Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

I was yelled at last week by a dear reader for not blogging about the best episode of the year. I’m here to rectify that! Starting a little late, which should hopefully allow me to blow through some commercials. It does, however, render the timestamps even more useless than usual. You’re not here for fidelity, though, right? You’re here for quick quips!

9:14 You know, the creators do all these like, mini webisodes and fashion tips and text messages and all sorts of other peripheral Gossip Girl content on the CW website. Would it kill them to put up some of Lonely Boy and V’s stories? I wanna know who really is the better writer. Or have they already done this and I just haven’t looked.

“I find the cause is the best cure,” Chuck goes. I heart him.

“We’re two artists in a relationship,” Dan goes. Hilarious! I’m an artist, too.

The topics that Dan and Vanessa can talk about are politics, Jersey Shore, and where they want to eat. Is it weird that I think I can scrounge a pretty meaningful relationship out of that?

9:17 Can we make sure that Rufus says “What is he doing here?” every time Dr. VDW enters the room? Thanks, GG writers. It makes my night.

9:19 It was pushing 80 today. This snow on the ground in B’s scene is taking me RIGHT out of the narrative.

9:20 Falafel: the kind of food paralegals eat. Take that, paralegals!

Ooh, ooh. The tension is still there between Serena and Lil J! I was so pissed when she didn’t get her comeuppance for trying to steal Nate. Hopefully there’s still time for her to get the eff pwned out of her before she leaves the show.

Fast forward!

9:23 Is that a wooden bowl of radishes in Rufus’s fridge? Huh?

Dan, please button your shirt.

Eric, once again proving that he’s the only one on this whole damn show that has his head screwed on straight. Dr. VDW is a fraud! Don’t let him in!

9:26 Arguing over clothes! Veiled accusations of whoredom! Serena versus Jenny! It’s true, Rufus. Jenny IS the problem!

9:27 Rufus is right. It IS awkward for a doctor to move into his patient’s building. Also, treasured readers who might also have a background in medicine: isn’t it wicked unethical for a guy to treat his ex-wife? That seems way beyond appropriate.

9:29 “I third person people, not you!” Good one, B. It’s true.

Fast forward!

9:31 Pablo Escobar to preppy pill-poppers! Serena, with the rare good line.

Dan, if Vanessa is giving up this internship for you, you need to be a better boyfriend…

Or, wait, why does it seem like this meeting with the woman from CNN is not going to work out for Dan? I’ve heard this song before. Stay tuned, readers.

9:35 Are we going to discover that this hairband girl has some sort of super hearing?

9:36 Yes. Super hearing. Is there any other explanation for how this girl was able to eavesdrop on a conversation, outdoors, fifty feet away in a crowded park? Matt Murdock would have trouble doing that!

9:38 Lily is right. Rufus is paranoid. But is he paranoid enough?

9:40 Chuck is secretly a good guy. I’ve always believed in him.

9:42 Wait, Dan didn’t know that his sister was dealing drugs? How far up his own ass does he have his own head?

9:43 Shorter Dr. VDW: “Serena, I don’t care about how much of a harlot you were. I just want to steal your mother from her husband.”

9:45 Hey, B randomly runs into an admission officer at this random gala. That little exchange is competing with the snow I referenced earlier.

9:47 Rufus, Eric is your only ally! Don’t make him think that Dr. VDW is a good guy!

9:48 Or maybe Chuck is an ally, too. I have to say, one and a half episodes is not long enough for a charade to unravel. The writers couldn’t drag this bad boy out a little more?

9:50 Looks like this doctor without borders could use some boundaries. Hehe. Being a connoisseur of wordplay, I’m always delighted when GG brings her A game.

9:53 Shorter Lily van der Woodsen: “My husband is trying to snake his way between us and just admitted it in front of a crowd of admirers. I think you need to sleep at the loft, Rufus.” Good job, Lily. I hope you have something special planned when Rufus is totally vindicated.

9:55 Uh oh. Jenny is doing research on cancer. I swear to God, if the writers find some way for her to be the one who brings Dr. VDW down, I am going to be SORELY disappointed. Don’t you people realize that we ALL lose if that happens? If Serena pulls the same credulous act she always does, Eric somehow gets taken in, Rufus gets dragged through the mud, and JENNY of all people is the one that saves the day? That would be horrible!