Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

# Has anyone seen the trailer for this movie You Again? Does wanting to see it make me a stupid idiot? Kristen Bell in glasses! And I liked Sigourney Weaver in Holes. It’s a good concept! I’m seeing it, I don’t care what you people say.

# I could write a post a week about a song that I hear in a commercial that I wind up loving. The problem is, sometimes Youtube and Google do a good job of helping me figure out what a song in a given commercial is, and sometimes they don’t. (Serious question: shouldn’t there be a Youtube and and IMDB that like, specifically caters to commercials? So we can see who the actors are and what the songs are? And find them whenever we want without jumping through hoops? Do such sites already exist? If they do and you know about them, precious readers, don’t keep the information to yourself!) Anyway, this time, everything fell into place! I’m talking about the Virgin Mobile commercial that’s been on (they call it “The Crazy Life”).

Firstly, I’ll talk to my web advisers and figure out if there’s anything I can do about those HD Youtube embeds leaking out of the frame. Secondly, the guy at the lectern in the church? None other than Rob Halford, of Judas Priest. How cool! Thirdly, that’s the Hives covering “Early Morning Wake Up Call,” by an Australian New Wave outfit called Flash and the Pan. I can’t get it outta my head! Here’s the original.

# It’s 30–10 at the end of the first half, and the 18th-ranked UNC Tar Heels are playing like half of their starters haven’t even dressed. Oh wait.

# Incidentally, the music playing over some of the interstitial footage during the halftime show of this LSU–UNC game reminded me of something that I’ve wanted to talk about for quite some time. It’s been around for a while, and y’all are more hip than I am, but have you see the video for MGMT’s “Kids”? Isn’t it the most horrible thing you’ve ever seen? For real! I’m also very weirded out by that quote at the beginning. Not the quote itself; I’ve been saying it for years. (As has everyone that ever read The Watchmen.) It’s that the quote is so clearly and obviously from Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil, that it makes me wonder why the guys from MGMT would attribute it to Mark Twain. Because that has to have been something done on purpose, right?

# Hank Hill is a pretty alright dude.

# Also, before I forget, let me remind you that sharks have a week dedicated to Mark Herzlich. If Mark Herzlich were in the movie 300, it wouldn’t be called 300. It would be called 1. Who would win in a fight between Mark Herzlich and Galactus? That’s a trick question: Mark Herzlich IS the Devourer of Worlds.

# Here’s a real life bit of conversation:
nick: i hate superman as a hero, as a character, as anything
he’s simultaneously the strongest superhero and the most useless if someone has a pebble in their pocket
me: well, kryptonite is a deus ex machina that would make euripides blush
nick: lol
that’s a funny line
me: i was gonna say the same thing
i’m putting it in my blog

The Miami Heat are orchestrating the most dramatic heel turn since Shawn Michaels gave Marty Janetty a dose of the ol’ Sweet Chin Music.

The thing about guys is, they think that the banter they have with their pals is pure comedic gold. The thing about your favorite blogger, though, is that when he says his banter with his pals is pure comedic gold, he’s not screwing around! Would I ever lead you astray, precious reader?

In that vein, I asked my pal Nick, the Official Philadelphia Correspondent of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun (and my former roommate) to engage in a little be-bopping about this year’s All-Star Home Run Derby. As you’ve come to expect from a blog that’s always a day late and a buck short, I’ve only gotten around to posting it two days after the actual event. Only the most minor of edits have been made, because I’m committed to keeping things on the real. That means almost no capital letters, and plenty of lols.

