Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

# A miraculous solution to a problem you may not be aware that you had.

# I’ll try not to be a Matt Taibbi link whore, but this post is good at elucidating the twin problems of wealth-coddling status quo-ism and acquiescent, uncritical royal courtier journalism.

# Very rarely do you come across a video that speaks to a generation like this one does. Never have I come closer on more occasions to strangling one of my own kin with the cord of a Nintendo controller.

I'm gonna bust the shit out of some dust

I promise that headline isn’t some kind of SEO scam. I bought this dustbuster yesterday, and I couldn’t be more thrilled. See, I’ve got all hardwood floors in my apartment, so there’s never really a pressing occasion to use the vacuum cleaner on a regular basis. Until you look in the corners, obviously! There’s only so much sweeping up or grabbing dust bunnies with your fingers that you can do before you say “screw this, I’m buying a machine to do this for me!”

I practically floated home from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. So I get home, and I open up the box, and I look at my dustbuster, and right there on the nozzle, it informs me that the battery isn’t fully charged, and I need to charge it for 20 HOURS before I can use the thing. 20 hours! I just got home an hour ago, and all I wanted to do was play with my new toy, but I don’t want to be that jerk that’s vacuuming while people are trying to sleep. So I have to wait until tomorrow to really give it a spin. I can barely contain my excitement!

Although, if you WANT to get mired in a silly Gossip Girl post, please feel free to scroll down.

You can't tell, but those rays are blazing with heat.

So, like clockwork, the beginning of November rolls around, and we get our first day where it’s 34 degrees in the morning so you have no choice but to bundle up because even though you only live something like seven minutes from the T that’s still a LONG way when it’s wicked cold out, so you throw on a hoody underneath your normal fall coat and put a winter hat on and everything is well and good but the problem is by noon the temperature is back up to the mid-50s so you’re ludicrously attired for your commute home but you still put your hoody and wool cap on anyway because you’re not going to carry that stuff around and it’s kind of bearable outside but then you get on the train and the heat is on and you start sweating a little bit and your glasses get all foggy so you take the jacket and hoody and hat off but then in the 45 minutes that you’ve been on the train the temperature has dropped to closer to 40-something so it really might be a good idea to put the hoody and hat back on especially if it’s windy which of course you won’t know until it’s too late so just be careful and put the stuff back on. Don’t you hate that?

I wore this the whole time, don't worry.

Tough dilemma for your favorite blogger, folks. On the one hand, you’ve got a new episode of Gossip Girl. On the other, you’ve got my beloved Geeeeeeeeeeeeeee-men squaring off against the hated Dallas Cowboys on Monday Night Football. Fortunately, kickoff was around 8:30, and Elisha was victimized by two straight tipped-ball interceptions, so I didn’t feel too bad about watching GG and flipping back to the game during commercials. After all, you, my precious readers, haven’t had a Gossip Girl diary in a long time! And I love you people! Let’s get to it.

:00 Good thing the Giants started the game with two interceptions and are down 10–0. Makes me feel better about watching Gossip Girl instead.

:01 I feel like a lot of people like these Blair dream sequences, but I can’t stand them.

:02 God, Serena gets around. Who is this guy, just some dude that lives in her building?

Blair to Serena, the morning after: “Yesterday’s dress with today’s shame all over it.” Your dream sequences may be lame, but your lines are divine.

:04 Nate suggested breakfast at Tom’s. Does he mean Monk’s?

Haha! How could Juliet possibly get caught at the same prison as Nate’s dad? That seems like the exact type of thing she would never do, if she’s actually the Machiavellian schemer we’re to believe she is.

:05 Classic GG. The last guy Serena sleeps with turns out to be her new professor. It was either that, or he would have been Lily’s new business partner, or Rufus’s manager. I should have known, right?

:10 Jenny to Blair: “I’m not looking to destabilize your social order.” Of course you are, Jenny! And you might fool some people with this contrite, humble façade, but I know better. You’re the worst.

:12 What are the odds that Jenny and Juliet eliminate each other’s maps for keeps? Is that too much to ask?

Blair to Serena, upon learning that Serena is sleeping with her new professor: “Cab guy? What are the odds?” One could do worse than have Blair Waldorf as an audience stand-in.

:14 B’s minion: Nothing could be more fun than bottle blonde recon. Are Blair’s writers feeding lines to her flunkies?

:16 Chuck to Dan, after being asked to leave the Humphrey residence: “How can I argue with big brother. I’ll just take these blueprints Lily left for me, and let you get back to your Hemingway complex.” Swoon.

