Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

What’s the score? Who hasn’t gotten together yet? Vanessa and Chuck? Eric and Nate? Jenny and an unceremonious offscreen goodbye? Oh, wait, those two did get together. Thank God. Anyway, for better or for worse, we’re waist-deep in the Blair and Dan era. Let’s see how it’s working out.

7:59 Hey yo, Bernie and Phyl’s has a Gossip Girl lead-in commercial! Makes me want to buy some furniture.

8:01 An episode and a half in, and I’m already sick of Blair and Dan. Actually, I was sick of them before it even happened.

8:03 There are reporters with decades of experience out of work, even in GG’s world. And yet Nate is the editor in chief of a publication. Where are the torches and pitchforks outside Spectator headquarters?

8:04 Remember when GG wanted to indulge in some inane princess fantasy, and had to contort itself into all manner of unnatural positions to accommodate the absurd plot, and then had Georgina somehow settle things off screen via some machination to be named later?

8:07 Lola: “Aiden is just a friend, and he’s not my type.” I was convinced that was going to be followed with “. . . because he’s gay.” But no, there’s got to be a straight, good-looking acting student foil to Nate.

8:14 Hey, Liz Hurley is hosting the party that Serena is modeling at, which means that Nate and Lola will have to be there, and probably Blair and Dan. I hope chuck shows up!

8:15 Lily chafing in the Brooklyn loft has been the most entertaining aspect of the show! Don’t go back to the UES yet!

8:18 Wait, why did Serena pull that alarm? I looked away for two seconds!

8:19 Nate is seriously the worst secret-keeper! He blabbed on his girlfriend not more than a week ago!

8:20 Oooooooh. I get it. Serena is trying to ruin Lola’s life by getting her on Gossip Girl. That’s what family is for!

8:22 Also, I know they’re still having Kristen Bell do Gossip Girl’s voice, which makes sense, since people don’t know that Serena is acting as GG. But WE know that Serena absolutely does not have the real Gossip Girl’s cutting wit and facility with puns. No one does!

8:27 Remember when Blair and Nate were together? And they’d been together for like, years and years before the show started? That always bothered me about Blair and Chuck’s romance.

8:30 Haha. Oh, Dan, you fool. No wonder these characters are always so cagey around each other. Every time they candidly open their mouths, they ruin something.

8:37 Shorter Lily: “Rufus, I only hid my deception from you because I knew you wouldn’t approve.” Then again, that’s Ivy’s bad for packing up and leaving the apartment before collecting the check. That’s the oldest trick there is!

8:41 A tutorial for the uninitiated: Serena is accusing Lola of using her to take out Diana, which makes her a hypocrite, since Serena is using Lola to be the new focus of Gossip Girl’s attention. The “one character accusing another character of doing the same thing s/he’s guilty of” is a trope used almost as often as the “ostentatious party that brings every character together in the second half of the episode.”

Also, when I say that it’s beyond a reasonable suspension of belief for Serena to write seamlessly in GG’s voice, it’s because she’s not clever enough to just keep her mouth shut when she walks in on Lola and Nate. How is she gonna rattle off three dozen killer puns a day?

8:53 Boo hoo, Serena is jealous of the attention Lola is getting. S could learn a lesson from lisa simpson: you can’t create a monster and then complain when she stomps on a few buildings.

8:56 Chuck is really concerned about this blood donation. He’s gonna find out it was Newman, watch.

8:58 You know, I was VERY skeptical of this “Serena as Gossip Girl” plotline. I should have known I could have trusted the writers to make it worthwhile! What happened to my implicit faith?

Winter is an unforgiving season, and New England is an unforgiving region. The only thing lower than temperature outside is our own spirits. The shortness of the days is a constant reminder of how precious little time we have here on this earth, and the nearly enveloping darkness that consumes the majority of the hours calls to mind the inevitable embrace of oblivion. A profound existential dread is not only understandable, but required to maintain even the most cursory semblance of sanity.

Ordinarily, to say that there is a light at the end of the tunnel would be the nonsensical ravings of either a dewy-eyed naif, or a lunatic mind. And yet here we are, in the depths of the most frigid of winters, somehow finding the strength to struggle on. From whence does this light shine? What is the source of our hope, however ethereal? It has emerged tonight. Gossip Girl is back.

:00 Is this for real? They had Blair miscarry over the winter break? That seems like a kind of cheap way to weasel out of Blair having a kid.

:04 Or maybe this is all a dream or a hallucination or something?