nick: alright
i got my money on chris b. young
me: yeah?
nick: it’s less that i have confidence in him and more that i hope his trade value goes up with some sort of subconscious developments penetrating the minds of our fellow fantasiers
me: i haven’t put much thought into it
i’m gonna put my money behind small papi, though
nick: (is this being recorded?)
me: this conversation? yeah
nick: ok starting with?
me: i’m gonna start with the part when you make your prediction
nick: ok
me: this is completely unedited, so don’t say anything you don’t want potentially billions of people seeing
also, pretend you’re not an idiot
so i just said “look, that guy is playing a uke”
and kevin [the Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun] was like “youkilis?”
nick: patrick monahan needs a new pair of jeans
me: is that the singer from train?
nick: yes, monahan is the lead singer
he looks 80
i may just think this because i don’t follow the brewers, but did corey hart steal a page from the jayson werth facial hair manual
me: he stole a page from the abe lincoln facial hair manifesto
nick: “leads the league in smiles”?
give me a break, ortiz
me: remember when ortiz sucked? those were the days
hanley ramirez owes every single one of his all-star starts to fantasy baseball players
nick: who has the highest total round, and what number do they end on?
me: what do you mean, highest total round?
nick: i don’t think its cumulative
so highest individual round
me: i’m sure they’ll explain the rules
hamilton had 28 a few years ago
remember the year he won the derby?
nick: haha, he didn’t
me: i know!
nick: good trick, though!
me: morneau stole it from him, like he stole jeter’s mvp in 2006
nick: i’ve really warmed up to jeter the past few years. it’s almost like you can’t like both a-rod and jeter at the same time; your love for them is inversely proportional. i think many people may feel that way
me: my love for derek jeter is a lot like the universe
always expanding
nick: until that one final day where everything implodes
me: kevin makes a good point
has anyone been more famous for doing so little than bo jackson
nick: inside the sports realm? so, excluding paris hilton, et al.?
me: right
bo jackson played two sports, he ran over brian bosworth, and his tecmo bowl character was invincible
nick: i might go with the other two sport athlete — deion sanders
me: but i think his football career was a little more distinguished
nick: from the media’s perspective. he avoided tackling someone like people avoid the plague
prime time, that is
me: i wish i had a nickname
nick: you do have one
me: yeah? what’s that
nick: The-Most-Unf*ckable-Dude-Ever (don’t put that in!)
me: haha
that was great!
actually, now that i think about, i’ll edit this so it looks like we’re not talking over each other
nick: good idea [Editor's note: Conversation has been edited for clarity and excision of talk-overingness.]
nick: Here we go — Joe Morgan, “In case you were unaware, I’m a Hall of Famer, and in case you weren’t there when I predicted it, I predicted Miguel Cabrera would be the AL MVP and the first coming of my savior, Jesus Christ.”
me: who is chris young, btw
nick: I dont know
but I wish he was wearing a helmet
me: or any sort of headgear
nick: look at that stat! one of three players with 15 and 15
chris young taking the first fifteen pitches, showing his new-found patience at the plate
me: zing!
nick: over under on how many “back-back”s we hear tonight
me: 21.5
nick: i think you misplaced that decimal
ill take 215
me: of anything in a derby, i root for two kids shagging flies in the outfield to get into a savage fight
look at this. some of these kids are 10 years old, and others are taller than me
nick: hormones
artificial
remember when i had hoped this would increase interest in c. young?
i can now only hope for such a piss poor performance that people forget he was ever in it
me: did you see how that foul went to where the beach ball was bouncing around, and it just disappeared when the baseball fell?
nick: lol
me: you people need to be careful!
chris young couldn’t even hit the charity ball out. he’s history’s greatest monster
nick: what did i say before? this is gonna be the base hit derby
me: the single up the middle derby, i believe you called it
nick: i’m gonna throw my official prediction in a little late
i’ve got hanley
me: so you’re changing your pick
nick: give me a copy paste
with my other vote
me: haha
before we talk about how guys are doing in this derby, let’s discuss how chris young played in the minors last year, and until three months ago, vernon wells had the most lopsidedly bad contract in baseball
id est, these guys are stinktown!
nick: this isn’t because i own him in our fantasy league, but i feel like young gets more of a bye on this
he’s still very young
pun completely intended
me: is that what the B in chris b young stands for?
bye?
nick: i thought it was “baller,” but ive been wrong before

nick: did erin andrews just ask torii hunter if he and papi were “boys.” ugh
me: how hot must corey hart’s face be
i haven’t shaved in a week, and my chin is sweating 24/7
nick: i don’t know, man. i haven’t shaved my face since junior year of college — what’s that? — over 5 years
me: but is it ever as long as corey “the hitman” hart?
nick: when i don’t tend to it, yes; also see: hockey season
there’s our first ten “back-back”s
on one swing
me: corey hart learned home run hitting from his dad, who was a great softball player
nick: corey hart is going to hit four home runs after the break
me: if that were a company, i’d invest my life savings in it
nick: look at us — we’re all jacked up over 464 foot home runs
ten years ago, people used to hit 464 foot home runs with a check swing
me: i have corey hart on my nl-only team. i’m dropping the eff out of him after this
he’s bobby abreu-ing the shit out of this contest
nick: i might actually do a sort of stat analysis
i’m going to take all of the guys in the derby
and follow their second half numbers, see if they rise or fall
then choose ten other guys who have hit a bunch
but aren’t in the derby, and follow them similarly
and see if there really is some sort of correlation
me: i’ll post your results on the ol’ blog
nick: i am going to eliminate pujols, simply because he’s the best hitter in the game, arguably
so he will be almost like, i guess, the closest thing to a control group
which isn’t even accurate
but you know what i mean
me: can you change your pitcher? why wouldn’t nick swisher have this jockey pitch to him?
nick: if i was hitting, id ask for eric milton
is he still around?
me: he’s probably setting pins in a bowling alley
nick swisher is the exact kind of guy that would win this dopey contest
nick: swisher looks like a mental patient
me: he looks like popeye
nick: his hat’s crooked, he’s making odd jerky facial movements
speaking of popeye, do you know why so many people thought spinach was conducive to muscle growth
back in the day
aka popeye, old commercials, etc.
me: didn’t they do a study that massively overestimated the amount of iron there was in spinach?
nick: i don’t know if the study was incorrect, or if they just mislabeled the nutritional facts. whatever happened, people forever thought spinach had ten times more iron than it actually has
i think a decimal was screwed up on the label
me: i read about this on cracked
http://www.cracked.com/article_18517_the-7-most-disastrous-typos-all-time.html
nick: i’m gonna go on record here as saying the derby needs a tweak. it’s completely uninteresting.
me: remember rock and jock softball? you could ask for the chicago ball, and it was worth like, ten runs or something
nick: haha yeah
john kruk and freddie prinz junior were the rock and jock equivalent of the bash brothers
me: i remember jenny mccarthy was on it before she went cuckoo
nick: what ever happened to her
me: married jim carrey, got the idea that vaccines are no good, hopped on the express to crazytown
crazytown the place, not crazytown the band
nick: awful band, but i bet you like them
me: butterfly was a catchy song
did they even have another one? do they count as a band?
nick: i think their album may have consisted of six different versions of that song
holliday? more like folly-day
me: there’s positively no joy in berman’s back-back-backs
nick: i’m not sure he even says it anymore; it may be a recording
me: erin andrews is calling everyone someone’s boy. sup with that?
nick: why don’t you eliminate her, albert?
me: if you wanted to call me “la machina,” i wouldn’t object
nick: i’m gonna call you ex machina, cause you’re not believable
me: hiyo!
the new yorker just ran a profile of ortiz
and it’s very well written, and almost seamless, but you can tell that the writer set out to write the “david ortiz sucks now” story
and then had to be like, “but suddenly, he started hitting homers again!”
hilarious
nick: see, on second thought, i may agree with you on papi
you think of his struggles, and the struggles of most home run hitters late in his career
it all has to do with the slowing down of the bat and swing movement, and less so with power
these pitches are going a mile an hour, of course hes gonna whack ‘em
me: i could hit a 55 mile an hour fastball out of the park
nick: no chance
out of the infield, maybe
nick: lol
did you see that dope
me: good one
nick: first row of the outfield
thought he caught it
pumped up, raising the fists of glory
it fell out of his glove and the kid didnt give it back to him
me: good!
a grown man shouldn’t be bringing a glove to the ballpark
nick: i agree completely
did you know joe morgan was a hall of fame player
me: he looks like the undead when they show him on camera
nick: the real joe morgan is tied up in a closet in some wax museum.
and here we are subjected to the wax dummy
me: the living wax dummy
nick: with two pull-string lines
when i was a hall of famer
and “yer doin’ it wrong . . . i’m the hall of famer”
me: a lot of guys are hall of famers
you know what? i could go for some organic milk
nick: milk is bad for you

