like this sweater dress thing that Serena is wearing.

:02 Dan wants to be around writing, at a fashion magazine! Everyone knows people read those things for the ads. And the smelly perfume inserts.

It’s totally befitting a weenie like Ben to work at an organic farm in upstate New York. Good riddance. Remember, precious readers, he’s the one that let Juliet off the leash. He’s the Sal Maroni to Juliet’s Joker, and we all know what happened to “The Boss.”

S: “Ithaca is supposed to be . . . beautiful.” So was that the GG writers not going after the low hanging fruit, or them acknowledging that S is too dumb to say “gorgeous.”

:06 So wait, Serena is pissed off at Damien, but she let Juliet completely off the hook? This is nonsense!

:08 Blair Waldorf and Lyla Garrity in a movie. Hellooooooo, nurse.

:12 Eric and Damien. Hmmm. . .

:13 Dan, doing something special for the W blog. Finally, some perks for a writer!

Dan to Blair: “I didn’t date Serena van der Woodsen for two years and not come away knowing that those are Mark Jacobs, and they’re mustard.”

Hey, remember Rufus’s gallery/coffee bar? Those were the days.

:17 The Captain: “Hey Chuck!” This line made me laugh out loud!

Blair to Dan: “And you do realize that I know everyone personally, right?” These two! Get these two a spinoff!

:19 Ben’s note: “I don’t need your blood money to stay away. I’ll stay away for free.” Wasn’t he a literature professor? That’s the best he can do for a righteously indignant missive? No bon mots? No cutting rejoinders? Cmon!

:24 Eric: “Mom paid someone off again. We should make this a drinking game.” That’s what I’m talking about when I’m talking about bon mots! I wish Ben were around to see this!

:26 So Chuck wants Thorpe’s daughter to fire the captain? Way to ruin your best friend’s life!

Blair, on the W interns: “All the other girls are variations on a theme, and the theme is lesser versions of me.”

S to Blair: “You have scheming in your voice. You can’t sabotage him!”

:31 Ah, so Dan and Blair are sabotaging each other. Good to see Dan hasn’t learned that mixing it up with Blair always ends in despair.

Also, they’re calling Dan “D” now? That’s stupid. He’ll always be Lonely Boy to me.

:34 I love the way Lily’s son talks to lily’s husband about lily. What’s up with these people?

:36 Poor Jonathan. He deserves better!

:38 The things I always wonder about this show is, is Stuart Fuji actually a guy in the film business that got a quick grip and grin on GG, or is he just a made-up flunkie? I suppose I could use teh Google, but whatevs.

:45 Nate, the Captain has a point here. “I think I’d rather live in a halfway house than with someone who halfway trusts me.” What he lacks in wit he makes up for in earnestness!

:48 So when Eric says Damien is a good distraction, is he talking about his fake relationship with Damien, or his real drug use?

Don’t you think it’s funny that Serena’s brother accuses her of caring more about Ben than her family, and then when her stepdad comes over to try to talk about her family, she runs away to go find Ben. Serena is truly the worst.

:53 So is Serena gonna take Blair’s advice and chase after Ben? This is preposterous. She’s awful.

:55 The Captain to Thorpe: “Whatever you need, I’m your guy.” We all know what that means!

Chuck isn’t thinking with his wang here. He’s got a plan. Right?

:58 Ooooh, dark Ben. I kinda like this.

I’m gonna have a hard time accepting Damien as a villain, especially since there was absolutely no resolution with Juliet. Do you hear me, writers?!

A few days ago, I posted a video of Taking Back Sunday performing a delightful song on the children’s show Yo Gabba Gabba. In it, I may have unfairly maligned one of my personal heroes and a poet who speaks for our generation, Jesse Lacey. While it’s still true that I can’t envision him dropping the brooding, self-serious routine long enough to do something as great as “We All Love Our Pets,” he’s still capable of breaking out of his shell just a skosh, in his own gruff sort of way. In that spirit, here’s Jesse Lacey talking to Marvel.com about the mad titan Thanos and his favorite Daredevil comics.

