Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

Ah, our long exile in the wilderness is finally over! Gossip Girl is finally back! A lot of things have changed since last we spake, dearest readers. We got a new country! And a new Speaker of the House! And a new, friendlier discourse! However, comma, we’re stuck with the same old Jets. Anyway, on with this week’s diary!

:00 Haha. I forgot about Serena’s silly little plan to find the judge. You shouldn’t have to take a road trip to do that, but the Gossip Girl universe pretends that you do.

:01 Blair, on Serena’s ironic predicament: “Court records are public so you wore a pushup bra for no reason?” Blair Waldorf doesn’t need warm up shots. She’s ready to play right now.

:03 How come the Captain has continued to shave his head even though he’s out of prison?

:05 This tall blonde minion, didn’t she betray Blair to Juliet one time? Or am I thinking of a totally different flunky?

:08 Chuck, you are a boor, but I can’t resist your charms.

Dan, on brunch with the family: “This talking thing is going great.”

Ugh. Lily, what the hell are you doing here, conspiring with the judge? How badly do you want to drive your family away from you? This is infuriating!

:16 Really, Dan is the only appropriate verbal sparring partner for Blair. Well, besides Chuck, but that relationship is too fraught!

:17 LOL @ this. Serena is dressing up like Lily? Oh, Gossip Girl, maybe you need to introduce some new characters. These schemes are getting cheap!

:18 Serena, on the material she’s sifting through out of Lily’s safe deposit box: “All I have are divorce papers, jewelry, and artful nudes of my mother from her groupie days.”
Chuck: “Swap piles?”

:24 Oh wait, Chuck disappearing to Europe and trying to lead a secret life might have had negative consequences for his father’s company? Nobody could have predicted.

:27 The successful sale of Bass Industries depends on Eric’s presence at some party. Watch out!

This is something that I always find funny. Eleanor is paying Dorota as a housekeeper, but Dorota is constantly conspiring with Blair in schemes that aren’t always in Eleanor’s best interests. This happens every other episode.

:29 Hey Dan, S is putting everything else ahead of you. That’s the mark of a bad girlfriend. But I understand, I would act the same way in your shoes.

:30 The Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun wonders if there’s one writer that’s paid to come up with dramatic puns for Gossip Girl to say going into commercials. It sounds like it would be a sweet gig!

:34 Lest we forget that all of these kids are sophomores in college. But hey, they can go get drinks at whatever bar they want.

:36 You know, Lily, it would be much better for your family if you stopped hiding things from everyone! You could very well be right about everything, but everyone, including your children, thinks you’re a duplicitous scoundrel!

:37 Eleanor to Blair on her future: “Now that I know that your childish games are who you are and not a phase, I wouldn’t want someone like you wanting to be like me.” Oh boy. It’s getting hot in here. Should’ve worn a V-neck.

So was Dan’s gypsy switch with the envelopes on purpose? Does this lead to him getting a job at the Post?

:42 Eeeeeeeew. Are you watching this French’s mustard commercial? Mustard in chili? Mustard in mac and cheese? Oh sweet holy Lord in heaven . . .

:43 Rufus, on Dan switching the envelopes: “That’s my boy.” Imagine, people saving their family members from their own self-destructive tendencies.

:47 Of course Russell Thorpe is gonna buy the company.

:52 Editrix. We can bring this term back, can’t we?

:54 Ugh. Dan and Serena. You’re killing me! You two are literally killing me!

:55 Is Russell Thorpe putting together a Legion of Doom? Is he going to hire Georgina Sparks to answer phones?

:58 Hmm . . . a lady Chuck Bass. I like the looks of this!

S is going to ditch Dan for Juliet’s brother? Cmon! Doesn’t anyone remember what Juliet did, at Ben’s behest?

It’s the last episode before the holiday break, so you know things are going to come to at least a little bit of a head. What sort of vicious reprisal awaits Juliet Sharpe? Will Nate’s family actually be reunited? Will Eric tearfully enter the room and report that Jenny Humphrey’s helicopter was shot down over Long Island Sound and there were no survivors found among the wreckage? On with the diary!

:00 I think Ben looks kinda like Julian Assange. Maybe a little?

:02 I know I speak for all of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun’s readers when I say that I can go for some more of Dan and Blair be-bopping.

