Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

My roommate just closed the windows because it was too chilly in the living room. And then I sorta smelled that old, warm, familiar smell. The heat had turned on. Which means it’s that time of year, precious readers: the nights are getting cooler, and the first completely absurd subplot of the Gossip Girl season is starting to materialize. On with the diary!

:01 Oh fucking great. The C-Dub is doing that thing again, where the music soundtrack is way louder than the speaking soundtrack. So now I have the volume all jacked up just to get the faintest hint of dialogue. What gives!

Also, Serena, choosing between Dan and Nate is not like choosing between a napoleon and an éclair. You pick the éclair! And the éclair is Dan!

:03 My friend makes a good point. Chuck is writing the Empire checks himself? Can’t he hire like, a business manager? Isn’t that what bosses do?

“The life of Serena van der Woodsen is like the most complicated Jane Austen novel ever.” That’s the kind of talk that would tip off a non-idiot that this woman is up to something. Good thing for the plot that Nate is a moron.

:06 ZOMG! LOOK AT THE HAT LITTLE MILO IS WEARING! I JUST GOT DIABETES!

:08 Dan, w/r/t to Serena going to Columbia: “I’m just surprised she didn’t say anything to me about it.” Why does this surprise him? I know it would require different plots, but would it kill these characters to act like this isn’t still season 1, episode 1?

I feel like a broken record. Nate doesn’t even KNOW this “Juliet Sharp” woman, but he’s gonna let her drive a wedge between him and Dan? I hope the writers aren’t expecting us to think that “Juliet” is some master manipulator along the lines of Jack Bass or something. Look at who she’s dealing with!

:14 Serena: I went to the morgue today. Blair: What is that, a sex club? Pwned!

:16 Chuck’s blonde friend has been in something. Wait, wait, don’t tell me . . .

:17 Lily has a good point here. Dan has been over there in Brooklyn raising this child, while she and Rufus have been loafing about the UES. What a buncha peaches, eh?

:21 Hmm . . . Chuck’s, I mean Henry’s, friend has been in the Harry Potter movies? Shrug?

:26 I mean, it wouldn’t be HORRIBLE for Dan and V to get back together. But still! Not because of some scheme from some rando!

:28 Eew, did Dan and Vanessa do it with the baby in the next room? Is that what like, people with babies do?

:31 I know Blair leaving her Blackberry at the apartment, so she doesn’t have to deal with texts from Serena, is supposed to be a symbolic gesture, but of all the things that have happened in this episode, that was the thing that required the most tenacious suspension of belief. How can you not have your phone on you! My phone is only a room and a half away, and I’m kinda getting the willies with it being that far from me.

:34 Did you see this Accuvue commercial? With the girl who’s trying to work up the courage to ask out a cute boy? And the whole point of the commercial is that she has to get rid of her glasses in order to do it? This is an attitude that must be fought! Enough of this “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” garbage. Wear your glasses, ladies! Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun promises to make a pass at you

:37 Nate: “Oh man, my web of deception blew up in my face again. Well, lesson learned. I’ll never stab my friends in the back ever again!” What, he didn’t say that when Dan discovered the text from Serena he never saw because Nate was snooping around? My bad.

:43 This is the life, eh? Drinking some cold brew dogs on the roof while your stepmom takes care of your bastard child.

:45 Has Serena really been wearing this absurd sparkle jacket the entire episode?

:47 I haven’t really thought about it, but they would never take Chuck away from us, right? Like, this isn’t even an option?

:48 Chuck: Your world would be easier if I didn’t come back. B: That’s true. But it wouldn’t be my world without you in it. Hold on. I got a piece of dust in my eye. Both eyes.

:54 You know, watching Serena see all of these people, and the baby, show up in Rufus’s living room really drives home how absurd this series of plots has been.

:56 The closest thing Rufus has to medical training is Lincoln Hawk getting a song on Chicago Hope! The 90s!

:57 Ok, guys, who is “Juliet” working for? Georgina? Poppy Lifton? Jack?

There’s a chill in the air. You leave work, and the sun is more or less down. Any day now, you’ll look out the window and see a skosh of orange on those green leaves. The summer, sad to say, is over, dearest reader. New Englanders are preparing to hunker down for another long, cold, lonely winter, unboxing their gloves and down coats. And yet, in a way, life is just blossoming back to, well, life. You know what I’m talking about. Gossip Girl is back. And consequently, the Gossip Girl running diary is back. Did you miss it? Actually, don’t answer. I already know what you’re going to say.