Ah, our long exile in the wilderness is finally over! Gossip Girl is finally back! A lot of things have changed since last we spake, dearest readers. We got a new country! And a new Speaker of the House! And a new, friendlier discourse! However, comma, we’re stuck with the same old Jets. Anyway, on with this week’s diary!

:00 Haha. I forgot about Serena’s silly little plan to find the judge. You shouldn’t have to take a road trip to do that, but the Gossip Girl universe pretends that you do.

:01 Blair, on Serena’s ironic predicament: “Court records are public so you wore a pushup bra for no reason?” Blair Waldorf doesn’t need warm up shots. She’s ready to play right now.

:03 How come the Captain has continued to shave his head even though he’s out of prison?

:05 This tall blonde minion, didn’t she betray Blair to Juliet one time? Or am I thinking of a totally different flunky?

:08 Chuck, you are a boor, but I can’t resist your charms.

Dan, on brunch with the family: “This talking thing is going great.”

Ugh. Lily, what the hell are you doing here, conspiring with the judge? How badly do you want to drive your family away from you? This is infuriating!

:16 Really, Dan is the only appropriate verbal sparring partner for Blair. Well, besides Chuck, but that relationship is too fraught!

:17 LOL @ this. Serena is dressing up like Lily? Oh, Gossip Girl, maybe you need to introduce some new characters. These schemes are getting cheap!

:18 Serena, on the material she’s sifting through out of Lily’s safe deposit box: “All I have are divorce papers, jewelry, and artful nudes of my mother from her groupie days.”
Chuck: “Swap piles?”

:24 Oh wait, Chuck disappearing to Europe and trying to lead a secret life might have had negative consequences for his father’s company? Nobody could have predicted.

:27 The successful sale of Bass Industries depends on Eric’s presence at some party. Watch out!

This is something that I always find funny. Eleanor is paying Dorota as a housekeeper, but Dorota is constantly conspiring with Blair in schemes that aren’t always in Eleanor’s best interests. This happens every other episode.

:29 Hey Dan, S is putting everything else ahead of you. That’s the mark of a bad girlfriend. But I understand, I would act the same way in your shoes.

:30 The Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun wonders if there’s one writer that’s paid to come up with dramatic puns for Gossip Girl to say going into commercials. It sounds like it would be a sweet gig!

:34 Lest we forget that all of these kids are sophomores in college. But hey, they can go get drinks at whatever bar they want.

:36 You know, Lily, it would be much better for your family if you stopped hiding things from everyone! You could very well be right about everything, but everyone, including your children, thinks you’re a duplicitous scoundrel!

:37 Eleanor to Blair on her future: “Now that I know that your childish games are who you are and not a phase, I wouldn’t want someone like you wanting to be like me.” Oh boy. It’s getting hot in here. Should’ve worn a V-neck.

So was Dan’s gypsy switch with the envelopes on purpose? Does this lead to him getting a job at the Post?

:42 Eeeeeeeew. Are you watching this French’s mustard commercial? Mustard in chili? Mustard in mac and cheese? Oh sweet holy Lord in heaven . . .

:43 Rufus, on Dan switching the envelopes: “That’s my boy.” Imagine, people saving their family members from their own self-destructive tendencies.

:47 Of course Russell Thorpe is gonna buy the company.

:52 Editrix. We can bring this term back, can’t we?

:54 Ugh. Dan and Serena. You’re killing me! You two are literally killing me!

:55 Is Russell Thorpe putting together a Legion of Doom? Is he going to hire Georgina Sparks to answer phones?

:58 Hmm . . . a lady Chuck Bass. I like the looks of this!

S is going to ditch Dan for Juliet’s brother? Cmon! Doesn’t anyone remember what Juliet did, at Ben’s behest?

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know that their favorite blogger is prone to hyperbole from time to time. But you’re going to have to believe me when I say that like the roses need the rain, like the seasons need to change, like the poet needs the pain, I need this.