Eau de damage control: Lily’s classic scent. Good one, S. And yes, I want to see Serena in a Marlins jersey.

:04 When did Eric become such a wank?

:05 Nate’s mom trusts her screw-up kid to settle things with the Captain? Does she even know her own family?

:07 Ooooooooh. If there’s anything I ever wanted from this show, it’s to get Gossip Girl more involved. Asking her for Juliet’s address is an EXCELLENT plan, Dan.

:08 And GG comes through. Now we’re cooking with gas.

:11 Therapist: “I don’t know what to think. I would never do that.” That seems like a productive thing to say.

:14 Ah. Foreshadowing the inevitable Bass Industries power play between Chuck and Lily.

:15 Blair, on “I <3 Balls” shamed dude: “At least he’s owning it.” Hardy har har!

:16 Nate never jumps to conclusions. That’s so out of character. (Sarcasm, obviously, but then again, getting duped by people smarter than him is also a very Nate thing to do. What IS going on between his folks?)

:18 Drug dealers sell ether? I thought you had to go to the local apothecary for that kind of stuff.

:21 I feel like I ask this every week, but what the hell is One Tree Hill about?

:24 Of course Serena’s boarding school outfit involves a unbuttoned shirt, loose tie, and patterned tights.

:27 I see what they’re doing here. Ponytail = young for Serena, and Jared Leto bangs = young for Damian. Also, sepia tones for all!

:28 It wouldn’t be Gossip Girl without someone seeing a brief interaction from afar and drawing wild, damning, and ultimately wrong conclusions.

Ben the teacher: “The ability to have thoughts and not act on them is what separates man from beasts.” Ugh. Maybe this guy should be in prison . . .

:30 So these prison guards just sit there and do nothing while one of the convicts is having a clearly ominous conversation? Meanwhile, guys like me, on the outside, are probably being wiretapped. What gives!

:37 Why was young Juliet at the meeting with her brother and his lawyer to discuss his statutory rape charges?

:39 Lily to Eric on being such a little tool: “Somewhere between a Marlins jersey and the absolute truth lies the better part of decorum.” Good one, Mrs. VDW!

:41 We couldn’t have just one monocle popping into a glass of champagne during Serena’s sick burn of Lily?

:48 Oh Lily . . . this show sacrificed Dan and Serena’s love so you and Rufus could get together! And now you’re hiding things from him!

:50 I heard gossip on campus about my daughter, so I orchestrated a false statutory rape charge? This is certainly a flimsy story, Lily.

:51 Oh boy. That was brutal.

:54 Dan is going to skip a road trip with his hot, statuesque blonde ex girlfriend because Blair put a bug in his ear that he’s dumping everything in his life for S. Idiot. Do you think Hemingway would have picked writing over Serena? Fitzgerald? Kerouac? Bukowski? ANY of the greats?

:57 Hey, the adventures of Dan and Blair! Didn’t I say this is what I wanted?

Post script: C’mon, Gossip Girl! This is bullshit! You can’t build up Juliet Sharpe as this ur-villain, letting her slip out of the grasps of justice time after time for an entire half a season, building up our bloodlust for sweet, precious revenge, only to pull the rug out from under us and reveal Lily as the real villain! You had a good thing going with Juliet, and for what? So Serena can forgive her for drugging her and making her life miserable for months, and everyone can just be pissed at Lily again? I think we deserve better than this. Maybe I’d feel better about this if we actually had the Lily spinoff. Don’t think I forgot about that!

How was everyone’s Thanksgiving? Pleasant, I hope! Did you miss me? Probably not, but I missed you all desperately. I hope after all the turkey and pie and beer, you left room for some Gossip Girl. On with the diary!

:01 GG’s Thanksgiving Day monologue: “I’ll be back for just desserts.” Dinner puns!

Hey, did Blair just say she celebrates the Beaujolais nouveau? My folks throw a Beaujolais party every year!

:02 Dorota is teaching her baby Polish! I love it!

:04 I wouldn’t feed tofu sage stuffing to the dog. And I don’t even like the dog.

Walk right in, it’s around the back. Just a half a mile from the L train track. Via the OWCODDU: “Vanessa is wearing the same Native American–patterned fleece that Arlo Guthrie wore at the Thanksgiving Day Parade.” It’s more or less true!