In the interest of helping you all out a little, I’m going to do my best to make the time stamps match up to where events happen in the show, instead of whatever time it is when I happen to write something down. And maybe I’ll try to add in a little more context so these things have a little more shelf life than the 18 hours after any given GG ep. We’ll see how that goes.

When last we left our protagonists, an exasperated and depressed Blair dragged her taller, prettier, more statuesque friend with her to Paris to suck up all the male attention; the hated Georgina Sparks showed up at Dan’s door, ostensibly with his love child in tow; and Chuck lay bleeding to death in a dark alley.

:00 zomgg
:02 Seriously, how does Gossip Girl have correspondents in Paris? Is Blair feeding her information?
:03 “The only guy that’s been in my pants is the tailor at [inaudible].” I missed you desperately, Blair. I’m also extremely disappointed that your first slam-dunk line of the season was ruined by the fact that the speaking soundtrack is being drowned out by the music soundtrack on my TV. And sorry, treasured readers, but there are two Monday Night Football games on, so I can’t go back to the DVR.
:04 Also, let’s talk about Serena’s tin foil cargo net dress. What is that thing?
:06 That package is a course catalogue? If Serena actually goes through with going to Brown, I’ll eat my hat.
:07 If Chuck is really not paying the mortgage on the Empire, and it’s really going to go into foreclosure, why wouldn’t Lily just use some of her billions to keep him afloat until he resurfaces?
:08 Oh, Serena got into Columbia. That envelope she got in the mail must have been filled with deus ex machina. Good thing I didn’t start marinating that hat . . .
:09 It’s like the Gossip Girl writers have set up quarters in my head. “Timmy loves Gossip Girl so much, but how can we make him love it more? How about a baby?” I’ll tell you, readers, I don’t even care that it’s Georgina’s spawn. I love that baby!

:14 If Nate had his bangs down, he would be completely able to pick up a girl in Norma’s after ditching some floozy right in front of her face. He’s like Samson, with a comb.
:17 This Paris shopping montage is some SERIOUSLY obnoxious product placement.
:18 serena: “Before I lose you to another shoe coma, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” That was pretty clever, S!
:19 Vanessa to Dan: “Do not mention her Georgina. Hahaha!
:20 V: “We’re talking about Georgina Sparks! Her hair lies!” Someone came back from the summer with a sassmouth!
:21 I’m clearly rusty after a whole summer of not watching GG. That driver/prince double-date switchola actually caught me off guard! B: “Oh, I’ve never sat up here before.”

:27 Eleanor, wrt Lily’s nametag reading “Bass”: “I was afraid no one would know who she is!” Eleanor Waldorf, stirring up class resentment!
:29 Ok, ok, ok, here we go: This driver-asking-Blair-out thing is like, some kind of prince and the pauper situation. Where the driver actually IS the prince, but he wants to test Blair to see if she’s unshallow enough to be interested in a lowly chauffer. Watch.
:32 I’m confused. Is Dan’s web of deception coming back to bite him in the ass? That’s never the case.

:37 Georgina to Lily: “I wasn’t expecting this introduction either.” Yes you were! You orchestrated it! Also, we’ve heard Georgina’s “I’ve changed, I’m not a pathological liar anymore” shtick a half a dozen times already. It’s one of Gossip Girl’s most enduring tropes!
:39 Let me get this straight. Blair wants to be on her own, outside of Serena’s shadow, but the year she actually spent out of Serena’s shadow was the worst year of her life?

:44 I’m calling bullshit. This baby plotline is beyond a reasonable suspension of belief. “The dates match,” Dan goes? Dan, this is Georgina Sparks! The closest thing that television has to the platonic archetype of pure evil! She comes waltzing in with a couple of phony documents, and you’re going to let a calendar persuade you? You’re lucky you’re pretty, Dan Humphrey.
:48 Welp, precious readers, your favorite blogger thought he lost a step. But he’s just as sharp as ever! The old prince-posing-as-a-lackey deception! I saw it a mile away!

:55 Juliet Sharp, eh? That’s a pretty good fictional name.
:56 This nutty bulletin board only serves as a bitter reminder that I put a whole season into Flash Forward, only to see it cruelly cancelled. Also, what ARE you up to, Juliet sharp, if that is your real name?

Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun knows which side its bread is buttered on. You’re not here for the trenchant political commentary. You’re not here for the feeble displays of passive aggression. You’re here for Gossip Girl.

Regular readers of DD&U know that Gossip Girl is my favorite show on TV right now. It’s not even a contest. It’s the reason I’m able to make it through my weeks in the fall and winter. And considering how fortuitous the circumstances that led to me watching the show were, I thank my lucky stars that I have Gossip Girl in my life in the first place.

