Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

There’s a chill in the air. You leave work, and the sun is more or less down. Any day now, you’ll look out the window and see a skosh of orange on those green leaves. The summer, sad to say, is over, dearest reader. New Englanders are preparing to hunker down for another long, cold, lonely winter, unboxing their gloves and down coats. And yet, in a way, life is just blossoming back to, well, life. You know what I’m talking about. Gossip Girl is back. And consequently, the Gossip Girl running diary is back. Did you miss it? Actually, don’t answer. I already know what you’re going to say.

In the interest of helping you all out a little, I’m going to do my best to make the time stamps match up to where events happen in the show, instead of whatever time it is when I happen to write something down. And maybe I’ll try to add in a little more context so these things have a little more shelf life than the 18 hours after any given GG ep. We’ll see how that goes.

When last we left our protagonists, an exasperated and depressed Blair dragged her taller, prettier, more statuesque friend with her to Paris to suck up all the male attention; the hated Georgina Sparks showed up at Dan’s door, ostensibly with his love child in tow; and Chuck lay bleeding to death in a dark alley.

:00 zomgg
:02 Seriously, how does Gossip Girl have correspondents in Paris? Is Blair feeding her information?
:03 “The only guy that’s been in my pants is the tailor at [inaudible].” I missed you desperately, Blair. I’m also extremely disappointed that your first slam-dunk line of the season was ruined by the fact that the speaking soundtrack is being drowned out by the music soundtrack on my TV. And sorry, treasured readers, but there are two Monday Night Football games on, so I can’t go back to the DVR.
:04 Also, let’s talk about Serena’s tin foil cargo net dress. What is that thing?
:06 That package is a course catalogue? If Serena actually goes through with going to Brown, I’ll eat my hat.
:07 If Chuck is really not paying the mortgage on the Empire, and it’s really going to go into foreclosure, why wouldn’t Lily just use some of her billions to keep him afloat until he resurfaces?
:08 Oh, Serena got into Columbia. That envelope she got in the mail must have been filled with deus ex machina. Good thing I didn’t start marinating that hat . . .
:09 It’s like the Gossip Girl writers have set up quarters in my head. “Timmy loves Gossip Girl so much, but how can we make him love it more? How about a baby?” I’ll tell you, readers, I don’t even care that it’s Georgina’s spawn. I love that baby!

:14 If Nate had his bangs down, he would be completely able to pick up a girl in Norma’s after ditching some floozy right in front of her face. He’s like Samson, with a comb.
:17 This Paris shopping montage is some SERIOUSLY obnoxious product placement.
:18 serena: “Before I lose you to another shoe coma, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” That was pretty clever, S!
:19 Vanessa to Dan: “Do not mention her Georgina. Hahaha!
:20 V: “We’re talking about Georgina Sparks! Her hair lies!” Someone came back from the summer with a sassmouth!
:21 I’m clearly rusty after a whole summer of not watching GG. That driver/prince double-date switchola actually caught me off guard! B: “Oh, I’ve never sat up here before.”

:27 Eleanor, wrt Lily’s nametag reading “Bass”: “I was afraid no one would know who she is!” Eleanor Waldorf, stirring up class resentment!
:29 Ok, ok, ok, here we go: This driver-asking-Blair-out thing is like, some kind of prince and the pauper situation. Where the driver actually IS the prince, but he wants to test Blair to see if she’s unshallow enough to be interested in a lowly chauffer. Watch.
:32 I’m confused. Is Dan’s web of deception coming back to bite him in the ass? That’s never the case.

:37 Georgina to Lily: “I wasn’t expecting this introduction either.” Yes you were! You orchestrated it! Also, we’ve heard Georgina’s “I’ve changed, I’m not a pathological liar anymore” shtick a half a dozen times already. It’s one of Gossip Girl’s most enduring tropes!
:39 Let me get this straight. Blair wants to be on her own, outside of Serena’s shadow, but the year she actually spent out of Serena’s shadow was the worst year of her life?

:44 I’m calling bullshit. This baby plotline is beyond a reasonable suspension of belief. “The dates match,” Dan goes? Dan, this is Georgina Sparks! The closest thing that television has to the platonic archetype of pure evil! She comes waltzing in with a couple of phony documents, and you’re going to let a calendar persuade you? You’re lucky you’re pretty, Dan Humphrey.
:48 Welp, precious readers, your favorite blogger thought he lost a step. But he’s just as sharp as ever! The old prince-posing-as-a-lackey deception! I saw it a mile away!

:55 Juliet Sharp, eh? That’s a pretty good fictional name.
:56 This nutty bulletin board only serves as a bitter reminder that I put a whole season into Flash Forward, only to see it cruelly cancelled. Also, what ARE you up to, Juliet sharp, if that is your real name?