Editor’s note: A rather lengthy and heated discussion about the nutritional efficacy of milk ensued. Certain parties may have passive aggressively encouraged other parties to enjoy dying of milk-related complications. Other certain parties may have made a wager, the prize of which would entitle the winner to pour beer on the loser’s grave. It was in no way home-run related, so your favorite blogger has excised it.

me: so when hanley signs his eventual big free agent contract, is he gonna say “i’m taking my talents out of south beach”
nick: i’d buy his jersey if he did

nick: how about that
our guys are tied after two rounds
me: my guy, and the guy you make-up picked?
nick: i didn’t pick young! i wanted him to win
to increase trade value
me: haha

nick: when you post the blog, you better not say hanley was my make up pick
Sent at 10:16 PM on Monday
me: haha
we should talk a little more about the derby, so we have some content
nick: so a nick vs. tim final
me: yup
nick: this is like harry potter vs. voldemort, god vs. lucifer, good vs. evil
of course i’m the good
me: you’re the world’s dumbest human

nick: “going against your guy”
erin adnrews didn’t learn one name for tonight
me: bad job by her
someone told her not to say “your boy”
nick: lol
did you see all those empty seats?
i thought you couldn’t sell sex for a ticket to these things
me: people are different in so-cal
me: they’re probably all off eating fish tacos or something
nick: haha
its gonna be tough for good to overcome evil here
me: they’re playing “temperature” during hanley’s at-bat
that’s my jam
also, let the record show that a heated conversation about milk took our attention away from this thing
seems to me like definitive proof that the home run derby needs a fresh wrinkle
nick: fact

Will Lebron James spend the next three to five seasons delivering the multiple championships that we’ve all been assured he will someday win to Cleveland, ushering in a new golden age for the benighted former metropolis? Or will he flee, plunging clea bleak, post-apocalyptic nightmare future where unsold Travis Hafner bobbleheads are the only currency, and flames leaping from the Cuyahoga River are not a shameful sign of postindustrial decay, but rather a nostalgic reminder of the bright flame of hope that once burned in the heart of every Clevelander, before their Chosen One skipped town, their souls and innocence in tow? Tonight is the night we find out!

I’ve gone back and forth about Lebron’s um, decision to go through with “The Decision,” the hour-long program tonight where he’ll announce the team he’s chosen to sign a free agent contract with. On the one hand, it’s incredibly tacky. It’s always been one thing for ESPN and the rest of the national media to pick up this “Where will Lebron go” narrative and milk it for everything it’s worth over the past three years. But for the man himself to throw one final last tanker full of gasoline onto the flames with this self-indulgent bit of puffery? It’s unseemly, especially considering Lebron has yet to win a damn thing.

Then again, as you all know from my posts on guys like Manny Ramirez and Chad Ochocinco, I’m all about my athletes being entertainers. Sports are supposed to be fun and frivolous. They’re supposed to be spectacle. Is there a bigger spectacle than an hour-long, widely publicized, highly produced show dedicated to the type of announcement that Kevin Durant managed to make in less than 140 characters. As far as entertainment goes, Lebron can either make himself into a Rushmore-worthy mark of integrity and loyalty by sticking with Cleveland, or one of the biggest sports villains ever by stabbing his hometown team in the heart on the biggest stage imaginable. Either way, I’m writing a running diary of the thing. Here we go!

8:58 And Sportscenter is already reporting that “Sources indicate Lebron James will sign with the Heat.” I hope that doesn’t happen, or else ESPN will have ruined their whole surprise!