See, I knew that Gossip Girl was coming. I knew that it was from the creator of the OC. I knew there was an OC-shaped hole in my heart, but I had no idea if Gossip Girl would be able to fill it. I didn’t really have feelings about the show one way or the other.

My friend Meg and I were already fans of America’s Next Top Model, which was on Wednesdays on the CW. Even though I was committed to the show, I was sort of put off by Cycle 8, which saw Jaslene, who I thought looked like a garment bag filled with bones, win the contest. But like I said, I was committed, and when I commit to a show, I commit. I watched Cavemen, people. Every episode.

Cycle 9 premiered on September 19, 2007. I should have known the night was going my way, because I was introduced to my precious love, Heather, the prettiest girl to ever appear on ANTM, whose eventual ouster from that show led me to initiate a lifelong boycott. Because it might be true that when I watch a show, I commit to that show. But don’t ever cross me, or else I’ll move on to a show that rewards my loyalty more.

So that season premiere of ANTM ends, and we start seeing promos for this new show, Gossip Girl. I was at Meg’s place, and we were both a half a bottle of Chuck deep at that point, as was our weekly tradition. We decided, what the hell, let’s check this out.

The rest is history.

I wasn’t the only one watching Gossip Girl. The show immediately captivated Jessica Pressler and Chris Rovzar, writers for New York magazine’s Daily Intelligencer blog. Pressler and Rovzar are famous for their weekly Gossip Girl reality index, but I’d like to direct your attention to a New York mag cover story they wrote called “The Genius of Gossip Girl.” Read it, and you’ll begin to understand why I love this show so damn much. (I also stole the “Greatest Show of Our Time” moniker from them. It’s an homage!)

I’m a regular reader of the Daily Intel GG reality indices, in which the authors go through every episode, adding and subtracting points from based on how authentically “New York” it is. A clever gimmick! I wish I had the cleverness or the capability to go through with something like that myself. But alas, I had to steal a bit from Bill Simmons (who stole it from, I dunno, Norm Chad?), and do the whole running diary thing. I think this is the first one, although I forget if I did one on the old .mac site. Irregardless, it’s become one of my favorite parts of DD&U. Forces me to watch the show more critically, come up with the wittiest (one-way) repartee I can. I’ll be honest with you, precious readers: the diaries aren’t a service to you. They’re a service to Gossip Girl watchers. If my dear readers and Gossip Girl watchers are one and the same, then great! If not, they should be! Just start watching, and you can stop skipping the weekly diaries.

For those of you interested in a little inside baseball w/r/t your favorite blog, Gossip Girl is responsible for the most random hits to Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun. Since July 15, 2009, when I started tracking statistics using Google Analytics, a search for “omgbse”, or some iteration thereof, has been responsible for at least 186 unique visits to dangerousdirtyunfun.com. (I’m not counting the sundry versions of a search for “dangerous dirty unfun,” because those are, obviously, obvious.) “Omgbse,” of course, is something one of Blair’s minions uttered in a Season 3 episode, which is translated “Oh my god, best sleepover ever.” (You’ll also recall the clarifying update post I wrote.) Thing is, it’s the middle of June, and the top search term sending people to Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun is STILL “omgbse.” So either there are a ton of people still watching old Gossip Girl eps and wondering what the hell is going on, or there are a ton of vegans who are just shocked at the idea of bovine spongiform encephalopathy. Either way, if you’re shopping for your favorite blogger, this wouldn’t be a bad choice.

Welp, treasured readers, this is it. The last Gossip Girl running diary of the season. All of our lives are about to lose just a little bit of substance. I hope all of you have planned ahead accordingly. Personally, I’m hoping a combination of beer, cornhole, and comic books holds me over until Providence hands down a fresh season of GG. As usual, disregard the timestamps.

10:10 Remember how all the action happened last week? What’s supposed to happen in this ep? Also, remember when Serena decided not to go to college? And had that affair with Trip? Also, what a badass Eric has turned into.

10:11 Thanks for “listening” to me last night, Jenny says. Is that what they call it these days?

10:13 Do maids actually wear maid outfits like Dorota does?

“I defriend Meester Chuck on facebook and in life.” What am I gonna do all summer without Dorota. She’s a shining beacon

10:15 Is it too much to ask for a Superman v. Doomsday–esque last stand between Jenny and Georgina? I know. It is too much to ask.

So what we’re witnessing here is Jenny screwing her brother’s relationship with her own friend strictly to get vengeance against her half-sister. Is she not history’s greatest monster? She makes the mad Titan Thanos look like Moon Boy. Miles, I hope you’re reading.