:07 So is Juliet Sharpe kidnapping and drugging Serena to develop a feeling of dependence so that Serena will put Juliet on her health insurance? Because I feel like we might have seen this plot on Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

:14 Oh, this is great. They’re playing this soft acoustic music while Serena is in the hospital so that all of the people involved in Serena’s kidnapping feel especially like assholes. Can you hear that, Vanessa and Jenny?

:16 Nate’s mom is the Little J of this show’s adults.

:17 Then again, Nate is a bit of a naïf. I don’t really know what to believe about the Captain, honestly.

:19 Involuntary admission to a psychiatric hospital? This show is getting pretty heavy.

:23 Which insufferably twee indie duo does this “Up on the Housetop” Hyundai commercial? I need to know so I never purchase any of their songs, and shun any of my friends who like them.

:26 Dan thinks something else is up here. He was always the clever one in this crowd.

:27 Being a slimy villain herself, don’t you think Little J would recognize another slimy villain in Juliet. But I guess not!

:30 I mean, look at Jenny! She walks like a fucking mantis.

And now Vanessa is ratting out Jenny? Because Juliet convinced her that Dan was being drawn to Serena? Hey V, maybe Dan likes Serena because she’s not a callow weenie.

:34 I love how Serena and Dan are treating breaking out of a mental hospital like some sort of jaunty escapade. “Running away is what guilty people do,” he goes. Haha! Hoho!

:37 Dan to Lily: “At least I’m looking at her and not myself.” Sick burn, Lonely Boy. You made her cry!

:38 Dangerous, Dirty, Unfun is a big fan of the strung-out-looking, immersed-in-shadow Serena. That’s for the record.

So, what? Juliet sends a picture of a blonde in a mask doing some blow, and people automatically assume it’s Serena? And Serena believes this? Way to make Dan look like a jerk, S.

Also, is the entire conceit of Gossip Girl some sort of commentary on the leaking of sensitive state secrets? Is Gossip Girl actually the New York Times? Is Juliet Sharpe actually Julian Assange? Is Serena Van Der Woodsen the State Department? Think about it!

:44 Dan to Serena: “I wasn’t wrong to believe in you.” Come on, Eric! Dan earned that smooch!

:46 Ooooh . . . Juliet is turning into an uncontrollable monster. I can get behind that. Especially if there;s more black eyeliner involved.

:51 One prison visit and Nate’s mom isn’t divorcing the Captain? She seems like a pretty impulsive decision-maker.

:54 The best thing is for you to go and stay gone, Jenny. It’s a true fact.

:56 Ha! Good job, chatty prison guard. You just ruined Nate’s holiday.

“Just because we can’t be friends doesn’t mean we aren’t.” Did anyone else’s living room get really dusty when Chuck opened Blair’s note?

Tonight’s high society event that gives the gang a pretense to all get together and look fabulous at the same time was a New York Ballet benefit. On with the diary!

:00 So apparently, Colin, who I’ll be referring to by his full academic title from now on, is “the dude from Mad Men,” as the Other Official Roommate of DD&U informs me.

:01 Serena, lamenting her plight with Professor Forester: “All I can think about is how much I want to be on his arm at the ballet.” Is that all you can think about, S? I find that incredibly difficult to believe.

:03 Hey, Vanessa is telling everyone how crazy Juliet is. You guys should believe her. Oh wait, you don’t? Is that because V’s judgment is fucking terrible?

Hmm, apparently, Juliet’s brother Ben pleaded guilty. That definitely means he did whatever it is he was accused of doing. I don’t know who I like less out of this little triangle.

:04 I love how Rufus’s life revolves around waffles nowadays.

Chuck, on Nate returning Juliet’s Punisher War Journal #6, her copy of Fletch, and the remote control to her TV: “Closure, the unattainable goal. In my personal experience, the closest I’ve come to getting it is through massive amounts of hate sex, but that’s just me.”

Blair: What if someone sees?
Chuck: You don’t like that any more?

:08 You know Dan wants Serena back desperately, because a literary elitist like him wouldn’t be seen dead even holding a business self help book, let alone actually reading it.

:13 Blair, on Serena and Professor Forrester’s plan to go away for the weekend: “Do you forget what happens to you on vacations? There’s a reason you never get a tan line.”