8:59 We’ll all be watching together, Linda Cohn just said. I feel like America is my whole family. Lebron James is bringing people together. Before he tears them bloodily apart.

9:01 Who is this voiceover guy, Zordon? Also, this bing logo in the “The Decision” chyron in the corner is pretty ill-placed.

9:02 Simmons touched on this earlier in the day, but I’ll reiterate: if Lebron, Bosh, and Wade are playing for the Heat, who else are they playing with? Hobos off the street? Guys that’ll play for mojitos?

9:03 Jon Barry just called Dwyane Wade the second-best player in the game. I think there should be a split screen of Kobe Bryant’s reactions to the bloviation that occurs in the next hour.

9:07 I swear to God, I almost bought that purple gingham shirt the other day. Of course, I don’t think Lebron is shopping at the Banana Republic factory store.

I’ve liked Joe Johnson ever since he made the Celtics look like they were playing pee-wee ball in the 2008 playoffs, but I don’t think he really deserved that contract.

9:10 I might be a homer, but I think what happened with the Celtics in 2008 was a fluky anomaly. Rondo and Perkins happened to coincidentally be effective players, and James Posey happened to be able to play clutch defense on everyone’s best player, and PJ Brown happened to be able to still walk. Lightning in a bottle!

9:11 Would it have killed ESPN to take the time to superimpose Lebron’s face onto some color unis? At least it would look dynamic and distract us for a second from what an effing farce this whole thing is. For a second.

Commercials = grabbing a beer. Great Divide Denver Pale Ale. Perhaps Lebron to the Nuggets?

9:15 Where would we be without “California Love”? ESPN would need to play the theme to The OC during All-Star promos, that’s where.

9:16 At 25, I wanted the option to earn jillions more dollars. I bet Lebron’s living room has air conditioning.

You know, I refuse to believe that Lebron would go through with this whole show if his operation was leaky enough that so many “sources” are sure he’s signing with the Heat. But I don’t know anything about anything.

9:20 Here’s a Facebook update from the Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun, a Cleveland native and Cavaliers fan:

ORODDU: really? this thing is sponsored by bing, the “decision engine” and “DecisionWater” (formerly known as VitaminWater)?? ridiculous

Ha!

9:22 I gotta tell you, I couldn’t care less what Lebron thinks about the process. We’ve all made tough decisions before. They suck! Get on with it!

9:23 Incidentally, I saw the giant sign that the Russian plutocrat owner of the Nets painted on the side of that building overlooking MSG the other day. It’s kinda hilarious.

9:25 I’m ashamed to say that I have a knot in my stomach. This could be the end of Cleveland, and the guillotine is dropping in slower than slow motion.

9:27 So it’s the Heat. Did you hear that crowd? Hoo boy.

9:29 “How do you explain this to the city of Cleveland?” Like this: see you in hell!

9:30 Will you still live in Akron? Ha! That’s a legitimate lol.

9:32 This is a time-stamped guarantee: if Pat Riley doesn’t walk downstairs at some point to coach Lebron James, I’ll eat my hat.

Look at all that Vitamin Water. It looks like backstage at a Gossip Girl fashion show.

9:36 Did you see that bartender in Cleveland? Holy smokes.

Mike Wilbon just congratulated Lebron for making his decision. I wish I was congratulated for doing things I’m supposed to do. “First of all, Timmy, congratulations for brushing your teeth this morning.”

9:39 I hope the fans will be respectful, but I don’t expect them to be. Interesting quote. I would change my mind about rooting against Lebron if he made a complete heel turn here. Drop the faux humbleness, mug for the camera more, show up to the arena in a black feather boa.

9:44 That’s right! Who knows how game 7 would have gone if Perkins didn’t go down!

One look at my Facebook news feed, and I’m already having a backlash against the Lebron backlash. I don’t want to hate on Lebron is hating on Lebron is already passe . . .

9:49 Was that litany of great teams a slap in the face of Mo Williams?

I kinda sorta don’t believe that they’re showing Lebron video of people burning his jersey. “How do you feel about that, Lebron?” Probably bad! Then again, nothing burns like an effigy . . .

9:51 I love this “to my real fans” stuff.

10:00 Alright, enough. Go Celtics.

Let’s explore. Here are two grafs from the AP story on today’s firing of Florida Marlins manager Fredi Gonzalez.

Graf 1: “We owe it to our fans to put this team in the best possible position to win,” [Marlins] owner Jeffrey Loria said in a statement. “Everyone knows how I feel about winning. That’s the reason we’re making this change.”

Graf 2: When last season ended, Gonzalez’s job was considered in jeopardy because Loria was upset that the Marlins failed to make the playoffs, although they finished 12 games above .500 with the smallest payroll in baseball. Several times this year Loria denied Gonzalez should be worried about his job security, most recently at the start of a trip May 7 in Washington.

To review, some key clauses: “We owe it to our fans to put this team in the best possible position to win” and “finished 12 games above .500 with the smallest payroll in baseball.”

This has been another installment of “How to Tell if Your Team’s Owner Is an Asshole.”