10:19 Is that my Lincoln Hawk t-shirt Serena was wearing, Rufus asks. Shouldn’t Rufus have like, a thousand such t-shirts? Like how Homer had all that Be-Sharps memorabilia.

10:21 This is so typical, Nate keeping a straight face and being pissed at Serena for falling asleep talking to an old flame. Guys do this, ladies!

10:25 Hey, remember Rufus’s ex wife? Also, I’m swearing to you right now, precious readers, that whatever reformation Jenny undergoes, when she comes back on the show, this blog will still shun her. Don’t ever cross DD&U. Let that be a lesson.

What the HELL is Serena wearing to Dorota’s baby’s birth?

10:27 Dan DOES know that Nate is right. He loves Serena! Theirs is a love that transcends reality.

10:30 Remember when Chuck tried to date rape Jenny in season 1? Let’s see how this plays out.

“I don’t play video games, so if you want to hang out with me, you do what I do,” Chuck says. My new number 2 ambition in life is to be able to credibly use a line like that. Not in like, a creepy Chuck Bass way. Just, you know, credibly.

“The hard way is the only way,” Chuck goes. He’s the closest thing we’ve got to Plato, guys.

The ORODD&U echoes my own thoughts w/r/t Blair: just take a picture with the peonies, send it to Chuck, and explain that you were sidetracked by effing Dorota giving birth. His little Empire State Building stunt is just that, a stunt. It’s not a contract signed in Christ’s own blood.

10:33 Dan, calling out Serena’s daddy issues. Very astute!

Seriously, I would like Serena’s outfit to be addressed by someone at some point.

Ignorance is bliss. “Is that why it was so easy with us,” Serena asks. No, S. it’s because you and Dan were made for each other. Someone listen to me!

10:39 Yes, J. Everyone hates you. Your tears are futile against me. And I’m not swayed by the fact that you probably put more makeup on only to cry it off.

“It’s not breaking up, it’s taking a break,” S goes. Girls say things like this! Don’t deny it!

10:42 So what did Jenny tell Dan to compel him to slug Chuck? Because can Dan really get THAT pissed if he found out that Chuck and his sister just had consensual sex? We all agree that there’s some sort of deception here, right? (Also, the ORODD&U and the GFOTORODD&U were both convinced that j had stolen the engagement ring. Great theory!) Also, one thing that prevents Dan from ascending into the Seth Cohen Echelon of beloved TV characters, is that he’s forced to do things like stick up for Jenny. It’s not his fault, but it is a tragic flaw.

10:44 “Hey, who’s hungry,” Rufus goes as he walks in on the climactic scene of the season. Remind me to tell you guys about the Christmas tree story.

10:46 “I really am going to change,” S goes. What an idiot.

10:49 I’m actually really pleased with the fact that Nate and Lonely Boy are pals. They have like, a real dudes’ relationship.

Dan! Booking the flight to Paris! What a baller move!

10:50 This is most definitely not Dan’s kid. Don’t get sucked in, people!

10:52 Umm . . . what?

Two more eps of Gossip Girl left. That’s not a lot of time for Jenny’s map to be eliminated for keeps, Dr. VDW to be taken away in cuffs, and Dan and Serena to get back together (which, as regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know, is my primary reason for watching the show.) As usual, I’m watching an hour late, the time stamps mean nothing, and c.

10:07 Blair: I didn’t know they had groupies that old. Way to make light of a potentially marriage-ending sitch, B. Bonus: “Dorota’s family has Polish mob connections.” What Polish mob? Can you identify them by their fox-skin hats?

10:09 I like how Chuck has a Jack Bauer–esque network of illicit contacts. He’s a legitimate business owner!

10:11 Apparently, pharmacists don’t make enough to turn down bribes. I learn something from Chuck Bass every week

10:13 Oh boy. Rufus actually brought Holland down to the apartment. Nothing makes him a badass quite like the truth. Too bad he’s surrounded himself with a nest of vipers.

10:14 Holland: Rufus, you can’t expect me to lie to their faces. Rufus: You just did! Ha!

Serena on good guys: They all are, until they aren’t anymore. Does that mean that S knows that her dad is a scumbag? Of course it doesn’t. She’s a blithering moron.

10:17 The biggest disappointment in this whole story arc is how Eric has been bamboozled. He was the only remotely innocent one left on this show.

In my entire life, I don’t think I’ve taken matters into my own hands as many times as Nate has in three seasons of Gossip Girl.

10:20 Wait, what? Holland is the psychiatrist? The hell is going on here?