:17 I like Nate trying to play the bad cop here, with this interrogation of Juliet. Who is about to lie to him again. And he’ll believe it. Because he always thinks the best of everyone, even though everyone in his life, including his own family, has betrayed him at some point.

And how condescending is Juliet. I used to shop at Woodbury Common! I used to live in a fifth floor walkup!

Nate: “I’m a big believer in second chances” (!)

:26 Blair in the tub, Serena sitting on the tub in a silk kimono. Nothing to see here, folks.

:29 Dorota, to Chuck, after Blair rebuffs his sexual advances: “KGB can’t get me to talk, Chuck Bass has no chance.” Firstly, Dorota! Second of all, I dunno, Dorota! Chuck can be very persuasive.

Vanessa spied on Juliet through Foursquare? This episode is not gonna stand the test of time. Also, Vanessa is a moron.

Gossip Girl: “It looks like the chip on Vanessa’s shoulder just went digital.” Hehehe.

:36 Aww, poor Dan. How many times is Lonely Boy going to see his girl gaze longingly at another guy? He should now hatch an elaborate but hilariously boneheaded plan to bring Professor Forester down. That’s his new style, no?

:38 Dan: “Nate was last week’s beard.” I love it.

:40 I’ve heard about trimming the hedges, Vanessa, but you’re over here scorching the earth! Don’t you want ANY friends?

:44 Just saw an ad for Burlesque. So, is this Moulin Rouge? Or Showgirls? Or Coyote Ugly?

:47 Blah. This scene with the dean is absurd. Every time the woman leaves the house, she’s harassed by stuck up brats.

:49 Are they gonna sit here and make me feel bad for Juliet? Because, you know, irregardless of Serena and Professor Forester’s little rules, it’s still true that they were involved, and I’m not sure that there’s a bright line between “trading grades for sex” and “trading grades for the prospect of sex.” And Vanessa is right, Serena gets away with murder on a more or less weekly basis. But I also can’t stand Juliet. So . . .

:54 So Professor Forester gave up his teaching position at Columbia for . . . nothing?

Dan reminds me so much of myself it’s actually disturbing. I’ve had a girl convince me to drop everything I’ve been doing and run out to meet her on more than a few occasions.

. . . and now he’s gonna run into Serena and Nate and draw all manner of conclusions!

:56 Blair: What do you think our count is?
Chuck: Us a million, the world zero.

:58 I was really expecting Juliet to be skyping with Georgina Sparks. As it stands, I don’t really think Juliet’s revenge is going to go so well if she’s in league with b-rate jokes like Little J and Vanessa.

A dear friend of mine informed me the other day that she heard the Juliet storyline is going to carry on into the spring. Which would be fine, if they would just tell us what the hell is going on! Let’s see if any light is shed on the sitch this week, shall we?

:01 Serena, after hearing Colin is descended from lobstermen: “I love The Deadliest Catch.” Those are crabs, you fool!

If not having sex for a few weeks caused swelling violins and echo-y voices in your head, the soundtrack of my life would be 68 Haydn string quartets on a continuous loop from the bottom of Carlsbad Caverns.

:04 Rufus, on why he and Lily will be celebrating their anniversary alone: “Jenny has a big test she has to study for and she can’t make it back to the city. It doesn’t feel right having a family celebration without her.” How many more times do you have to throw her out of your house before you realize that Jenny is the worst, Rufus?

:06 Chuck, during negotiations with Blair: “You can’t have Fashion Week in Paris and Milan. You have to choose.” Chuck’s tone there was perfect Bass.

Blair, on Serena and her new beau: “You are one macchiato from making the same mistake you always make.” If Serena and Colin having sex before the end of the semester were a company, I would invest my lift savings in it. Good thing it’s not. Because I have no life savings.

:08 Eric is right, Dan. Chuck and Blair will eat you alive.

:13 If there’s anyone you can trust, Serena, it’s the rando that just showed up this season and has already betrayed you and your friends.

Have we ever figured out how Ben is getting e-mails in prison?

:15 Serena’s favorite book is The Beautiful and Damned? If that’s true, I’m a little impressed. I never made it through that one.

:17 Chuck, on Dan’s bungling: “You really don’t know how to stage a run in, do you? Cut to the chase.”

“The intricacies of our war games are too complex for a prole like you to comprehend.” Dan is just getting BURNED this ep.