So, like, people actually buy this? That Julie Andrews is a man? That seems to be beyond a reasonable suspension of disbelief, no?

It’s the last episode before the holiday break, so you know things are going to come to at least a little bit of a head. What sort of vicious reprisal awaits Juliet Sharpe? Will Nate’s family actually be reunited? Will Eric tearfully enter the room and report that Jenny Humphrey’s helicopter was shot down over Long Island Sound and there were no survivors found among the wreckage? On with the diary!

:00 I think Ben looks kinda like Julian Assange. Maybe a little?

:02 I know I speak for all of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun’s readers when I say that I can go for some more of Dan and Blair be-bopping.

Eau de damage control: Lily’s classic scent. Good one, S. And yes, I want to see Serena in a Marlins jersey.

:04 When did Eric become such a wank?

:05 Nate’s mom trusts her screw-up kid to settle things with the Captain? Does she even know her own family?

:07 Ooooooooh. If there’s anything I ever wanted from this show, it’s to get Gossip Girl more involved. Asking her for Juliet’s address is an EXCELLENT plan, Dan.

:08 And GG comes through. Now we’re cooking with gas.

:11 Therapist: “I don’t know what to think. I would never do that.” That seems like a productive thing to say.

:14 Ah. Foreshadowing the inevitable Bass Industries power play between Chuck and Lily.

:15 Blair, on “I <3 Balls” shamed dude: “At least he’s owning it.” Hardy har har!

:16 Nate never jumps to conclusions. That’s so out of character. (Sarcasm, obviously, but then again, getting duped by people smarter than him is also a very Nate thing to do. What IS going on between his folks?)

:18 Drug dealers sell ether? I thought you had to go to the local apothecary for that kind of stuff.

:21 I feel like I ask this every week, but what the hell is One Tree Hill about?

:24 Of course Serena’s boarding school outfit involves a unbuttoned shirt, loose tie, and patterned tights.

:27 I see what they’re doing here. Ponytail = young for Serena, and Jared Leto bangs = young for Damian. Also, sepia tones for all!

:28 It wouldn’t be Gossip Girl without someone seeing a brief interaction from afar and drawing wild, damning, and ultimately wrong conclusions.

Ben the teacher: “The ability to have thoughts and not act on them is what separates man from beasts.” Ugh. Maybe this guy should be in prison . . .

:30 So these prison guards just sit there and do nothing while one of the convicts is having a clearly ominous conversation? Meanwhile, guys like me, on the outside, are probably being wiretapped. What gives!

:37 Why was young Juliet at the meeting with her brother and his lawyer to discuss his statutory rape charges?

:39 Lily to Eric on being such a little tool: “Somewhere between a Marlins jersey and the absolute truth lies the better part of decorum.” Good one, Mrs. VDW!

:41 We couldn’t have just one monocle popping into a glass of champagne during Serena’s sick burn of Lily?

:48 Oh Lily . . . this show sacrificed Dan and Serena’s love so you and Rufus could get together! And now you’re hiding things from him!

:50 I heard gossip on campus about my daughter, so I orchestrated a false statutory rape charge? This is certainly a flimsy story, Lily.

:51 Oh boy. That was brutal.

:54 Dan is going to skip a road trip with his hot, statuesque blonde ex girlfriend because Blair put a bug in his ear that he’s dumping everything in his life for S. Idiot. Do you think Hemingway would have picked writing over Serena? Fitzgerald? Kerouac? Bukowski? ANY of the greats?

:57 Hey, the adventures of Dan and Blair! Didn’t I say this is what I wanted?

Post script: C’mon, Gossip Girl! This is bullshit! You can’t build up Juliet Sharpe as this ur-villain, letting her slip out of the grasps of justice time after time for an entire half a season, building up our bloodlust for sweet, precious revenge, only to pull the rug out from under us and reveal Lily as the real villain! You had a good thing going with Juliet, and for what? So Serena can forgive her for drugging her and making her life miserable for months, and everyone can just be pissed at Lily again? I think we deserve better than this. Maybe I’d feel better about this if we actually had the Lily spinoff. Don’t think I forgot about that!