If there were a zombie apocalypse, what would you do? What if you just happened to be a huge zombie movie fan, itching for the opportunity to prove your mettle under the most zombierific circumstances? My old Bayonne High School buddy, Sam Platizky, is the writer, producer, and star of Blaming George Romero, a feature length horror dramedy that will attempt to answer these questions and many more. I interviewed Sam during the first week of shooting.

Timmy: So give me the Readers’ Digest version of what Blaming George Romero is.

The official movie poster!

Sam: Story-wise, Blaming George Romero is a movie about four pop culture junkie friends who would prefer a zombie apocalypse to their present lives. So when it looks like there’s been a “zombacalypse,” if you will, they jump at the chance to do what it takes to survive, and on the way they learn that there’s more to living than just surviving

Timmy: We can talk a little more about the content and the zombie genre later, but I’m actually really interested in the process of film making. How are you getting this done?

Sam: I am getting this done because I must be one of the luckiest people on the planet. The camera, I bought, but everything else is coming from some fantastic people. Doug Youmans is our lighting guy, and he has a wealth of his own equipment that he is willing to share with us along with his knowledge and experience. Joey Mosca is our sound guy who came to us with his equipment (boom mic, recorder/mixer, lav mics, etc.) Without them, I would be lost, and the best thing is we all get along really well and we all share a passion for the project.

Timmy: Where did this idea come from?

Sam: Without getting too deep into the twists and turns of the movie, the idea came to me in two parts.

Timmy: No spoilers, please.

Sam: First, I love the zombie genre, but I was getting tired of movies where it seemed like the protagonist had no idea what a zombie even was. They would go through the movie with people dying and becoming zombies and it wouldn’t be until the end that they figured out what the deal was. To me, it seemed crazy. I mean, they must have at least heard of zombie movies, but no, people get bit and are turning into zombies in front of them and nothing. No recognition, no survival instinct. So i wanted to create a zombie movie where the protagonists knew what they were doing. Enter the pop culture junkies

Timmy: That’s funny. As a viewer, you can suspend your disbelief to accept the walking dead, but some chump that doesn’t realize he’s in the middle of a zombie infestation? It takes you right out of the narrative!

Sam: Yeah. I guess, on some level, I have just taken the whole notion of zombies for granted. It’s like, “Oh, ok, zombies. Let’s go,” and my characters express that same sentiment, to extremes at times.

The second reason I wrote it was, I had just written a massive WWII horror screenplay that I would never have the budget to shoot, and I wanted to write something reasonable.

Timmy: Wolfenstein 3D: The Motion Picture?

Sam: Haha. Not quite. Its called Langsomer Tod. I’d love to get back to it some day, but right now, it isn’t feasible.

Also, i should mention that I’d just found this website, Indiegogo, for crowd funding, and figured i could potentially use it to help fund the project. Once that was in the equation, the project came much closer to reality.

Timmy: Yeah, I was going to ask about that. I’m on Facebook, and I can’t scroll two inches without seeing the Blaming George Romero logo. How successful have you been in leveraging social media to get this project going?

Sam: Well, “successful” can have a lot of meanings. We haven’t reached our funding goal yet, but I’d say we have been very successful. The word is out there, and we’ve raised one-third of our goal amount. People seem to be interested,

Timmy: This is a good time to mention that i’ll definitely be linking to the Facebook and Indiegogo pages.

Sam: And i thank you for that, sir. We also have our website www.BlameRomero.com, currently being worked on by Brad Resnick and a mutual friend of ours, Jason Goldstein.

Timmy: What do you want to be the end result for this film? Will you be entering into festivals?

Sam: Yessir, that is the goal. Once we are out of post production, we’ll be entering film festivals and trying our luck there. From there it’s a matter of seeing what happens, you know? Whether people take to it, if someone wants to distribute it, or even if it just gets our names out there. In a lot of ways just finishing this project will have been a huge undertaking.

It’s funny, going back to the idea of social networking. We had people interested while we were in pre-production, but I think there may have been the notion in the backs of some peoples’ minds that this wouldn’t get done, but once the first production stills were out after the first day of filming, it was like people realized that this was happening.

Timmy: Sometimes all it takes is a slick-looking headshot.

Sam: Yep.

Timmy: Why a zombie movie? You said you love the genre, but is there anything else to it, in terms of telling the type of story you wanted to tell?

Sam: That is an interesting question. I think its part of the zeitgeist right now. There’ve always been movies, but now there are books like Pride & Prejudice & Zombies, The Zombie Survival Guide, World War Z. I actually heard a high school had Pride & Prejudice & Zombies on their curriculum! I think it’s definitely something that’s very prevalent right now.

As for why, beyond the fact that its entertaining, I think there is an aspect of zombies that is terrifying, more so than most movie monsters.

Timmy: We could all be zombies, if it came down to it.

Sam: Yeah, and to an extent, we are. Not to get too philosophical, but beyond the basic zombies craving flesh, they’re like a dark mirror to us.

Timmy: Get as philosophical as you want, pal.

Sam: They wander aimlessly, all they do is consume, they aren’t really alive, and I think to some extent, there is a part of that in many people. We shamble through our day to day and never really live. I think that’s pretty scary.

Timmy: Movie zombies, especially in George Romero flicks, are notorious for representing some sort of dark aspect of our own nature.