Juliet: “Some people are such prudes.”
Serena: “Heh. Yeah.” Lol @ this.

“Nate thought he and Humphrey were thick as thieves. Turns out Humphrey’s a thief, and Nate’s just thick.” Ha! Nate IS thick, Gossip Girl.

:24 This is a conversation I was having with the Official Washington Correspondent of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun.

OWCODDU: Here’s what happened
Colin committed some sort of crime
But he is rich
Juliet and her brother are poor!
Timmy: So Ben took the fall?
Clever!
OWCODDU: Ben took the fall for the crime so that Colin would pay for Juliet’s education!
And done!
Timmy: I’m gonna put this in DD&U.
Timestamped!
OWCODDU: WOOT

:27 Eleanor, after Blair insulted her dress for the evening: “Actually, dear, I picked it out.” Pwned! Don’t ever talk to Dorota like that again.

:32 Is the dean of Columbia Karen Hayes from 24? (10:28: IMDB says yes!)

Is Blair ever going to find out that that minion betrayed her to chuck?

:34 Dan is all pissed at Nate for hanging out with Serena, because he forgot that he went behind Nate’s back and read Blair and Chuck’s treaty.

:35 Blair, dismissing Serena’s defense of Juliet: “If I want to hear fiction, I’ll go talk to Jonathan Franzen. In fact . . .” I know this is a name-droppy show, but I find it hard to believe that Franzen would go to Blair’s birthday party.

:39 Nate: I just saw something in the kitchen! It must be about me! Allow me to jump to wild conclusions!

Minions, on Rita’s surprise: “A Jack Bass sex tape? A Nelly Yuki snuff film?” Ha!

:42 Haha! Slapstick! Apparently, I’m supposed to know that the woman who got chocolate spilled on her is Rachel Zoe? Who is apparently some kind of stylist?

:47 Colin is a complete squirrelmaster. What is Serena doing with this guy? He makes Tripp Van Der Bilt look like Gerard butler.

:49 Rufus to his kid: “I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m sorry you became one of them.” Pwned!

:52 Is Blair really so concerned about this silly karaoke video?

Speaking of Cyrus, where is he? I miss that guy!

:55 Dan and Vanessa should just do it. Right?

:56 Serena to Colin: “The new me really wants to wait.” How many new Serenas have there been? Half a dozen, right?

I wore this the whole time, don't worry.

Tough dilemma for your favorite blogger, folks. On the one hand, you’ve got a new episode of Gossip Girl. On the other, you’ve got my beloved Geeeeeeeeeeeeeee-men squaring off against the hated Dallas Cowboys on Monday Night Football. Fortunately, kickoff was around 8:30, and Elisha was victimized by two straight tipped-ball interceptions, so I didn’t feel too bad about watching GG and flipping back to the game during commercials. After all, you, my precious readers, haven’t had a Gossip Girl diary in a long time! And I love you people! Let’s get to it.

:00 Good thing the Giants started the game with two interceptions and are down 10–0. Makes me feel better about watching Gossip Girl instead.

:01 I feel like a lot of people like these Blair dream sequences, but I can’t stand them.

:02 God, Serena gets around. Who is this guy, just some dude that lives in her building?

Blair to Serena, the morning after: “Yesterday’s dress with today’s shame all over it.” Your dream sequences may be lame, but your lines are divine.

:04 Nate suggested breakfast at Tom’s. Does he mean Monk’s?

Haha! How could Juliet possibly get caught at the same prison as Nate’s dad? That seems like the exact type of thing she would never do, if she’s actually the Machiavellian schemer we’re to believe she is.

:05 Classic GG. The last guy Serena sleeps with turns out to be her new professor. It was either that, or he would have been Lily’s new business partner, or Rufus’s manager. I should have known, right?

:10 Jenny to Blair: “I’m not looking to destabilize your social order.” Of course you are, Jenny! And you might fool some people with this contrite, humble façade, but I know better. You’re the worst.

:12 What are the odds that Jenny and Juliet eliminate each other’s maps for keeps? Is that too much to ask?

Blair to Serena, upon learning that Serena is sleeping with her new professor: “Cab guy? What are the odds?” One could do worse than have Blair Waldorf as an audience stand-in.

:14 B’s minion: Nothing could be more fun than bottle blonde recon. Are Blair’s writers feeding lines to her flunkies?