:25 I like Dan, but his fondness for Jenny is a huge character flaw.

:26 I can’t wait for Juliet’s love for Nate to lead to her undoing. Of course, that won’t happen. No, they’ll put her in a few moderately redeeming situations, and her brother will be cast in stark relief as the ultimate villain, and we’ll be forced to sympathize with Juliet. I CAN wait for that.

:28 I’m a big Tim Gunn guy.

:30 Chuck to Dan, wrt Dan’s murder-suicide suggestion: “So dramatic. You should be a writer.” Best character on TV!

:33 So, how about that local sports breasts?

:35 How come Lily never asks “Serena, how come you always dress like a whore?”

Or “Why are you such a disappointment to me?”

B to Penelope: “This isn’t Congress. Accomplish something!” A seemingly timely but secretly evergreen topical joke!

:37 Tim Gunn, offering a second interview! What a guy!

:38 Prison Ben to Juliet, after jacking up the Captain: “Did you get my message?” This guy is wicked badass. Like, how did he send a text message from prison?

:46 Dan is right about Blair being right! Jenny should go back to Hudson!

Lily to Serena: “I know you would move back to classes more your speed eventually.” A shame this is just a reverse psychology scheme, and not lily actually calling her daughter out for being a wayward tart.

The Captain got beat with a dictionary. That’s kinda funny.

:49 Good thing I missed that long Dez Bryant punt return for a touchdown.

:54 Serena is putting off a relationship with the guy she just slept with in order to impress her mother? Way to take one for the team.

:55 Chuck to Blair, on a possible détente: “If we keep going, we’ll both wind up dead. And I like myself too much to let that happen.”

Nice to see Chuck and Blair recognizing that they probably broke up for completely wacky and improbable reasons.

:57 No no no no. There will be NO sympathy for Juliet. I don’t care how much she cries!

:59 Um, what the hell is going on with this show?!

Witness this recent offering from Domino’s.

This is part of the ad campaign where real Domino’s customers talk about how awful the pizza is, and then Domino’s make a big deal about changing their recipes and whatnot. I actually like these ads. I think it’s a bold strategy, and I think it’s a little refreshing to have some candor when it comes to the products that are advertised to us every day. And the new pizza is alright.

But this one is reeeeeeally stretching my suspension of disbelief. I mean, are we meant to believe that Domino’s was conducting a focus group in the middle of a field on a dairy farm in Wisconsin? If we’re to believe that, then the sense of surprise and incredulity we see conveyed on the faces of the focus group members has to be staged. Sure, nobody expects the walls of the room they’re sitting in to suddenly move aside, exposing those inside to whatever elements are outside said room. But when you walk up to a fake room trailer in the middle of a field at a dairy farm, I feel like you’re prepared for some type of shenanigan.

There’s another possibility, though. That these folks started off in a regular building, or a regular-looking building, where one would expect pizza focus groups to take place, and then were transported whatever distance to the field at the dairy farm. This is even more problematic than the first possibility. The type of person that can walk into a room, go through a focus group, get towed (or airlifted) to the middle of a field at a dairy farm, and not sense that something is amiss and walk out or at least demand some answers about why the whole damn room is moving, well, I don’t think I can trust pizza-eating feedback from that type of person.

In short, what the hell is going on in this commercial?

You're going to have to believe me when I tell you that this photograph is not staged.

So after coming home to my empty apartment, I pulled the cork out of a one-third-full bottle of wine, (which I planned to drink fringe-style, without a glass) and tossed said cork onto the counter, where it proceeded to bounce once and land right in an empty glass votive candle holder that I had recently washed so I could put it in an autumn seasonal decoration on my shelf, prompting me to think, if only for a split second, “Should I make a game out of bouncing this cork, seeing how many times in a row I can make it into the votive candle holder?”

I’ve got another busy week ahead of me, so in order to make some progress on the second installment of Shelved, I’m going to eschew the Gossip Girl diary tonight. I know, I know. What’s the point of coming to this stupid blog for jerks if there’s not going to be a GG diary? I don’t know the answer to that question, treasured readers! I’m sure you’ll find it in your hearts to forgive me. In the meantime, I forget if I’ve shown this to you all. It’s actually not that important, since if I had my druthers, I’d post it every day. Here you go: my favorite thing on the Internet.

Just wanted to let you know, precious readers, that I’ll be in sunny Bayonne, New Jersey, for the next few days for my brother’s wedding festivities. Consequently, the blogging sched might be a little light until next week. (Can you tell I’m dragging this Shelved thing out as long as possible?) In the meantime, though, here’s some Zelda warriors to keep you warm until I return.