:05 The “Louis has a new reason to mistrust Blair” plot device is getting as tired as the “everyone jumps through flaming hoops to find a reason to trust Charlie” plot device.

:07 I know this will make me sound like a monster, but I’m feeling a bit of an Emma Stone backlash. What’s the big deal with her?

:12 “Jenny sends her love from London.” Ha! Hopefully that’s the last we hear from her for another season. Also, I completely forgot that Eric van der Woodsen hasn’t been on the show because he’s been tearing it up as Declan Porter on Revenge.

:14 Is that the real Vera Wang? Is there such a person? Am I supposed to know this?

:16 This hat Blair is wearing looks like an embroidered cookie.

We’re meant to believe that this secret Blair and Dan are keeping is that they’re doing it, but that’s clearly not the case. So what is it? Shmashmortion?

:22 Readers outside of the New England region might not know what I’m talking about, but everyone else, have you seen this Jordan’s commercial? Where the Jordan’s dude vacuums the old mattress, and all that dust and junk gets sucked up? Is it true that a mattress almost doubles in weight after eight years?

:24 Rule #1 of Gossip Girl: things are always exactly as they seem. Way to go, Chuck and Louis.

:28 One thing that always takes me out of a narrative is when two characters have a secret, but they never manage to explicitly say what that secret is in the course of their interactions. These are cheap, dirty tricks, GG writers.

:32 Hey look, it’s a party in the second half of the episode that brings all of the characters together.

:33 What a guy Louis is. How many times can two people endeavor to publicly humiliate one another before they realize that perhaps their union is less than sound.

:37 Dan and Blair have been going to a secret church? I’m sorry, but that secret is lamer than the crippled dude that Jesus cured at the pool of Bethesda.

:38 I dunno about you, Serena, but everything I know about Catholicism tells me that God wants people who don’t love each other to be together all the time.

:45 If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: Dan and Serena need to get back together! It’s the only relationship on this show that makes any damn sense!

:47 Louis is the prince of Monaco, not the prince of the ladies’ room. What gives him the right to shoo people out!

:48 Interesting. I was just watching the episode of the Simpsons where Bart and Homer almost convert to Catholicism. Those wacky Catholics!

:54 Serena assuming the mantle of the new Gossip Girl is a lot like X-51 assuming the mantle of the Watcher. Let me know in comments if you get that reference!

-10 for the writers not actually showing Lily and Rufus singing “Endless Love.” Can’t get enough of that tune!

:58 Hmmmmm . . . the real Charlie Rhodes goes to Julliard. Intriguing.

:59 If Nate thinks he stands a chance matching wits with Gossip Girl, well, I don’t know what to say. He doesn’t.

Contrary to my first observation down there, I’m starting to turn on Blair. I know they’ve made it so Louis is sort of a plotter and is distrustful of Blair, but I’m apt to believe that was more to elevate Chuck than anything else. Just leave Chuck alone, Blair! Cmon! Anyway, on with the diary.

:01 I can’t lie. I dig Blair’s bangs in this dream sequence.

:02 Dorota, on Chuck: “Apology doesn’t seem so fake to me.”
Blair: “That’s because English is your second language.”

:04 Possibly not unintentional comedy of the episode: Rufus to Dan: “People who still go to bookstores are real readers.”

Diana’s plot to unseat Gossip Girl raises some questions. Is Gossip Girl (the blog) monetized? Who’s advertising on this site? Much of the labor is crowdsourced, but does GG have any paid “reporters”? Has this been explored?

:08 Chuck, on his change of heart: “I like duck l’orange as much as the next person, but I didn’t think it was right to see the poor thing suffer.”

:09 Ha! Yes! Serena is going to get mixed up with Ivy’s ex-boyfriend. I’m getting the faintest whiff of comeuppance here!

:13 Of course Blair makes Chuck-related Venn diagrams with a protractor. Actually, scratch that. Of course Blair would have a protractor around in the first place.

:16 I love how Lily tries to compare Dan on a book tour to Rufus on a rock tour. Maybe they were going from town to town at the same pace, but I’m pretty sure Dan isn’t blasted out of his mind on Kappy’s brand whiskey and blow.

:24 Chuck: Maybe we’re maturing too fast.
Nate: Is that why you’re going back to Phantom of the Opera sex games?

:25 Serena, to Blair: “I think you’re too good scheme.” No, Serena, she is not.

:27 Oh hey, a party that brings all of Gossip Girl’s characters together at the end of the episode.