:16 Chuck to Dan, after being asked to leave the Humphrey residence: “How can I argue with big brother. I’ll just take these blueprints Lily left for me, and let you get back to your Hemingway complex.” Swoon.

:25 I like Dan, but his fondness for Jenny is a huge character flaw.

:26 I can’t wait for Juliet’s love for Nate to lead to her undoing. Of course, that won’t happen. No, they’ll put her in a few moderately redeeming situations, and her brother will be cast in stark relief as the ultimate villain, and we’ll be forced to sympathize with Juliet. I CAN wait for that.

:28 I’m a big Tim Gunn guy.

:30 Chuck to Dan, wrt Dan’s murder-suicide suggestion: “So dramatic. You should be a writer.” Best character on TV!

:33 So, how about that local sports breasts?

:35 How come Lily never asks “Serena, how come you always dress like a whore?”

Or “Why are you such a disappointment to me?”

B to Penelope: “This isn’t Congress. Accomplish something!” A seemingly timely but secretly evergreen topical joke!

:37 Tim Gunn, offering a second interview! What a guy!

:38 Prison Ben to Juliet, after jacking up the Captain: “Did you get my message?” This guy is wicked badass. Like, how did he send a text message from prison?

:46 Dan is right about Blair being right! Jenny should go back to Hudson!

Lily to Serena: “I know you would move back to classes more your speed eventually.” A shame this is just a reverse psychology scheme, and not lily actually calling her daughter out for being a wayward tart.

The Captain got beat with a dictionary. That’s kinda funny.

:49 Good thing I missed that long Dez Bryant punt return for a touchdown.

:54 Serena is putting off a relationship with the guy she just slept with in order to impress her mother? Way to take one for the team.

:55 Chuck to Blair, on a possible détente: “If we keep going, we’ll both wind up dead. And I like myself too much to let that happen.”

Nice to see Chuck and Blair recognizing that they probably broke up for completely wacky and improbable reasons.

:57 No no no no. There will be NO sympathy for Juliet. I don’t care how much she cries!

:59 Um, what the hell is going on with this show?!

I got my lunchbox packed, my boots tied tight. I hope I don’t get in a fight. Chuck is back, Serena and Blair are back, and the school year is about to start. That means we’re entering the nitty gritty of the GG season. On with the diary!

:00 Can’t believe I missed that “I’m Chuck Bass” last week. I’m surprised you people are still even reading this crummy blog.

:01 Blair said “pleebeians.” That’s kinda funny.

Eric VD Dub is back! What a breath of fresh air. I love that kid.

:03 I’m sure there are frats at Columbia, but do they have houses? I know I have some readers that “went” to Columbia. Speak up in comments.

:04 I’m not gonna be able to continue blogging if little Milo is going to be wearing that wicked presh little bear hat.

Soooo . . . Chuck was able to explain all of his secret double life away so persuasively that Eva not only didn’t toss him out like a parking ticket, but she followed him to America? You know what, I believe it!

:08 Dan, on raising a kid that isn’t his: “I just can’t believe this. Why would Georgina do this?” Oh, Dan. Thank god you’re so pretty.

Gossip Girl on Georgina: “If she’s flown the coop, who’s cleaning up her baby’s poop? Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun don’t need to be told twice that this is My Favorite Line of the Season So Far!

:13 You see how Serena’s hair is sort of nappy and dingy? Timmy likey.

:16 Is Juliet working for Trip’s wife or something? I should have thought of that last week, but I didn’t.

:18 Ugh. Hamilton House actually hangs out on steps? That is sooooo high school. And was that a green screen behind them? That’s pretty lame, no?

:24 Nate to Juliet: “I haven’t had to try this hard before. It’s refreshing.” Ha!

B to S: “This isn’t a conspiracy.” I have a feeling you’re going to be refuted very shortly, Blair.

:26 There it is.

:27 Chuck on Blair: “She wouldn’t waste a breath hurling insults if she didn’t think they’d land.” Christ, what a smooth talker he is.

:29 Hmm. I guess we all collectively forgot Chuck’s rapey ways from Season 1. That’s really a blight on his application for Best Character on Television.

:35 V on raising a kid: “If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it . . .” Great reference, but wasn’t Steve Gutenberg in that movie? From the other side of the couch, ORODDU: “No love for the Gute!”