Sam: Yeah, Romero was great with that. He wanted to tell a story about racism, or society, and he did it with zombies. So much subtext. It’s like a spoonful of sugar: you get the message, but here, have some zombies to go with it. Which is one of the reasons i loved P & P & Z. It’s a classic piece of literature, not changed at all, except there are zombies in it. What a way to get people interested in reading classics.

Timmy: I actually didn’t mind the regular Pride and Prejudice. But I’m an English major. It’s my job to not mind it.

Sam: Haha. I hear you, but for those people who mind it just because they’re intimidated by the year it was written, it’s ingenious.

Timmy: My understanding is that there aren’t any zombies in the movie at all?

Sam: I will say this, without spoiling too much, there are zombies in the movie in one form or the other. However, a good deal of the conflict is trying to figure out whether or not there is in fact a zombacalypse going on.

Timmy: And you’re calling it a dramedy? Or am i making that up?

Sam: Ha, no, you aren’t making it up. I hate labels, sometimes, especially for this movie, but there are aspects of drama and comedy in it. For that matter there are some horror aspects as well. But yeah, dramedy, because some parts I think are downright hilarious, while others are really deep, and (I hope) will make people think.

Timmy: A lot of zombie movies are like that.

Sam: Yeah, I think they are unique in that respect. It’s another reason to utilize the zombie.

Timmy: Tell me about the cast. I know these folks, but my readers don’t.

Sam: They are a great bunch of people. The four leads are myself, Robert Lise, Loarina Gonzalez, and Dan Gregory. I have worked with Bobby for about 11 years now. He’s one of my closest and most trusted acting friends. Within the last two years, he actually started gravitating towards directing, so while i wrote the part of “Bobby” for him, when it came time to find a director, Bobby became that as well.

Loarina is his girlfriend, who we both met acting in college. She is really terrific. Very subtle in her delivery, but very powerful too. And Dan only recently started acting, although I’ve known him since high school. After working with him on a film last year, I wanted to write him a role in this movie.

The rest of the cast is rounded out by my brother, Isaac, who is an amazing actor; some of my former teachers from college, Anderson Johnson and Adria Firestone; and some other wonderful actors I have had the pleasure of working with before: Chris Lucas, Christina Garced, Ramy Shedid, John Trigonis, Eva Visco, and a few more. I just filmed a scene with Christina yesterday, and watched it tonight. Every take was hilarious. I love working with these people, and I love watching the results.

Timmy: I’m a writer, and I’m constantly entrusting my stuff to editors who are responsible for the finished product. How much easier does it make your job when your director is a trusted friend

Sam: It’s very relaxing. I can take a step back and just trust him, you know? And at the same time, if we disagree, we can go from screaming at each other over the smallest thing to actually getting a better product because of the argument. And no hard feelings, because we’ve just been doing this for so long.

Timmy: It’s a beautiful thing.

Sam: It really is.

Timmy: Day of the Dead is my favorite of George Romero’s movies. Explain to me why I’m not crazy.

Sam: Haha. I cannot do that. Night of the Living Dead is my favorite. Followed closely by Dawn. Day is good, but it always struck me as the black sheep of the Dead family. I think the setting being so drastic is what does it for me. Why is it your favorite?

Timmy: That drastic-ness, I think, is the key. It explores a logical extreme of what would happen if the zombies inherited the earth. It’s more a big picture movie than Night or Dawn.

Sam: Hmmm. I see where you’re at with that. I just don’t agree. However, if you want logical extremes and big pictures, I can’t recommend Max Brooks’s World War Z enough.

Timmy: What’s that about?

Sam: It is about a guy interviewing survivors in the aftermath of the zombie apocalypse, and their stories from all over the world and all different people at various stages of the apocalypse. It’s so well thought out.

Timmy: I’m putting it on the list. You’re in the middle of filming. How is it going?

Sam: We are two days in. It’s going really well. We all work well together. The first two days were fairly simple shoots, though. We have some more difficult ones up ahead.

Timmy: Where are you shooting?

Sam: Bayonne, NJ mostly, but also Blairstown, Stewartsville, Weehawken, Jersey City. All in NJ.

On the set.

Timmy: Blairstown. Home of Camp Crystal Lake, no?

Sam: You are absolutely correct! I went there with some friends a year ago, and we found this great area. We’re going to use it next week.

Timmy: If I was going to film a horror movie, it’s one of the first places I’d think of.

It might be time to wrap up. I’m giving you free rein for plugs, promotions, boastful claims, acknowledgments, whatever you want.

Sam: I have to say I couldn’t do this without a terrific cast and crew, our amazing supporters who have donated to www.indiegogo.com/Blame_Romero, and even our fans on Facebook and Twitter who help spread the word. They are the best of the best. I hope people stay with us throughout the production because it’s going to be one hell of a ride. And I want to thank you, for the opportunity to spread the word to more people.

Timmy: We Bayonnaise have to stick together.

Sam: Hell yeah we do!

It breaks your heart. It is designed to break your heart. The game begins in spring, when everything else begins again, and it blossoms in the summer, filling the afternoons and evenings, and then as soon as the chill rains come, it stops and leaves you to face the fall alone.
—Bart Giamatti

When I think about it consciously, I try not to get too sentimental about baseball. I like baseball, and I think it’s fun, and it brings a lot of joy to my life (both from cheering for the Yankees, and passionately loathing the teams I hate, which is pretty much every team that isn’t the Yankees). At the end of the day, though, baseball is just a game, and its consequences for our daily lives really are minimal.