:31 This poor Max. He doesn’t strike me as terribly savvy. Does he have any idea what he’s in store for?

Dorota, on Blair sneaking out: “You think hiding pillows under covers fools me? You’re lumpier now!” Some welcome revenge for that English crack earlier!

:35 If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that you can always trust the gossip monger who would go as far as to steal the cell phones of a party-ful of Manhattan society types and who has no qualms about, quite frankly, ruining people’s lives. Good move, Nate.

:37 Oh, Blair. : (

For a performance where the rules are to remain masked at all times, there’s been a LOT of unmasking going on. And I know that all dopey boys look alike, but are Max and Nate wearing the exact same outfits? How could that slip past Ivy’s notice?

:45 Does Diana think Serena would be bothered by GG sending out a “womp womp, Serena is a loser” blast? All Serena has ever wanted was to be a loser!

:46 Fact checking Dan Humphrey: “My book Every book is a failure.”

:48 Max, instilling some rare backbone into this show.

So Ivy is being smited (smote?) by Diana, who is the season’s clear villain. But does that mean we’re supposed to feel sympathetic? Does it mean that my soul is a shriveled-up husk because I’m rooting for Ivy’s downfall?

:54 Hey, Dorota is getting in on the scheme game! Glad to see that Blair is just bad here, and is completely wrong about Chuck.

:56 Serena, to Ivy: “I’m not alone. I have you.” She’s a fake, Serena! A fake! Don’t get caught in her comeuppance!

:58 Eew. Dan texts “Call u later”? Gross.

:59 Hey, Massachusetts’s own Dom was one of the featured artists tonight. Good band!

When last we met, Dan’s book was causing problems for everybody, Blair and Louis were struggling to get on the same page, and Diana Payne was making ludicrous claims about her new website. In the interest of efficiency, I’m gonna go ahead and copy and paste this intro onto next week’s diary. Let’s do it!

7:58 I’m boycotting any brand that airs a Christmas commercial during a single digit date in November. That means you, Brigham’s ice cream.

8:02 I have some comments to make about Nate and Elizabeth Hurley doing it in the office all the time, but I’m withholding them in case my family or employers read this.

8:04 Hasn’t dream interpretation been discredited in terms of therapy? I need some of Dangerous Dirty & Unfun’s many psychology correspondents to check in here.

8:05 Dorota: “Queen Bee need last hurrah.”

And then

Blair, to Louis: “That’s why we’re a perfect match. You don’t have the scheme gene like I do.” Ha!

8:07 Giving Serena a blog! Do they give blogs to just ANYONE these days?

8:08 Blair, on her potential bridesmaids: “Even Pippa knew when to pipe down.”

Ooooooh. I LIKE this plot by Louis, paying off the psychiatrist. We need Chuck to be unleashed! But he should keep the dog. I like that lil guy.

8:10 Come on, Marshalls and TJ Maxx! Not you too, with a Christmas commercial!

8:12 Eliza Barnes: “Expressing your rage and anger are part of your healing process.” This woman is clearly speaking for the entire Gossip Girl audience.

8:15 Glee this up! Great idea! Of course Dan walks out of a meeting where someone seeks to inject the slightest bit of whimsy into his undoubtedly dour prose.

8:24 I’m disappointed they aren’t going to Glee up Dan’s book. I’m equally disappointed that they’re gonna Zuckerberg the eff out of it.

8:26 Hey, there’s a party that brings all of the cast together at the end of the episode. Wrap yourself in Gossip Girl’s tropes like a warm blanket.

8:29 Let’s just take for granted that Charlie can keep up her own fake identity while also engaging in all manner of subterfuge and secret plots. Meanwhile, I have a hard time remembering to pay my bills. Mmm, that’s some good suspension of disbelief.

What a loyal sidekick that dog is. He’s helping Chuck expose schemes!

8:38 Diana: “The Spectator is only going to print facts.” lol

GG: “Don’t worry B. You’re still marrying a prince . . . of fools.” Gossip Girl went on to add “Also, your face!”

8:45 I don’t think Louis trusts Blair.

Is it just me, or would I not mind a “hatchet job” if it meant that my bestselling novel got turned into a movie written by Aaron Sorkin.

8:47 There’s too many schemers and grifters this season. Serena and Diana and Charlie and Nate and Chuck and Blair. How are we supposed to keep up?

8:53 Serena to Diana: I know I owe you a favor for ruining my friend’s movie deal and getting me fired from my job.

