Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

We live in uncertain times. Our leaders have divided themselves into dueling factions whose common enemy seems not to be one another, but rather the well-being of a populace that was duped enough by their snake-oil salesmanship and duplicitous doublespeak to cast a ballot, naively projecting their own aspirations and dreams onto the feeble promises of “change” or “a return to values” that the politicians managed to keep a straight face long enough to utter convincingly at a campaign stop. Our heroes can’t seem to keep a grip on the tenuous reins of admiration and esteem long enough to establish themselves as positive role models for our young people before they’re dashed against the same jagged reef of hubris that has been laying heroes low since the days of Greek tragedy. Any functionally thinking human with eyes to see cannot help but be embraced by a deeply penetrating sense of melancholy, remarkable not for its intensity but rather for its consistently gnawing chill of despair, which becomes the most distinguishable characteristic of a series of days and weeks that are made otherwise numb and seemingly pointless. There is, though, one thing we can cling to, one pillar of support and certainty from which, with the grace of whatever deity still bothers to cast a glance over the dregs of what was once her most wondrous creation, we might be able to rebuild a sense of optimism and, as impossible as it may seem, hope: it will always, ALWAYS suck to bu.

So here’s the good news. Your Eagles of The Boston College won the 2011 Beanpot tournament, besting the Northeastern Huskies 7–6 in overtime. The bad news is, cheering on my beloved Eagles prevented me from watching Gossip Girl for a second week in a row. But here’s the good news. I watched the ep on my Tivo and recorded my thoughts, because you’re my readers, and I love you. For your reference, I started the recording at 8:30, and didn’t fast forward through the commercials, so as to maintain the chronology of the show. Because that’s important!

:30 :30 = :00 here, folks.

Blair is wearing a blazer that prince would wear to a job interview.

:33 Ben isn’t fit to set pins in a bowling alley. But he’s gonna wind up getting a sweet job for plot purposes.

:35 I love when people have jobs on TV shows. If Character X can achieve Unthinkable Goal Y, then Promotion Z will be theirs!

:37 “The Bass name has equity. I plan to prove that all in one night.” See my note for minute 35.

Also, we’re supposed to note than Russell Thorpe called Chuck “Bart,” right?

:43 Serena has no idea that it’s actually like, difficult for ex-cons to get jobs. So Ben has to feel ashamed for “only” getting a part-time gig at a catering service. What an idiot. Both of them.

:44 “I was copied on a report I wasn’t supposed to see.” The Captain, recipient of this episode’s deus ex memorandum.

:48 “Obviously I don’t have time to read faux-ticles by wannabe writers.” What a jerk Blair is.

Also, Dan writes a first-person narrative about living with his ex girlfriend’s current boyfriend, and he thinks he can get it into Details? Because the Dan Humphrey brand is just so damn potent.

:54 Dan advises Eric to invite Jonathan to Chuck’s party. Because this is Gossip Girl, and everyone has to end up well-dressed at the same event.

:59 Is Lily going to finally get her comeuppance? You guys know how much I love comeuppance!

:03 All of Chuck’s money-making schemes are some iteration of “So I’m planning this bacchanalia…”

:07 I get in fights with my friends sometimes. But I can’t imagine trying to ruin their lives as many times as Blair and Serena have in this show’s tenure.

:09 What did Chuck think was going to happen here, getting rid of Lily? He’s 19 years old! Russell Thorpe eats 19-year-olds for breakfast.

:16 Yes! Dan and Blair are gonna do it! In Chuck’s love chamber!

:17 Or not. Whatevs. But does Raina need a primer on what a vile scoundrel Lily is? And how she’s not deserving of Chuck’s loyalty? I’ve got some GG DVDs she can watch if that’s the case.

:23 Blair to Serena: “Go have fun with your parolee.” Even when she’s being nice, Blair knows exactly how to put people in their place.

Oh, so now Dan’s piece is going to be in Vanity Fair. Fucking wonderful.

:26 Dan and Blair, watching a movie together but separately! Also, that camera angle makes Lonely Boy look like he’s jackin’ it.

:27 Can we get more of Eric’s foxy Meals on Wheels partner?

Hmm. So they’re turning Damien into an actual real bad guy. I can dig it.