10:21 Ah, a plot to instigate the public outing of a villain. That always works on this show.

My bloodlust for Jenny’s death is soon to be outstripped by my intense desire to see egg all up in Serena’s grill. She’s so effing stupid it actually hurts to contemplate.

10:25 Seriously. Only Serena could make me feel sympathy for Little J. Why do you always let me down so bad, Serena!

Blair: Are you ready to make the fat lady sing?
Dan: I’ll settle for making the lying doctor lady confess.
Thanks for contributing to the repartee, Lonely Boy. Ugh. This guy got published in the New Yorker, and I’m stuck with this sucky blog? Where’s the justice!

Um, Jenny? Now would have been a good time to reveal your damning evidence. What is she trying to pull here? I guess she’s aware that there’s still another episode left, and a good amount of plot to string along?

10:30 Lily to Dr. VDW: It’s nice to be here with someone who doesn’t hate these sort of things. Is there anyone on this show that isn’t a simpering fool?

10:34 That was some good improvisation with Dr. Holland, especially for this crew.

Aaaaaaaaand Jenny is conspiring with Dr. VDW. Your redemption was short-lived, Lil J. And now for being taken in, I feel as foolish as Serena is going to inevitably feel.

10:36 How did I let so much time elapse without noticing how whorey Serena’s dress is? Am I slipping in my old age? It’s like something an alien hooker in a Godzilla movie would wear

10:38 Rufus showing up at the van der Woodsen apartment is the 27th dramatic confrontation of this episode. It’s a new record!

This limo scene with Blair, Chuck, and the gang reminds me of the wrap-up of an Encyclopedia Brown story. Speaking of old age . . .

10:41 Nate is the exact kind of guy who would keep a random cop acquaintance in his phone book.

And me, because I’m a sap, when I see scenes where Dan walks in on an emotionally distraught Serena, I think “Maybe they’ll get back together? Please?”

10:43 I know Dr. VDW is a mirthless scoundrel, but how can he talk to Serena and not double over with laughter at that stupid hat?

I’m sorry I didn’t believe you, Lily goes. Ha! Your entire life is predicated on not believing Rufus, Lily! Don’t you watch Gossip Girl?

Please, let Rufus pull out a gun and shoot his daughter right in the heart.

10:46 Eric! With the pwnage! Get Jenny the hell outta here. Consider yourself redeemed, young Van der Woodsen.

10:48 Do we want to talk about this rugby player’s sweater? No? Ok, good.

10:49 !

10:49.5 ! !

I was yelled at last week by a dear reader for not blogging about the best episode of the year. I’m here to rectify that! Starting a little late, which should hopefully allow me to blow through some commercials. It does, however, render the timestamps even more useless than usual. You’re not here for fidelity, though, right? You’re here for quick quips!

9:14 You know, the creators do all these like, mini webisodes and fashion tips and text messages and all sorts of other peripheral Gossip Girl content on the CW website. Would it kill them to put up some of Lonely Boy and V’s stories? I wanna know who really is the better writer. Or have they already done this and I just haven’t looked.

“I find the cause is the best cure,” Chuck goes. I heart him.

“We’re two artists in a relationship,” Dan goes. Hilarious! I’m an artist, too.

The topics that Dan and Vanessa can talk about are politics, Jersey Shore, and where they want to eat. Is it weird that I think I can scrounge a pretty meaningful relationship out of that?

9:17 Can we make sure that Rufus says “What is he doing here?” every time Dr. VDW enters the room? Thanks, GG writers. It makes my night.

9:19 It was pushing 80 today. This snow on the ground in B’s scene is taking me RIGHT out of the narrative.

9:20 Falafel: the kind of food paralegals eat. Take that, paralegals!

Ooh, ooh. The tension is still there between Serena and Lil J! I was so pissed when she didn’t get her comeuppance for trying to steal Nate. Hopefully there’s still time for her to get the eff pwned out of her before she leaves the show.

Fast forward!

9:23 Is that a wooden bowl of radishes in Rufus’s fridge? Huh?

Dan, please button your shirt.

Eric, once again proving that he’s the only one on this whole damn show that has his head screwed on straight. Dr. VDW is a fraud! Don’t let him in!

9:26 Arguing over clothes! Veiled accusations of whoredom! Serena versus Jenny! It’s true, Rufus. Jenny IS the problem!

9:27 Rufus is right. It IS awkward for a doctor to move into his patient’s building. Also, treasured readers who might also have a background in medicine: isn’t it wicked unethical for a guy to treat his ex-wife? That seems way beyond appropriate.

9:29 “I third person people, not you!” Good one, B. It’s true.