The fundamental flaw behind Diana’s plan to bring down Gossip Girl is that Serena blogging about herself wouldn’t make GG irrelevant: she would just start printing gossip about high school socialites like she did in the first couple seasons. Is the NYSpectator going to employ every student at Constance Ballard as a blogger?

8:56 Sorry, Lana del Rey was distracting me from that emotional Blair and Chuck scene. “Video Games” would be a much better song if it were peppier and its vocals weren’t sung through a bowl of cool grits. I’m waiting for the upbeat punk rock cover. Still, <3 you bb!

Sorry for missing last week’s Gossip Girl diary, guys! I was actually off reporting on an assignment for my real job as a professional writer. I ended up watching it online, and I have to say, it’s for the best that you weren’t able to see my real-time thoughts, because they would have consisted mostly of “SWEET FANCY MOSES, HE’S A FICTION WRITER!” and “YOU PEOPLE ARE MORONS, DON’T YOU REMEMBER HOW CRAPPILY YOU’VE TREATED DAN, HE CAN’T HAVE WRITTEN ANYTHING THAT WASN’T ALREADY ON A GOSSIP GIRL BLAST!” and “CHRIST ON A BIKE, RUFUS, YOU ARE THE PLATONIC IDEAL OF AN IDIOT!” I mean, that felt good to type out, but it might not be the most entertaining blog post ever. Anyway, on with this week’s diary!

:00 I just want to say here, w.r.t. last week, that I don’t think Daniel Day Lewis, or his agents, or anyone, gives a flying fuck about the fictional portrayal of the behavior of a film producer’s assistant. Just a hunch based on nothing!

:02 Didn’t Elizabeth Hurley fire all her employees? When’d they come back?

My life, like Eleanor’s and Blair’s, is better when Cyrus is around.

:04 Rufus shuns his own son, but he’s living in the same house as this snake Ivy. I demand comeuppance!

:05 Dan, to Nate: “I’m sorry I made you half a person in my novel, but you’ve forgiven people for much worse.” Dan isn’t wrong here, but he’s taking the wrong strategy by ceding the rhetorical high ground to Nate. His answer should have been “IT’S FICTION, YOU ASSHOLE, THERE ARE CHARACTERS WHO ARE CONFLATED, IT’S HOW ART WORKS!”

:08 Again, when Serena says “how you portrayed me in your book,” Dan needs to say “You mean the fake character that was partially based on you?”

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun are familiar with the fact that I believe Dan and Serena’s love transcends reality, but I guess when the rubber hits the road, my loyalty lies with Lonely Boy. I can’t wait for this duplicitous contrition scheme to blow up in S’s face!

:14 Serena won’t be happy when Dan’s book gets optioned! Because she’s not really Dan’s friend!

So at what point does someone call in like, Poppy Lifton to help wreak revenge on Prince Louis’s trifling sister.

:19 This Daniel Day Lewis thing is really aggravating me! Serena’s boss if treating her like straight up trash, but if her past is so important that it could potentially sink lucrative movie deals, shouldn’t a prospective employer have done some perfunctory research? It’s all there on Gossip Girl! Point being, just fire the girl already so she can pal around with Blair.

:20 So Blair gets brushed off a couple times by Serena, and all of a sudden “everyone is moving on with their lives”? When did the people on this show become such babies? (Don’t answer that.)

:26 Nate: “You just have to show you’re more interested in what matters to the woman than you are in the woman’s . . .”
Chuck: “. . . matters.” Oh, you boys.

So, is Chuck going to convince this psychiatrist lady to skip her own Yom Kippur celebration to go to the Waldorf’s, hence getting everyone in the same room in traditional Gossip Girl fashion.

:29 F. Scott Fitzjackass! I dig it!

:38 All this royal family stuff is well and good, but am I the only one who thinks it would be more compelling if GG took place in a time where these things were decided by armies of guys with broadswords?

:44 Sophia is awful, but she’s not wrong about Blair. She can’t be trusted!

:45 Ugh, Nate. You’re gonna turn your back, and Ivy isn’t going to return those documents. Watch.

:46 We’re meant to believe that based on her quick (and accurate) diagnosis that this psychiatrist is supposed to be really good. But then we remember that Chuck Bass wears his psychological issues like a bright paisley ascot. Even a monkey could diagnose him!

:47 Dan: “It’s a novel. It’s inspired by a lot of things.” Finally! Also, this “love of my life” bullshit that Serena is bullshitting Dan with is like, totally nonsense.