How was everyone’s Thanksgiving? Pleasant, I hope! Did you miss me? Probably not, but I missed you all desperately. I hope after all the turkey and pie and beer, you left room for some Gossip Girl. On with the diary!

:01 GG’s Thanksgiving Day monologue: “I’ll be back for just desserts.” Dinner puns!

Hey, did Blair just say she celebrates the Beaujolais nouveau? My folks throw a Beaujolais party every year!

:02 Dorota is teaching her baby Polish! I love it!

:04 I wouldn’t feed tofu sage stuffing to the dog. And I don’t even like the dog.

Walk right in, it’s around the back. Just a half a mile from the L train track. Via the OWCODDU: “Vanessa is wearing the same Native American–patterned fleece that Arlo Guthrie wore at the Thanksgiving Day Parade.” It’s more or less true!

:07 So is Juliet Sharpe kidnapping and drugging Serena to develop a feeling of dependence so that Serena will put Juliet on her health insurance? Because I feel like we might have seen this plot on Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

:14 Oh, this is great. They’re playing this soft acoustic music while Serena is in the hospital so that all of the people involved in Serena’s kidnapping feel especially like assholes. Can you hear that, Vanessa and Jenny?

:16 Nate’s mom is the Little J of this show’s adults.

:17 Then again, Nate is a bit of a naïf. I don’t really know what to believe about the Captain, honestly.

:19 Involuntary admission to a psychiatric hospital? This show is getting pretty heavy.

:23 Which insufferably twee indie duo does this “Up on the Housetop” Hyundai commercial? I need to know so I never purchase any of their songs, and shun any of my friends who like them.

:26 Dan thinks something else is up here. He was always the clever one in this crowd.

:27 Being a slimy villain herself, don’t you think Little J would recognize another slimy villain in Juliet. But I guess not!

:30 I mean, look at Jenny! She walks like a fucking mantis.

And now Vanessa is ratting out Jenny? Because Juliet convinced her that Dan was being drawn to Serena? Hey V, maybe Dan likes Serena because she’s not a callow weenie.

:34 I love how Serena and Dan are treating breaking out of a mental hospital like some sort of jaunty escapade. “Running away is what guilty people do,” he goes. Haha! Hoho!

:37 Dan to Lily: “At least I’m looking at her and not myself.” Sick burn, Lonely Boy. You made her cry!

:38 Dangerous, Dirty, Unfun is a big fan of the strung-out-looking, immersed-in-shadow Serena. That’s for the record.

So, what? Juliet sends a picture of a blonde in a mask doing some blow, and people automatically assume it’s Serena? And Serena believes this? Way to make Dan look like a jerk, S.

Also, is the entire conceit of Gossip Girl some sort of commentary on the leaking of sensitive state secrets? Is Gossip Girl actually the New York Times? Is Juliet Sharpe actually Julian Assange? Is Serena Van Der Woodsen the State Department? Think about it!

:44 Dan to Serena: “I wasn’t wrong to believe in you.” Come on, Eric! Dan earned that smooch!

:46 Ooooh . . . Juliet is turning into an uncontrollable monster. I can get behind that. Especially if there;s more black eyeliner involved.

:51 One prison visit and Nate’s mom isn’t divorcing the Captain? She seems like a pretty impulsive decision-maker.

:54 The best thing is for you to go and stay gone, Jenny. It’s a true fact.

:56 Ha! Good job, chatty prison guard. You just ruined Nate’s holiday.

“Just because we can’t be friends doesn’t mean we aren’t.” Did anyone else’s living room get really dusty when Chuck opened Blair’s note?

Tonight’s high society event that gives the gang a pretense to all get together and look fabulous at the same time was a New York Ballet benefit. On with the diary!