Nice dress, Serena, with the little boob TV screen.

:39 Ok, so that little Blair-Serena fight tableau was a little hard to believe, but it’s hardness to believe is what made it such a great reveal! Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know that I’m always interested in seeing noobs get pwned. See you in hell, Juliet!

:43 What IS One Tree Hill? There’s fucking ghosts?

:44 Dan is talking to Milo, and hears a knock on the door. My other roommate: “I bet it’s not who you think it is.”

:44.5 Hello, Georgina. He gets it!

:46 Nate is right. Serena did act pretty horribly and then just waltz back in like it’s no big deal.

:47 Piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining, Georgina. This whole story is gobbledygook! Dan should rat her out to the Russians!

:48 Dan! You can’t let this evil woman take Milo!

:49 See what they did there? Like, the last episode ended with “I’m Chuck Bass.” And this one ended with “Who the hell are you, Chuck Bass?” That’s some literary stuff there, precious readers.

:55 Dan, on Rufus’s advice: “He thinks I should throw myself into more traditional college pastimes like Noam Chomsky and beer pong.” Get it? Because Dan is a young liberal idealist!

Isn’t it weird that Serena is a freshman and everyone else is a sophomore? What’s gonna happen in three years?

:57 I was convinced they were going to show Eva unpacking her luggage, and she was going to like, pull out a gun or something.

:58 This sound problem is REALLY grinding my gears. I couldn’t hear ANY of that last scene! I try not to read too many recaps, but I’m going to have to. Who was that guy? And should I be ashamed that I don’t know right off the top of my head?

My roommate just closed the windows because it was too chilly in the living room. And then I sorta smelled that old, warm, familiar smell. The heat had turned on. Which means it’s that time of year, precious readers: the nights are getting cooler, and the first completely absurd subplot of the Gossip Girl season is starting to materialize. On with the diary!

:01 Oh fucking great. The C-Dub is doing that thing again, where the music soundtrack is way louder than the speaking soundtrack. So now I have the volume all jacked up just to get the faintest hint of dialogue. What gives!

Also, Serena, choosing between Dan and Nate is not like choosing between a napoleon and an éclair. You pick the éclair! And the éclair is Dan!

:03 My friend makes a good point. Chuck is writing the Empire checks himself? Can’t he hire like, a business manager? Isn’t that what bosses do?

“The life of Serena van der Woodsen is like the most complicated Jane Austen novel ever.” That’s the kind of talk that would tip off a non-idiot that this woman is up to something. Good thing for the plot that Nate is a moron.

:06 ZOMG! LOOK AT THE HAT LITTLE MILO IS WEARING! I JUST GOT DIABETES!

:08 Dan, w/r/t to Serena going to Columbia: “I’m just surprised she didn’t say anything to me about it.” Why does this surprise him? I know it would require different plots, but would it kill these characters to act like this isn’t still season 1, episode 1?

I feel like a broken record. Nate doesn’t even KNOW this “Juliet Sharp” woman, but he’s gonna let her drive a wedge between him and Dan? I hope the writers aren’t expecting us to think that “Juliet” is some master manipulator along the lines of Jack Bass or something. Look at who she’s dealing with!

:14 Serena: I went to the morgue today. Blair: What is that, a sex club? Pwned!

:16 Chuck’s blonde friend has been in something. Wait, wait, don’t tell me . . .

:17 Lily has a good point here. Dan has been over there in Brooklyn raising this child, while she and Rufus have been loafing about the UES. What a buncha peaches, eh?

:21 Hmm . . . Chuck’s, I mean Henry’s, friend has been in the Harry Potter movies? Shrug?

:26 I mean, it wouldn’t be HORRIBLE for Dan and V to get back together. But still! Not because of some scheme from some rando!

:28 Eew, did Dan and Vanessa do it with the baby in the next room? Is that what like, people with babies do?

:31 I know Blair leaving her Blackberry at the apartment, so she doesn’t have to deal with texts from Serena, is supposed to be a symbolic gesture, but of all the things that have happened in this episode, that was the thing that required the most tenacious suspension of belief. How can you not have your phone on you! My phone is only a room and a half away, and I’m kinda getting the willies with it being that far from me.