GG: “That’s the thing about writing what you know. Pretty soon everyone else knows it too.” That’s cold, Gossip Girl. Cold, but fair!

:53 A constant stream of content, 24 hours a day? Good luck, Elizabeth Hurley!

:57 Can we please get Dan and Serena back together? I know I’ve been hard on the both of them, but if you give them another chance, I swear I’ll be better.

:58 How come, on TV, when someone burns something in their office wastebasket, the wastebasket is empty?

Gossip Girl is back, and isn’t pulling any punches! Blair: pregnant! Dan: involved in a convoluted transatlantic plot involving a surreptitiously published novel! Chuck: on a quest of self-destruction! Amazingly, Serena is in the most stable shape of anyone on the show, a trend that’s nearly guaranteed to not continue. But let’s find out!

:01 Ugh. This Foster the People song is fucking terrible. It’s the Jenny Humphrey of songs. Interesting, that Taylor Momsen hasn’t written the Jenny Humphrey of songs. Yet.

:02 Blair Cornelia Waldorf!

:03 See this outfit Chuck is wearing? The waistcoat without the blazer? I’m trying this out this weekend. I can pull it off, right?

Nate: “I can’t stop thinking about that woman from LA.”
Chuck: “It’s understandable, given your mother issues.”

So we’re to believe that Chuck Schumer and Lloyd Blankfein are fighting over Nate? Clueless en-bangsed dopes don’t grow on trees, I suppose.

:05 If I still had a DVR, of course I would pause the show and scan Dan’s bookcase. It’s probably pretentious to the point of making me want to throw my laptop out the window.

:08 Louis’s sister Beatrice clearly has a scheme. She’s a character on Gossip Girl, after all.

:10 Ugh. Tampa Bay is coming back: it’s 4–3 in favor of Texas in the bottom of the eighth, but Longoria is up with no outs and a man on first. If I weren’t so convinced the Yanks were going to lose to the Tigers, I would be frightened.

:14 I love watching Charlie squirm so much. That’s how you know the writers will find a way to make her a sympathetic character, so I’ll be made to feel like an asshole for delighting in her misery.

:15 Nate’s got a concierge doctor? Is that like a mob doctor?

:17 Beatrice kinda sounds like a female Jean Girard.

:19 Nate to the doctor: “You should see his medicine cabinet. Some of that stuff isn’t even legal in Mexico.” Way to go, Nate. I guess a concierge doctor IS like a mob doctor.

:20 Do you think Greg Maddux throws on a fake ‘stache and dresses up like his brother for Halloween? It would be uncanny!

:28 Charlie is passing bad checks! They’re gonna put her picture up at the realty office.

:30 Chuck: “If you want to fight we can strike a deal.”
Dan: “That would defeat the purpose of me making sure you don’t get hurt.” Oh snap! Maximum pwnage from Lonelyboy!

:32 What a great chart. Justin Verlander’s velocity goes up as the game goes on. Tremendous.

:34 Charlie: “We’ll be like Bonnie and Clyde.”
Her feckless boyfriend: “Without the killing and robbery and car chases.”

:35 I don’t have my finger on the pulse of eating disorder issues, but this bulimia/pregnancy sickness mistaken identity subplot is making me a little uncomfortable.

:37 Um, did Nate and Liz Hurley just do it in the foyer?

:38 So Serena didn’t actually find out what happened, right?

:39 Dan, on being in the bathroom with Blair. “I don’t know if our friendship can handle this.”
Blair: “Friendship is a tenuous term. Now be a gentleman and run the water.”

So Beatrice walks in on Blair as she admits her secret to Dan. I guess they’ve run out of ways for people to eavesdrop on one another and they’re going back to page one.

:43 Hey, the Yanks scored! This is a good sign.

:45 Two instances of someone walking in on the telling of a secret within minutes! Cmon, GG!

:47 We’re setting up a dramatic confrontation when the real Charlie shows up, right?

:48 Ha! Chuck’s safe word is “stop.”

Chuck to Dan, on his troubles: “I feel nothing. When I jump off a building, when I crash a motorcycle. Even you don’t irritate me.”

:49 Nate, you fool. You pretty, pretty fool. Giving up actual real-life opportunities in order to work at a company that doesn’t even exist for a woman whose name you learned only hours earlier! I wish this weren’t so believable!

:51 Hey, the Yanks scored another run!