And yet we all know what I just wrote is bullshit when the rubber hits the road. Baseball fans can’t help but get sentimental about the game. It draws us in, it incites us to irrational devotion, and, as former commissioner Bart Giamatti says above, it always breaks our hearts.

That heartbreak takes different forms, and I hope you’ll indulge a Yankees fan mustering the audacity to describe his personal experience. There’s heartbreak caused by moments, like watching an improbable Luis Gonzalez bloop touch the grass in 2001. There’s heartbreak caused by a series of moments, like watching the Yankees blow a three-game lead in the ALCS against the hated Red Socks in 2004. There’s heartbreak that only manifests itself in retrospect, like looking back on the career of a Yankee great like Don Mattingly and shaking your head at his conspicuous lack of a World Series title.

If you’re like me, you’re feeling something entirely different, and maybe entirely unfamiliar, today, as you forget all your impotent rage over Armando Galarraga’s almost but not quite perfect game, and it starts to sink in that Ken Griffey, Jr., just retired.

You can go elsewhere to read about the Kid’s signature smile or signature stroke, which turned “the sweetest swing in baseball” from a banal observation to a Homeric epitaph. Nor will I spend much time addressing Griffey’s pundit-bestowed role as a beacon of goodness and fair play in an era tainted by the widespread use of performance enhancing drugs. Nor will I lament what could have been, had Griffey not spend so many games during the prime of his career on the disabled list. His career is what it is: excellent, irregardless of our dashed hopes and expectations. Instead, I’ll just tell you why the day that Ken Griffey, Jr., retired, even though we all knew it would come at some point, was so sad: because when I came to love the game of baseball, he was there.

Like a lot of young boys, my dad taught me how to throw and catch, and I spent my summer weekends on a Little League field. But my archetypal, Sandlot-esque pastoral experiences with the game happened in the Lincoln School parking lot in Cranford, New Jersey, playing with tennis balls and metal bats with my brother and cousins. Everybody got to pick the player they wanted to be. I was a second baseman when I played organized ball, so I would be Ryne Sandberg. My cousin Chris called Mike Piazza, and his brother Matt called Frank Thomas. And my older brother, who always let me tag along when he and his friends would play wiffle ball in front of the warehouse across the street, or hit cherry pits over the fence in his buddy’s yard around the corner, and who I looked up to since I was first able to look up, would be Ken Griffey, Jr. Every time.

Sandberg is gone. Piazza is gone. Thomas is gone. And now Griffey, the greatest of them all, the guy that history will redeem as the best player of a generation, is gone. It’s enough to break your heart.

This is the way the game was played in our youth, and in our fathers’ youth, and even back then—back in the country days—there must have been the same feeling that time could be stopped. Since baseball time is measured only in outs, all you have to do is succeed utterly; keep hitting, keep the rally alive, and you have defeated time. You remain forever young.
—Roger Angell

Two more eps of Gossip Girl left. That’s not a lot of time for Jenny’s map to be eliminated for keeps, Dr. VDW to be taken away in cuffs, and Dan and Serena to get back together (which, as regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know, is my primary reason for watching the show.) As usual, I’m watching an hour late, the time stamps mean nothing, and c.

10:07 Blair: I didn’t know they had groupies that old. Way to make light of a potentially marriage-ending sitch, B. Bonus: “Dorota’s family has Polish mob connections.” What Polish mob? Can you identify them by their fox-skin hats?

10:09 I like how Chuck has a Jack Bauer–esque network of illicit contacts. He’s a legitimate business owner!

10:11 Apparently, pharmacists don’t make enough to turn down bribes. I learn something from Chuck Bass every week

10:13 Oh boy. Rufus actually brought Holland down to the apartment. Nothing makes him a badass quite like the truth. Too bad he’s surrounded himself with a nest of vipers.

10:14 Holland: Rufus, you can’t expect me to lie to their faces. Rufus: You just did! Ha!

Serena on good guys: They all are, until they aren’t anymore. Does that mean that S knows that her dad is a scumbag? Of course it doesn’t. She’s a blithering moron.

10:17 The biggest disappointment in this whole story arc is how Eric has been bamboozled. He was the only remotely innocent one left on this show.

In my entire life, I don’t think I’ve taken matters into my own hands as many times as Nate has in three seasons of Gossip Girl.

10:20 Wait, what? Holland is the psychiatrist? The hell is going on here?

10:21 Ah, a plot to instigate the public outing of a villain. That always works on this show.

My bloodlust for Jenny’s death is soon to be outstripped by my intense desire to see egg all up in Serena’s grill. She’s so effing stupid it actually hurts to contemplate.

10:25 Seriously. Only Serena could make me feel sympathy for Little J. Why do you always let me down so bad, Serena!

Blair: Are you ready to make the fat lady sing?
Dan: I’ll settle for making the lying doctor lady confess.
Thanks for contributing to the repartee, Lonely Boy. Ugh. This guy got published in the New Yorker, and I’m stuck with this sucky blog? Where’s the justice!

Um, Jenny? Now would have been a good time to reveal your damning evidence. What is she trying to pull here? I guess she’s aware that there’s still another episode left, and a good amount of plot to string along?