Fast forward!

9:31 Pablo Escobar to preppy pill-poppers! Serena, with the rare good line.

Dan, if Vanessa is giving up this internship for you, you need to be a better boyfriend…

Or, wait, why does it seem like this meeting with the woman from CNN is not going to work out for Dan? I’ve heard this song before. Stay tuned, readers.

9:35 Are we going to discover that this hairband girl has some sort of super hearing?

9:36 Yes. Super hearing. Is there any other explanation for how this girl was able to eavesdrop on a conversation, outdoors, fifty feet away in a crowded park? Matt Murdock would have trouble doing that!

9:38 Lily is right. Rufus is paranoid. But is he paranoid enough?

9:40 Chuck is secretly a good guy. I’ve always believed in him.

9:42 Wait, Dan didn’t know that his sister was dealing drugs? How far up his own ass does he have his own head?

9:43 Shorter Dr. VDW: “Serena, I don’t care about how much of a harlot you were. I just want to steal your mother from her husband.”

9:45 Hey, B randomly runs into an admission officer at this random gala. That little exchange is competing with the snow I referenced earlier.

9:47 Rufus, Eric is your only ally! Don’t make him think that Dr. VDW is a good guy!

9:48 Or maybe Chuck is an ally, too. I have to say, one and a half episodes is not long enough for a charade to unravel. The writers couldn’t drag this bad boy out a little more?

9:50 Looks like this doctor without borders could use some boundaries. Hehe. Being a connoisseur of wordplay, I’m always delighted when GG brings her A game.

9:53 Shorter Lily van der Woodsen: “My husband is trying to snake his way between us and just admitted it in front of a crowd of admirers. I think you need to sleep at the loft, Rufus.” Good job, Lily. I hope you have something special planned when Rufus is totally vindicated.

9:55 Uh oh. Jenny is doing research on cancer. I swear to God, if the writers find some way for her to be the one who brings Dr. VDW down, I am going to be SORELY disappointed. Don’t you people realize that we ALL lose if that happens? If Serena pulls the same credulous act she always does, Eric somehow gets taken in, Rufus gets dragged through the mud, and JENNY of all people is the one that saves the day? That would be horrible!

. . . but if I did, I wouldn’t be able to shut up about how DELIGHTED I am about the Detective Hunter Rush, I mean Dr. William Van Der Woodsen, era on Gossip Girl. Here’s an open letter to Billy Baldwin.

Dear Mr. Baldwin,

Don’t ever, ever stop using the “It’s going to be hard for her to reenter the pageant . . . without a face” voice. Thank you.

Sincerely,

Every Gossip Girl Fan

Do me a favor and re-read the title of this post one more time, and then think long and hard about whether you should continue. This is how strongly I feel about what an awful, hateful character Jenny Humphrey is. She’s always been annoying, with her power plays on the steps of the Met one minute, followed immediately by her falling into the clutches of Agnes and playing the damsel in distress. Her interminable rebellion/supplication cycle with her father. It always bordered on too much. But this most recent plot of hers to split up Nate and Serena is the last straw. My new favorite episode of Gossip Girl will be the one where Jenny’s map is eliminated for keeps.

As always, I watched this week’s ep on the ol’ DVR, so the timestamps are about as meaningless as a promise from Jenny Humphrey.

10:04 I’m still not sure I understood exactly what went down with Chuck and Blair. I feel like there was a Marathe-esque quadruple cross going on that I’m just not sharp enough to get.

“Good thing I own a bar downstairs.” Chuck may be loathsome, but he still gets the best lines.

10:10 Five minute break while I talked over the last two eps with my roommate. It makes a little more sense now!

10:12 Remember when Blair and Nate were together, and they were going to be together forever? That was back in the day when Serena and Dan were going to be together forever, and Chuck was trying to date-rape Jenny. Capricious youth!

10:16 This traditional wedding thing sounds like one of those gimmicks they make up for stories that need gimmicks. Like the charter review process in Old School, or something like that.

10:19 Wait, Serena said she was at breakfast with the Humphreys but she really wasn’t? Is she weaving a web of deception?

10:21 Oh man. It’s one thing for us to make fun of how vapid Nate is, but to see Chuck do it, hoo boy. Straight up pwnage.

Ugh, Jenny. What a goddamn snake. Eric knows it, too.