:54 Charlie, please don’t drag this Max guy into your web of deceit. He’s too much of a sweetheart.

Oh. Good. You’re just going to dump him. Only on TV is “I wish I could explain better, but I can’t” an effective breakup line.

:55 Hey, duplicitous, vow-breaking priests! This is new territory for GG! I dig it.

:56 I was wondering how they were gonna get Serena back in New York. “Oh, my movie-producer boss isn’t actually working in LA, but she only just now told me. Isn’t that funny?”

:58 Not that I’ve got abortion pennants on my walls and a collection of abortion baseball cards, but would it be so hard for the possibility of Blair terminating her pregnancy to be something that’s actually explored on screen, and not dismissed in a few words?

The last episode before spring break! Will any of our unanswered questions get answered? Will Lily turn herself in? Will Russell Thorpe succeed in wresting Bass Industries from Chuck’s hands? Will there be an example of mistaken identity that strains what’s been portrayed as an unstrainable relationship? Come on guy, this is Gossip Girl. Of course that’s going to happen. On with the diary!

:01 This scene with the DA reminds me of that Chappelle’s Show sketch, about Tron Carter and justice.

:03 Dorota: “I have a sixth sense.”
Blair: “You have no sense.”

:05 Isn’t it funny that Nate just suggested going to Blondie’s to watch Villanova whoop ass on Notre Dame . . . and IRL, Notre Dame just slaughtered Villanova.

:08 Ooooooooh. Ben hasn’t told his mother, whose son’s life was ruined by Serena and her mother, about his and Serena’s love affair. Great! What does Serena expect, though? Telling mommy you’re shacking up with the girl that sent you to prison seems like an unnecessary hassle. It’s Serena. This relationship will be over in six episodes.

:12 Interesting. I never knew the hallway outside Rufus’s loft was so narrow. How about that?

:13 The ol’ jumpsuit in the dry cleaning gag. Who is Thorpe, the fucking Joker?

Dan, broaching the topic of B with Rufus: “I need to keep the details vague.”
Rufus: “The vaguer the better. It makes parenting more challenging.”

:15 I LOVE it that Dorota calls Dan “Lonely Boy.”

:16 We all saw that “lactose intolerant” bit coming 10,000 miles away.

:22 Whenever I see a commercial about split ends, I always wind up thinking that the woman’s hair doesn’t look that bad with the split ends. Does that make me a modern, enlightened male? Or just an idiot?

:26 Sending a preliminary text to Gossip Girl sounds like a successful idea, Blair.

:28 It’s not possible that Ben’s mother took the affidavit, right? I don’t remember if someone else has it!

:31 Look at the timestamp, precious readers. It’s the second half of the episode. Time for the party that gets all of our characters in the same place.

:34 Shorter Serena: Ben, be honest with me about the terrible things you did in prison while you thought I had ruined your life so I can hold them against you now.

:35 Ah-ha! Mrs. Sharpe is Thorpe’s pawn. I love it.

:38 Oh man, I thought Rena wasn’t going to pop out because she was busy smooching with Nate. That would have been great!

:44 Rena: “You’re smarter than you look, Archibald.”
Nate: “I get that a lot.”
Low-hanging fruit!

:47 Did I say this relationship would be over in six episodes? I meant a half an episode.

:49 Blair: “It’s been nice not being friends with you.”
Dan: “Let’s not do it again sometime.”
I dunno. I think we need this kind of banter on this show!

:53 Shorter Lily: My daughter smiles at me, so it’s cool to go to jail.

:57 Ugh. This isn’t really gonna happen, is it?

:58 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 . . .

:59 Oh come on! No new GG until April 18? That’s nonsense!

Intro shmintro, I say. Let’s get right down to it!

:00 Oh, I get it. Dan sees Ben as like, the older, better educated, hardened-by-time-in-the-clink version of himself. He’s jealous!

:03 Blair is addicted to workahol.

:04 Sorry, dearest readers. I was eating soup for dinner. It’s not good for paying attention and typing!

:05 Chuck: “Your Archibald charm can get me the opening I need.” I wouldn’t trust Nate to do my dishes, let alone carry out a scheme.

Have fun getting on the board of an opera, Blair. I’m sure you’re among the most qualified candidates.

:09 I see what Chuck and Lily are doing. They’re gonna use, uh, Russell Thorpe’s hubris against him. Sure. That’s how they beat the mad Titan, Thanos.