10:30 Lily to Dr. VDW: It’s nice to be here with someone who doesn’t hate these sort of things. Is there anyone on this show that isn’t a simpering fool?

10:34 That was some good improvisation with Dr. Holland, especially for this crew.

Aaaaaaaaand Jenny is conspiring with Dr. VDW. Your redemption was short-lived, Lil J. And now for being taken in, I feel as foolish as Serena is going to inevitably feel.

10:36 How did I let so much time elapse without noticing how whorey Serena’s dress is? Am I slipping in my old age? It’s like something an alien hooker in a Godzilla movie would wear

10:38 Rufus showing up at the van der Woodsen apartment is the 27th dramatic confrontation of this episode. It’s a new record!

This limo scene with Blair, Chuck, and the gang reminds me of the wrap-up of an Encyclopedia Brown story. Speaking of old age . . .

10:41 Nate is the exact kind of guy who would keep a random cop acquaintance in his phone book.

And me, because I’m a sap, when I see scenes where Dan walks in on an emotionally distraught Serena, I think “Maybe they’ll get back together? Please?”

10:43 I know Dr. VDW is a mirthless scoundrel, but how can he talk to Serena and not double over with laughter at that stupid hat?

I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Lily goes. Ha! Your entire life is predicated on not believing Rufus, Lily! Don’t you watch Gossip Girl?

Please, let Rufus pull out a gun and shoot his daughter right in the heart.

10:46 Eric! With the pwnage! Get Jenny the hell outta here. Consider yourself redeemed, young Van der Woodsen.

10:48 Do we want to talk about this rugby player’s sweater? No? Ok, good.

10:49 !

10:49.5 ! !

I start writing things from time to time, and nine times out of 10, if I stop, that post never sees the light of day. You know how it is when you have a great idea that fizzles out, or you just lose interest, or whatever. So it’s extra awesome when events conspire to make something from the dustbin suddenly relevant again. Here’s a little snippet of something I wrote around like, October 1ish.

My roommate and I were watching Roy Halladay and the Blue Jays completely dismantle the Red Socks yesterday. It was a 12–0 romp. A total delight to watch. The final score wasn’t the best part, though. The best part was watching Dusty Brown, the Socks’ fourth string catcher, come in to pitch in the ninth inning.

I’m going to echo Bill Simmons here and say that there’s nothing more exciting that watching a position player pitch. It’s the best! . . .

Sports fans everywhere should by now be aware of the 20-inning epic that the Mets and Cardinals engaged in last night. What does this have to do with a paragraph and a half that I wrote six months ago? Well, Cardinals second baseman Felipe Lopez and backup outfielder Joe Mather pitched the 18th, 19th, and 20th innings. That’s three innings of position players pitching!

There’s a few wacky sports events that are just awesome to see as they’re happening. A hole in one. A triple play. A buzzer-beating half-court shot. All of these events are over in the blink of an eye, though. A position player on the mound, though, is something to be savored. It lasts. There are moments within moments. It’s my favorite.

I feel like I’ve read this or heard this somewhere else, so forgive me if this sounds completely like something you’ve seen before, but my buddy and I always say that there should be a service where like, you get a text message whenever a position player is about to start pitching. And then you should obviously be able to watch it on some special channel that activates in these situations. No matter where I was—a bar, the mall, a wedding, a lecture—I would bolt to go watch a position player pitch. It’s awesome! Why can’t Major League Baseball and the networks conspire to make this happen?

You may or may not be aware, precious reader, that we’ve had a lil bit of weather up here in the Hub of the Universe. That’s fine, though, because rain has allowed me to become reacquainted with one of my all-time favorite humans, the Person Who Thinks It’s Acceptable to Walk Through an Urban Metropolis With a Beach Umbrella.

We’re dealing with history’s greatest hero, dearest reader. You see, here in Boston, during rush hour, in the rain, there are a lot of people traversing back and forth on the sidewalk. In a driving rainstorm, as truly biblical amounts of moisture are issuing forth from the heavens, why should everyone get wet? Surely, in this horrible, joyless, putrid existence, there are some on whom God’s sacred and holy light shines. Surely, there are some who are deserving of walking through an atmosphere more water than air while remaining bone dry. Good news, darling reader! There are, and you can pick out the Elect very easily: they’re walking through the streets of a town with 30,000 people per square mile carrying a patio umbrella.

Stay dry, friend!

You see, darling reader, in this postmodern world we’re living in, where traditional symbols of authority are being deconstructed faster than new ones can be erected, how can we be expected to know our place in the class structure? The Person Who Thinks It’s Acceptable to Walk Through an Urban Metropolis With a Beach Umbrella does us a crucial service, reminding we plebs wandering the hellish nightmarescape that is the Contemporary American City with a mere Totes umbrella or, even more pathetically, no umbrella whatsoever, that there are still champions walking among mortals. I mean, these demigods have to be inherently superior to the rest of us, no? Why else would they be allowed to saunter through the city under a circus tent while the rest of us stand aside in awe, our flimsy toy umbrellas buffeted by Poseiden’s own rage.

And not only that, but the Person Who Thinks It’s Acceptable to Walk Through an Urban Metropolis With a Beach Umbrella compels us to engage in two of our greatest joys: diving into curbside puddles to evade inexorable obstacles, and getting raked across the eyes by thin steel rods. Sometimes both at the same time!