:00 So apparently, Colin, who I’ll be referring to by his full academic title from now on, is “the dude from Mad Men,” as the Other Official Roommate of DD&U informs me.

:01 Serena, lamenting her plight with Professor Forester: “All I can think about is how much I want to be on his arm at the ballet.” Is that all you can think about, S? I find that incredibly difficult to believe.

:03 Hey, Vanessa is telling everyone how crazy Juliet is. You guys should believe her. Oh wait, you don’t? Is that because V’s judgment is fucking terrible?

Hmm, apparently, Juliet’s brother Ben pleaded guilty. That definitely means he did whatever it is he was accused of doing. I don’t know who I like less out of this little triangle.

:04 I love how Rufus’s life revolves around waffles nowadays.

Chuck, on Nate returning Juliet’s Punisher War Journal #6, her copy of Fletch, and the remote control to her TV: “Closure, the unattainable goal. In my personal experience, the closest I’ve come to getting it is through massive amounts of hate sex, but that’s just me.”

Blair: What if someone sees?
Chuck: You don’t like that any more?

:08 You know Dan wants Serena back desperately, because a literary elitist like him wouldn’t be seen dead even holding a business self help book, let alone actually reading it.

:13 Blair, on Serena and Professor Forrester’s plan to go away for the weekend: “Do you forget what happens to you on vacations? There’s a reason you never get a tan line.”

:17 I like Nate trying to play the bad cop here, with this interrogation of Juliet. Who is about to lie to him again. And he’ll believe it. Because he always thinks the best of everyone, even though everyone in his life, including his own family, has betrayed him at some point.

And how condescending is Juliet. I used to shop at Woodbury Common! I used to live in a fifth floor walkup!

Nate: “I’m a big believer in second chances” (!)

:26 Blair in the tub, Serena sitting on the tub in a silk kimono. Nothing to see here, folks.

:29 Dorota, to Chuck, after Blair rebuffs his sexual advances: “KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance.” Firstly, Dorota! Second of all, I dunno, Dorota! Chuck can be very persuasive.

Vanessa spied on Juliet through Foursquare? This episode is not gonna stand the test of time. Also, Vanessa is a moron.

Gossip Girl: “It looks like the chip on Vanessa’s shoulder just went digital.” Hehehe.

:36 Aww, poor Dan. How many times is Lonely Boy going to see his girl gaze longingly at another guy? He should now hatch an elaborate but hilariously boneheaded plan to bring Professor Forester down. That’s his new style, no?

:38 Dan: “Nate was last week’s beard.” I love it.

:40 I’ve heard about trimming the hedges, Vanessa, but you’re over here scorching the earth! Don’t you want ANY friends?

:44 Just saw an ad for Burlesque. So, is this Moulin Rouge? Or Showgirls? Or Coyote Ugly?

:47 Blah. This scene with the dean is absurd. Every time the woman leaves the house, she’s harassed by stuck up brats.

:49 Are they gonna sit here and make me feel bad for Juliet? Because, you know, irregardless of Serena and Professor Forester’s little rules, it’s still true that they were involved, and I’m not sure that there’s a bright line between “trading grades for sex” and “trading grades for the prospect of sex.” And Vanessa is right, Serena gets away with murder on a more or less weekly basis. But I also can’t stand Juliet. So . . .

:54 So Professor Forester gave up his teaching position at Columbia for . . . nothing?

Dan reminds me so much of myself it’s actually disturbing. I’ve had a girl convince me to drop everything I’ve been doing and run out to meet her on more than a few occasions.

. . . and now he’s gonna run into Serena and Nate and draw all manner of conclusions!

:56 Blair: What do you think our count is?
Chuck: Us a million, the world zero.

:58 I was really expecting Juliet to be skyping with Georgina Sparks. As it stands, I don’t really think Juliet’s revenge is going to go so well if she’s in league with b-rate jokes like Little J and Vanessa.

A dear friend of mine informed me the other day that she heard the Juliet storyline is going to carry on into the spring. Which would be fine, if they would just tell us what the hell is going on! Let’s see if any light is shed on the sitch this week, shall we?