:13 Serena to Ben, after she concocted a harebrained scheme to thwart Damien’s drug deal: “I can’t believe you’re not taking the side of the woman that ruined your life.” Ok, she didn’t say exactly that. But her look said it at all!

:17 Blair: “Who doesn’t love czars and Cossacks?” This is an excellent question.

Dan, after Serena and Eric proposition Blair to help with their scheme: “I’m leaving. This is going from Woman on the Verge to Saw 2. I don’t like gore porn.” Ha!

:18 Oh, I see what’s gonna happen here. Rena is going to fall in love with Nate. Because of his charms!

:20 Three years ago, if you had told me, “Timmy, in three years, you’re going to be DELIGHTED by Dan and Blair’s thinly veiled flirtation,” I would have said, “Wait, I’m going to be live-blogging GG eps? That seems like a tremendous waste of time.

:27 Remember Rufus? Me neither.

:28 Yeah, lily knows exactly what’s going on with the Dodgers and the McCourts.

:30 Oh, we’re calling Eric “E” now. I can dig that. Although I vaguely remember being against that sort of thing in the past? Can someone check up on that?

:33 S: “Blair, what were you thinking?”
B: “That I would arrive at this party, and be greeted appropriately . . .” Ha!

:35 Oh, I see. Chuck is going to try to get Thorpe’s backer to switch sides, and then Damien is going to tell everyone that Lily is a criminal. I know this is true, because it’s the second half of the episode and everyone is at the same party.

Lily to Eric as he’s searching for his trust fund checkbook. “Do you realize how gauche it is to open gifts at a party before dessert?” This elicited a legitimate LOL.

:47 Yes, Vanessa, you’re an outsider. Finally, someone realizes that their actions have consequences on this show.

:49 “Friends are the fashion fundamentals.” Oh, Dan. What a sweetheart!

:51 Oooh. I LIKE Dark Ben. I wonder what his prison nickname was. The Professor? Doctor Doom? The Bard Behind Bars? Also, what the hell could Vanessa possibly do in this situation?

:56 Are Dan and Blair gonna make out?

:59 Hmm. I guess not. Also, I should have known that a real criminal like Damien wouldn’t be spooked by a milquetoast weenie like Ben. Duh!

So here’s the good news. Your Eagles of The Boston College won the 2011 Beanpot tournament, besting the Northeastern Huskies 7–6 in overtime. The bad news is, cheering on my beloved Eagles prevented me from watching Gossip Girl for a second week in a row. But here’s the good news. I watched the ep on my Tivo and recorded my thoughts, because you’re my readers, and I love you. For your reference, I started the recording at 8:30, and didn’t fast forward through the commercials, so as to maintain the chronology of the show. Because that’s important!

:30 :30 = :00 here, folks.

Blair is wearing a blazer that prince would wear to a job interview.

:33 Ben isn’t fit to set pins in a bowling alley. But he’s gonna wind up getting a sweet job for plot purposes.

:35 I love when people have jobs on TV shows. If Character X can achieve Unthinkable Goal Y, then Promotion Z will be theirs!

:37 “The Bass name has equity. I plan to prove that all in one night.” See my note for minute 35.

Also, we’re supposed to note than Russell Thorpe called Chuck “Bart,” right?

:43 Serena has no idea that it’s actually like, difficult for ex-cons to get jobs. So Ben has to feel ashamed for “only” getting a part-time gig at a catering service. What an idiot. Both of them.

:44 “I was copied on a report I wasn’t supposed to see.” The Captain, recipient of this episode’s deus ex memorandum.

:48 “Obviously I don’t have time to read faux-ticles by wannabe writers.” What a jerk Blair is.

Also, Dan writes a first-person narrative about living with his ex girlfriend’s current boyfriend, and he thinks he can get it into Details? Because the Dan Humphrey brand is just so damn potent.

:54 Dan advises Eric to invite Jonathan to Chuck’s party. Because this is Gossip Girl, and everyone has to end up well-dressed at the same event.

:59 Is Lily going to finally get her comeuppance? You guys know how much I love comeuppance!

:03 All of Chuck’s money-making schemes are some iteration of “So I’m planning this bacchanalia…”

:07 I get in fights with my friends sometimes. But I can’t imagine trying to ruin their lives as many times as Blair and Serena have in this show’s tenure.

:09 What did Chuck think was going to happen here, getting rid of Lily? He’s 19 years old! Russell Thorpe eats 19-year-olds for breakfast.

:16 Yes! Dan and Blair are gonna do it! In Chuck’s love chamber!

