Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

Will Lebron James spend the next three to five seasons delivering the multiple championships that we’ve all been assured he will someday win to Cleveland, ushering in a new golden age for the benighted former metropolis? Or will he flee, plunging clea bleak, post-apocalyptic nightmare future where unsold Travis Hafner bobbleheads are the only currency, and flames leaping from the Cuyahoga River are not a shameful sign of postindustrial decay, but rather a nostalgic reminder of the bright flame of hope that once burned in the heart of every Clevelander, before their Chosen One skipped town, their souls and innocence in tow? Tonight is the night we find out!

I’ve gone back and forth about Lebron’s um, decision to go through with “The Decision,” the hour-long program tonight where he’ll announce the team he’s chosen to sign a free agent contract with. On the one hand, it’s incredibly tacky. It’s always been one thing for ESPN and the rest of the national media to pick up this “Where will Lebron go” narrative and milk it for everything it’s worth over the past three years. But for the man himself to throw one final last tanker full of gasoline onto the flames with this self-indulgent bit of puffery? It’s unseemly, especially considering Lebron has yet to win a damn thing.

Then again, as you all know from my posts on guys like Manny Ramirez and Chad Ochocinco, I’m all about my athletes being entertainers. Sports are supposed to be fun and frivolous. They’re supposed to be spectacle. Is there a bigger spectacle than an hour-long, widely publicized, highly produced show dedicated to the type of announcement that Kevin Durant managed to make in less than 140 characters. As far as entertainment goes, Lebron can either make himself into a Rushmore-worthy mark of integrity and loyalty by sticking with Cleveland, or one of the biggest sports villains ever by stabbing his hometown team in the heart on the biggest stage imaginable. Either way, I’m writing a running diary of the thing. Here we go!

8:58 And Sportscenter is already reporting that “Sources indicate Lebron James will sign with the Heat.” I hope that doesn’t happen, or else ESPN will have ruined their whole surprise!

8:59 We’ll all be watching together, Linda Cohn just said. I feel like America is my whole family. Lebron James is bringing people together. Before he tears them bloodily apart.

9:01 Who is this voiceover guy, Zordon? Also, this bing logo in the “The Decision” chyron in the corner is pretty ill-placed.

9:02 Simmons touched on this earlier in the day, but I’ll reiterate: if Lebron, Bosh, and Wade are playing for the Heat, who else are they playing with? Hobos off the street? Guys that’ll play for mojitos?

9:03 Jon Barry just called Dwyane Wade the second-best player in the game. I think there should be a split screen of Kobe Bryant’s reactions to the bloviation that occurs in the next hour.

9:07 I swear to God, I almost bought that purple gingham shirt the other day. Of course, I don’t think Lebron is shopping at the Banana Republic factory store.

I’ve liked Joe Johnson ever since he made the Celtics look like they were playing pee-wee ball in the 2008 playoffs, but I don’t think he really deserved that contract.

9:10 I might be a homer, but I think what happened with the Celtics in 2008 was a fluky anomaly. Rondo and Perkins happened to coincidentally be effective players, and James Posey happened to be able to play clutch defense on everyone’s best player, and PJ Brown happened to be able to still walk. Lightning in a bottle!

9:11 Would it have killed ESPN to take the time to superimpose Lebron’s face onto some color unis? At least it would look dynamic and distract us for a second from what an effing farce this whole thing is. For a second.

Commercials = grabbing a beer. Great Divide Denver Pale Ale. Perhaps Lebron to the Nuggets?

9:15 Where would we be without “California Love”? ESPN would need to play the theme to The OC during All-Star promos, that’s where.

9:16 At 25, I wanted the option to earn jillions more dollars. I bet Lebron’s living room has air conditioning.

You know, I refuse to believe that Lebron would go through with this whole show if his operation was leaky enough that so many “sources” are sure he’s signing with the Heat. But I don’t know anything about anything.

9:20 Here’s a Facebook update from the Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun, a Cleveland native and Cavaliers fan:

ORODDU: really? this thing is sponsored by bing, the “decision engine” and “DecisionWater” (formerly known as VitaminWater)?? ridiculous

Ha!

9:22 I gotta tell you, I couldn’t care less what Lebron thinks about the process. We’ve all made tough decisions before. They suck! Get on with it!

9:23 Incidentally, I saw the giant sign that the Russian plutocrat owner of the Nets painted on the side of that building overlooking MSG the other day. It’s kinda hilarious.

9:25 I’m ashamed to say that I have a knot in my stomach. This could be the end of Cleveland, and the guillotine is dropping in slower than slow motion.

9:27 So it’s the Heat. Did you hear that crowd? Hoo boy.

9:29 “How do you explain this to the city of Cleveland?” Like this: see you in hell!

9:30 Will you still live in Akron? Ha! That’s a legitimate lol.

9:32 This is a time-stamped guarantee: if Pat Riley doesn’t walk downstairs at some point to coach Lebron James, I’ll eat my hat.

Look at all that Vitamin Water. It looks like backstage at a Gossip Girl fashion show.

9:36 Did you see that bartender in Cleveland? Holy smokes.

Mike Wilbon just congratulated Lebron for making his decision. I wish I was congratulated for doing things I’m supposed to do. “First of all, Timmy, congratulations for brushing your teeth this morning.”

9:39 I hope the fans will be respectful, but I don’t expect them to be. Interesting quote. I would change my mind about rooting against Lebron if he made a complete heel turn here. Drop the faux humbleness, mug for the camera more, show up to the arena in a black feather boa.

9:44 That’s right! Who knows how game 7 would have gone if Perkins didn’t go down!

One look at my Facebook news feed, and I’m already having a backlash against the Lebron backlash. I don’t want to hate on Lebron is hating on Lebron is already passe . . .

9:49 Was that litany of great teams a slap in the face of Mo Williams?

I kinda sorta don’t believe that they’re showing Lebron video of people burning his jersey. “How do you feel about that, Lebron?” Probably bad! Then again, nothing burns like an effigy . . .

9:51 I love this “to my real fans” stuff.

10:00 Alright, enough. Go Celtics.