10:26 This game night thing is lame, but the eastern Europeans LOVE their balloons. Let me tell you a story. In grammar school, I was pals with this kid Igor who lived a few doors down. I’m pretty sure him and his folks were recent immigrants from Russia. So Igor invites me to his birthday party. Snacks, cake, soda, the whole nine. Then we start playing party games, one of which entails two combatants squaring off, each with a balloon tied to his ankle. The object of the game is to stomp the other guy’s balloon, while trying to guard your balloon from being stomped by him. My turn comes up, and I got squared off against the biggest bruiser in the whole damn house. We were like, nine years old, but I swear this kid was as big as Zangief. Not only that, but he was wearing big snow boots. It was spring! There hadn’t been snow on the ground for weeks! Suffice it to say, my balloon didn’t stand a chance. I was fearful for my toes the whole time.

Ha. They’re playing “I Got a Feeling” on the accordion. Nice touch.

10:29 Cyrus, with the great wedding gift! Such a big heart, so out of place on the Upper East Side.

Jenny: “I love Serena, but I know how she is.” No you don’t, and no you don’t!

10:30 Dear Nate,
As you know, everything is always exactly as it first appears. Confront Serena about the St. Regis post haste! You’ll find all your worst fears validated.
Xoxo,
All Gossip Girl viewers.

10:32 Some people get depressed and eat ice cream. Blair has the old “conversation with Dan Humphrey where she admits that she’s a rotten person and Dan reassures her that she’s actually pretty alright.” A Blair Waldorf classic!

10:36 Dear Rufus,
As you know, everything is always exactly as it first appears. Go ahead and leave an indignant message on Cece’s voicemail and confront her and Lily.
Xoxo,
All Gossip Girl viewers

Also, have we addressed on this page how dumb it is that Serena is embarrassed by her search for her dad? It’s way, way, way beyond a reasonable suspension of disbelief that this continues to be a plot point.

10:42 Dear Jenny,
We don’t need to write you a letter, because it doesn’t matter what you saw between Serena and Carter, you’ll twist it to your own devious ends. And also, you’re not fooling us with being so kind and friendly to Eric. You’re the worst character on tv.
Xoxo,
All Gossip Girl viewers

10:50 Serena! Jenny is a snake! Don’t trust her!

10:51 Noooooooooooo!

10:52 Ummm, wow? What the *#$&% is Lily up to here?!?!

Dangerous, Dirty, and Updated: Sweet mystery of life, at last I’ve found thee! So I don’t think they’ll actually be killing off Jenny’s character, but at least she won’t be bugging us as much next season. Sometimes, in this cruel and unforgiving world, providence shines on us. We’re lucky!

I can’t lie, precious reader. I was sort of disappointed in last week’s episode of Gossip Girl. But I feel it’s just a matter of getting momentum back, you know? This week contained its fair share of deception, meddling, and reversals of fortune. I think GG might be re-finding its stride! Let’s do this thing.

9:01 The DVD case is filled with drugs!

9:01.25 Ding ding ding!

9:02 “Since when do you cook,” Serena asks Nate. It’s effing waffles! And how convenient, there’s a bowl of homemade whipped cream in the fridge. Right next to the chocolate syrup and the honey.

9:07 Dan only admitted he loved Vanessa “as a friend.” I can’t remember the last time I said anything “as a friend.” I don’t even say things as a friend to my friends!

“Do you know a girl named Melissa,” Dan asks a rando in the hallway. I don’t go to NYU, but I can pretty much guarantee that not only was the girl Dan asked named Melissa, but her roommate was named Melissa too!

“I wanted to check a tweet,” Nate goes. What a simpleton. He lies like this guy.

9:10 The ambassador’s son is gonna sit here and suffer through a lecture from Lily? Why would he ever do that in a million years.

9:15 B should know Serena and Nate won’t respect Chuck’s intent not to hear his mother’s story.

9:16 Ah, a web of deception woven by Dan and Vanessa. Haven’t seen one of these in a while. I also love all the wacky ways this show tries to convey “college!” I don’t know if I have any NYU readers, and I’m not going to be so naïve as to ask “is it really like this?” But is it really like this?

9:18 “Jenny is not Serena.” Good line, Rufus!

9:25 Shen Serena said the Greeks know how to do comfort food, is it bad that I was thinking like, the 8th Street Diner?

Also, if I had a friend that meddled as much as Serena meddles, I think I would tell her to eff off.

9:27 “Friend is a pretty loose term right now.” Eh? Eh? Do I know Chuck, or do I know Chuck?

9:31 The Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, Unfun on Little J’s drug stunt: “What could possibly be the perceived upside of that?” The mind reels.

9:33 Oh, so Jenny’s not afraid? And she’s trying to prove that she can stand up to her dad? Which is why she dropped all the drugs. Maybe Jenny IS Serena.