:17 Or not. Whatevs. But does Raina need a primer on what a vile scoundrel Lily is? And how she’s not deserving of Chuck’s loyalty? I’ve got some GG DVDs she can watch if that’s the case.

:23 Blair to Serena: “Go have fun with your parolee.” Even when she’s being nice, Blair knows exactly how to put people in their place.

Oh, so now Dan’s piece is going to be in Vanity Fair. Fucking wonderful.

:26 Dan and Blair, watching a movie together but separately! Also, that camera angle makes Lonely Boy look like he’s jackin’ it.

:27 Can we get more of Eric’s foxy Meals on Wheels partner?

Hmm. So they’re turning Damien into an actual real bad guy. I can dig it.

You ever have one of those stretches when everything that everyone says, does, and thinks just irrationally irritates you? I’m in a funk, dearest readers! What’s a young, handsome, witty, talented writer to do? I don’t know. Maybe Gossip Girl can provide some answers!

:01 I like this sweater dress thing that Serena is wearing.

:02 Dan wants to be around writing, at a fashion magazine! Everyone knows people read those things for the ads. And the smelly perfume inserts.

It’s totally befitting a weenie like Ben to work at an organic farm in upstate New York. Good riddance. Remember, precious readers, he’s the one that let Juliet off the leash. He’s the Sal Maroni to Juliet’s Joker, and we all know what happened to “The Boss.”

S: “Ithaca is supposed to be . . . beautiful.” So was that the GG writers not going after the low hanging fruit, or them acknowledging that S is too dumb to say “gorgeous.”

:06 So wait, Serena is pissed off at Damien, but she let Juliet completely off the hook? This is nonsense!

:08 Blair Waldorf and Lyla Garrity in a movie. Hellooooooo, nurse.

:12 Eric and Damien. Hmmm. . .

:13 Dan, doing something special for the W blog. Finally, some perks for a writer!

Dan to Blair: “I didn’t date Serena van der Woodsen for two years and not come away knowing that those are Mark Jacobs, and they’re mustard.”

Hey, remember Rufus’s gallery/coffee bar? Those were the days.

:17 The Captain: “Hey Chuck!” This line made me laugh out loud!

Blair to Dan: “And you do realize that I know everyone personally, right?” These two! Get these two a spinoff!

:19 Ben’s note: “I don’t need your blood money to stay away. I’ll stay away for free.” Wasn’t he a literature professor? That’s the best he can do for a righteously indignant missive? No bon mots? No cutting rejoinders? Cmon!

:24 Eric: “Mom paid someone off again. We should make this a drinking game.” That’s what I’m talking about when I’m talking about bon mots! I wish Ben were around to see this!

:26 So Chuck wants Thorpe’s daughter to fire the captain? Way to ruin your best friend’s life!

Blair, on the W interns: “All the other girls are variations on a theme, and the theme is lesser versions of me.”

S to Blair: “You have scheming in your voice. You can’t sabotage him!”

:31 Ah, so Dan and Blair are sabotaging each other. Good to see Dan hasn’t learned that mixing it up with Blair always ends in despair.

Also, they’re calling Dan “D” now? That’s stupid. He’ll always be Lonely Boy to me.

:34 I love the way Lily’s son talks to lily’s husband about lily. What’s up with these people?

:36 Poor Jonathan. He deserves better!

:38 The things I always wonder about this show is, is Stuart Fuji actually a guy in the film business that got a quick grip and grin on GG, or is he just a made-up flunkie? I suppose I could use teh Google, but whatevs.

:45 Nate, the Captain has a point here. “I think I’d rather live in a halfway house than with someone who halfway trusts me.” What he lacks in wit he makes up for in earnestness!

:48 So when Eric says Damien is a good distraction, is he talking about his fake relationship with Damien, or his real drug use?

Don’t you think it’s funny that Serena’s brother accuses her of caring more about Ben than her family, and then when her stepdad comes over to try to talk about her family, she runs away to go find Ben. Serena is truly the worst.

:53 So is Serena gonna take Blair’s advice and chase after Ben? This is preposterous. She’s awful.

:55 The Captain to Thorpe: “Whatever you need, I’m your guy.” We all know what that means!

Chuck isn’t thinking with his wang here. He’s got a plan. Right?

:58 Ooooh, dark Ben. I kinda like this.

I’m gonna have a hard time accepting Damien as a villain, especially since there was absolutely no resolution with Juliet. Do you hear me, writers?!