:01 Serena, after hearing Colin is descended from lobstermen: “I love The Deadliest Catch.” Those are crabs, you fool!

If not having sex for a few weeks caused swelling violins and echo-y voices in your head, the soundtrack of my life would be 68 Haydn string quartets on a continuous loop from the bottom of Carlsbad Caverns.

:04 Rufus, on why he and Lily will be celebrating their anniversary alone: “Jenny has a big test she has to study for and she can’t make it back to the city. It doesn’t feel right having a family celebration without her.” How many more times do you have to throw her out of your house before you realize that Jenny is the worst, Rufus?

:06 Chuck, during negotiations with Blair: “You can’t have Fashion Week in Paris and Milan. You have to choose.” Chuck’s tone there was perfect Bass.

Blair, on Serena and her new beau: “You are one macchiato from making the same mistake you always make.” If Serena and Colin having sex before the end of the semester were a company, I would invest my lift savings in it. Good thing it’s not. Because I have no life savings.

:08 Eric is right, Dan. Chuck and Blair will eat you alive.

:13 If there’s anyone you can trust, Serena, it’s the rando that just showed up this season and has already betrayed you and your friends.

Have we ever figured out how Ben is getting e-mails in prison?

:15 Serena’s favorite book is The Beautiful and Damned? If that’s true, I’m a little impressed. I never made it through that one.

:17 Chuck, on Dan’s bungling: “You really don’t know how to stage a run in, do you? Cut to the chase.”

“The intricacies of our war games are too complex for a prole like you to comprehend.” Dan is just getting BURNED this ep.

Juliet: “Some people are such prudes.”
Serena: “Heh. Yeah.” Lol @ this.

“Nate thought he and Humphrey were thick as thieves. Turns out Humphrey’s a thief, and Nate’s just thick.” Ha! Nate IS thick, Gossip Girl.

:24 This is a conversation I was having with the Official Washington Correspondent of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun.

OWCODDU: Here’s what happened
Colin committed some sort of crime
But he is rich
Juliet and her brother are poor!
Timmy: So Ben took the fall?
Clever!
OWCODDU: Ben took the fall for the crime so that Colin would pay for Juliet’s education!
And done!
Timmy: I’m gonna put this in DD&U.
Timestamped!
OWCODDU: WOOT

:27 Eleanor, after Blair insulted her dress for the evening: “Actually, dear, I picked it out.” Pwned! Don’t ever talk to Dorota like that again.

:32 Is the dean of Columbia Karen Hayes from 24? (10:28: IMDB says yes!)

Is Blair ever going to find out that that minion betrayed her to chuck?

:34 Dan is all pissed at Nate for hanging out with Serena, because he forgot that he went behind Nate’s back and read Blair and Chuck’s treaty.

:35 Blair, dismissing Serena’s defense of Juliet: “If I want to hear fiction, I’ll go talk to Jonathan Franzen. In fact . . .” I know this is a name-droppy show, but I find it hard to believe that Franzen would go to Blair’s birthday party.

:39 Nate: I just saw something in the kitchen! It must be about me! Allow me to jump to wild conclusions!

Minions, on Rita’s surprise: “A Jack Bass sex tape? A Nelly Yuki snuff film?” Ha!

:42 Haha! Slapstick! Apparently, I’m supposed to know that the woman who got chocolate spilled on her is Rachel Zoe? Who is apparently some kind of stylist?

:47 Colin is a complete squirrelmaster. What is Serena doing with this guy? He makes Tripp Van Der Bilt look like Gerard butler.

:49 Rufus to his kid: “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry you became one of them.” Pwned!

:52 Is Blair really so concerned about this silly karaoke video?

Speaking of Cyrus, where is he? I miss that guy!

:55 Dan and Vanessa should just do it. Right?

:56 Serena to Colin: “The new me really wants to wait.” How many new Serenas have there been? Half a dozen, right?