9:35 V: “Don’t get all Dan Humphrey on me.” I wish he wouldn’t get all Dan Humprhey on all of us.

9:36 So Damian would slander his father, the ambassador, for Jenny? Is that what we’re watching here?

Or maybe the intervention stuff was all true. Whatever. Is this Damian really reliable?

I also paused it for a bit here. So the times might be off. Because I know you’re keeping track.

9:40ish “Chuck’s mom, do you know my Dad?” Good plan, Serena.

9:44 Yes! Secrets revealed!

9:45 Those secrets kind of sucked. I guess we should have known that if Chuck’s mom was actually going to be a dramatic part of this show, they would have hired a better actress.

9:49 Jenny is like the Lisa Simpson of Gossip Girl. A nice character, but the episodes that are about her are obnoxious. Hopefully she runs away and goes wherever Poppy Lifton is. And the cameras stop following her.

9:53 Speaking of Serena’s dad’s letter, when is it gonna rear its ugly head again?

“I want to be that person you can bring anything to, the good or the bad,” Nate goes. What a typical guy line. Except when I say it. I always mean it.

9:55 What a dramatic turn of events for Elizabeth Fisher. Who’d have thunk that paling around with a bunch of crazy kids would change her mind!

Of course Dan and Vanessa can still be friends and hook up at the same time. Sex never alters friendships.

9:58 Serena, with a little reverse psychology on her dad. Clever! What happens when she finds out that things are working out with chuck and his mom! She’ll really regret that phone call!

You may not have noticed, but the sun was shining this morning. It was warm. A sweet breeze was blowing. It was as if the spirit of life were refilling the empty, fragile vessels of our souls. That’s right. After a long hiatus, Gossip Girl is back. I’m just praying that my tears of joy don’t fall on my keyboard and cause computer problems.

Also, I watched this off the DVR, so the time stamps are pretty useless. The whole blog is pretty useless, actually.

10:25 Zomg! GG is back!

Isn’t B obligated to inform her best friend that Nate is, in fact, a lamewad?

So Damien is from the same boarding school that S went to because she was a giant whore. Is this the uh, School for Scoundrels or something?

10:29 Hi Damien. Got any drugs you need to be delivered?

10:30 I probably should have looked over my last recap so I can remember why Rufus is pissed at Lily. This has been a long hiatus!

Since when are jewelers like lawyers and priests? Client confidentiality? What the hell is that?

10:31 “My grandfather got sick of watching me text you” = “My grandfather got sick of me.” Also, Serena wants to take things slow with Nate. I feel like anything would be slower than like, doing it on the bar. So carry on.

10:33 Remember when Dan was desperately in love with Serena? And now he’s casually giving Nate advice about her. Good turnaround, Dan. What a disappointment you are.

10:35 This is absurd! Jenny is making drug jackets! What a rotten human!

Anna Karenina roleplaying. Even as an English major, I don’t really appreciate that one.

10:38 Oh, that’s right. Rufus is going to shack up with the woman from the co-op. There’s that little subplot. How could I have forgotten!

10:40 But Serena, you’re right. The last thing you want to do IS rush into something! Why do I know your life better than you?

10:41 “I thought you lived on the Upper East side with your wife.” Just when I think Dan is a useless drip, he goes and redeems himself with a killer line.

“This wasn’t a Parent Trap situation that you and jenny could swoop in on.” Rufus with the burn! Did they get like, the good writers to take on this scene?

10:44 I’d like to see Jenny try to outsmart the international drug dealer.

10:45 Is that the first time someone has mentioned that Blair’s social-climbing agenda isn’t the most important thing in the world? Seems like it.

1047 Do you think the outfit that jenny would have worn with the sweet tart jacket would have displayed her cleavage as amply as serena’s? probably not, right?

10:51 You’ve changed, Serena? So why are you wearing a jacket made of drugs? Eh?

10:52 “That whore may be my mother.” I keep forgetting that it was painfully apparent to all of us that Chuck’s mom was at Bart’s grave, but that the folks in the show would never assume that in a million years. Woops.

Whoa, the masquerade ball was two years ago? The sands of time are slipping through my fingers like so many . . . grains of sand.

10:55 I really liked Serena’s shoes.

Hey, good idea Rufus, talking to your wife about your problems.

10:59 So . . . is this woman lying? Is it bad that I can’t tell? She’s got to be lying, right?

Also, is there any reason why we should believe that Blair’s super powers of persuasion work on grownups?

11:03 Come ON, rufus. You’re acting like your kid!

11:06 that newborn in the locket looked JUST LIKE CHUCK!