# The Morning News on geoengineering. The upshot? We’re doomed.

# Here’s another arbitrary list, this one of the 100 Best First Lines from Novels. Take it for what it is, understanding that “Call me Ishmael” benefits from the same self-fulfilling cycle that makes “Stairway to Heaven” the most requested song on the radio. Stairway is touted as the most requested, so people request it. “Call me Ismael” leads these lists, because that’s what’s done. My own myopic opinion: 1984, Tristram Shandy, and The Stranger have better first lines. But oh well.

# If you want to understand DD&U, you’ll watch Baffler Meal.

I got my lunchbox packed, my boots tied tight. I hope I don’t get in a fight. Chuck is back, Serena and Blair are back, and the school year is about to start. That means we’re entering the nitty gritty of the GG season. On with the diary!

:00 Can’t believe I missed that “I’m Chuck Bass” last week. I’m surprised you people are still even reading this crummy blog.

:01 Blair said “pleebeians.” That’s kinda funny.

Eric VD Dub is back! What a breath of fresh air. I love that kid.

:03 I’m sure there are frats at Columbia, but do they have houses? I know I have some readers that “went” to Columbia. Speak up in comments.

:04 I’m not gonna be able to continue blogging if little Milo is going to be wearing that wicked presh little bear hat.

Soooo . . . Chuck was able to explain all of his secret double life away so persuasively that Eva not only didn’t toss him out like a parking ticket, but she followed him to America? You know what, I believe it!

:08 Dan, on raising a kid that isn’t his: “I just can’t believe this. Why would Georgina do this?” Oh, Dan. Thank god you’re so pretty.

Gossip Girl on Georgina: “If she’s flown the coop, who’s cleaning up her baby’s poop? Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun don’t need to be told twice that this is My Favorite Line of the Season So Far!

:13 You see how Serena’s hair is sort of nappy and dingy? Timmy likey.

:16 Is Juliet working for Trip’s wife or something? I should have thought of that last week, but I didn’t.

:18 Ugh. Hamilton House actually hangs out on steps? That is sooooo high school. And was that a green screen behind them? That’s pretty lame, no?

:24 Nate to Juliet: “I haven’t had to try this hard before. It’s refreshing.” Ha!

B to S: “This isn’t a conspiracy.” I have a feeling you’re going to be refuted very shortly, Blair.

:26 There it is.

:27 Chuck on Blair: “She wouldn’t waste a breath hurling insults if she didn’t think they’d land.” Christ, what a smooth talker he is.

:29 Hmm. I guess we all collectively forgot Chuck’s rapey ways from Season 1. That’s really a blight on his application for Best Character on Television.

:35 V on raising a kid: “If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it . . .” Great reference, but wasn’t Steve Gutenberg in that movie? From the other side of the couch, ORODDU: “No love for the Gute!”

Nice dress, Serena, with the little boob TV screen.

:39 Ok, so that little Blair-Serena fight tableau was a little hard to believe, but it’s hardness to believe is what made it such a great reveal! Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know that I’m always interested in seeing noobs get pwned. See you in hell, Juliet!

:43 What IS One Tree Hill? There’s fucking ghosts?

:44 Dan is talking to Milo, and hears a knock on the door. My other roommate: “I bet it’s not who you think it is.”

:44.5 Hello, Georgina. He gets it!

:46 Nate is right. Serena did act pretty horribly and then just waltz back in like it’s no big deal.

:47 Piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining, Georgina. This whole story is gobbledygook! Dan should rat her out to the Russians!

:48 Dan! You can’t let this evil woman take Milo!

:49 See what they did there? Like, the last episode ended with “I’m Chuck Bass.” And this one ended with “Who the hell are you, Chuck Bass?” That’s some literary stuff there, precious readers.

:55 Dan, on Rufus’s advice: “He thinks I should throw myself into more traditional college pastimes like Noam Chomsky and beer pong.” Get it? Because Dan is a young liberal idealist!

Isn’t it weird that Serena is a freshman and everyone else is a sophomore? What’s gonna happen in three years?

:57 I was convinced they were going to show Eva unpacking her luggage, and she was going to like, pull out a gun or something.

:58 This sound problem is REALLY grinding my gears. I couldn’t hear ANY of that last scene! I try not to read too many recaps, but I’m going to have to. Who was that guy? And should I be ashamed that I don’t know right off the top of my head?