:34 Did you see this Accuvue commercial? With the girl who’s trying to work up the courage to ask out a cute boy? And the whole point of the commercial is that she has to get rid of her glasses in order to do it? This is an attitude that must be fought! Enough of this “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” garbage. Wear your glasses, ladies! Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun promises to make a pass at you

:37 Nate: “Oh man, my web of deception blew up in my face again. Well, lesson learned. I’ll never stab my friends in the back ever again!” What, he didn’t say that when Dan discovered the text from Serena he never saw because Nate was snooping around? My bad.

:43 This is the life, eh? Drinking some cold brew dogs on the roof while your stepmom takes care of your bastard child.

:45 Has Serena really been wearing this absurd sparkle jacket the entire episode?

:47 I haven’t really thought about it, but they would never take Chuck away from us, right? Like, this isn’t even an option?

:48 Chuck: Your world would be easier if I didn’t come back. B: That’s true. But it wouldn’t be my world without you in it. Hold on. I got a piece of dust in my eye. Both eyes.

:54 You know, watching Serena see all of these people, and the baby, show up in Rufus’s living room really drives home how absurd this series of plots has been.

:56 The closest thing Rufus has to medical training is Lincoln Hawk getting a song on Chicago Hope! The 90s!

:57 Ok, guys, who is “Juliet” working for? Georgina? Poppy Lifton? Jack?

There’s a chill in the air. You leave work, and the sun is more or less down. Any day now, you’ll look out the window and see a skosh of orange on those green leaves. The summer, sad to say, is over, dearest reader. New Englanders are preparing to hunker down for another long, cold, lonely winter, unboxing their gloves and down coats. And yet, in a way, life is just blossoming back to, well, life. You know what I’m talking about. Gossip Girl is back. And consequently, the Gossip Girl running diary is back. Did you miss it? Actually, don’t answer. I already know what you’re going to say.

In the interest of helping you all out a little, I’m going to do my best to make the time stamps match up to where events happen in the show, instead of whatever time it is when I happen to write something down. And maybe I’ll try to add in a little more context so these things have a little more shelf life than the 18 hours after any given GG ep. We’ll see how that goes.

When last we left our protagonists, an exasperated and depressed Blair dragged her taller, prettier, more statuesque friend with her to Paris to suck up all the male attention; the hated Georgina Sparks showed up at Dan’s door, ostensibly with his love child in tow; and Chuck lay bleeding to death in a dark alley.

:00 zomgg
:02 Seriously, how does Gossip Girl have correspondents in Paris? Is Blair feeding her information?
:03 “The only guy that’s been in my pants is the tailor at [inaudible].” I missed you desperately, Blair. I’m also extremely disappointed that your first slam-dunk line of the season was ruined by the fact that the speaking soundtrack is being drowned out by the music soundtrack on my TV. And sorry, treasured readers, but there are two Monday Night Football games on, so I can’t go back to the DVR.
:04 Also, let’s talk about Serena’s tin foil cargo net dress. What is that thing?
:06 That package is a course catalogue? If Serena actually goes through with going to Brown, I’ll eat my hat.
:07 If Chuck is really not paying the mortgage on the Empire, and it’s really going to go into foreclosure, why wouldn’t Lily just use some of her billions to keep him afloat until he resurfaces?
:08 Oh, Serena got into Columbia. That envelope she got in the mail must have been filled with deus ex machina. Good thing I didn’t start marinating that hat . . .
:09 It’s like the Gossip Girl writers have set up quarters in my head. “Timmy loves Gossip Girl so much, but how can we make him love it more? How about a baby?” I’ll tell you, readers, I don’t even care that it’s Georgina’s spawn. I love that baby!

:14 If Nate had his bangs down, he would be completely able to pick up a girl in Norma’s after ditching some floozy right in front of her face. He’s like Samson, with a comb.
:17 This Paris shopping montage is some SERIOUSLY obnoxious product placement.
:18 serena: “Before I lose you to another shoe coma, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” That was pretty clever, S!
:19 Vanessa to Dan: “Do not mention her Georgina. Hahaha!
:20 V: “We’re talking about Georgina Sparks! Her hair lies!” Someone came back from the summer with a sassmouth!
:21 I’m clearly rusty after a whole summer of not watching GG. That driver/prince double-date switchola actually caught me off guard! B: “Oh, I’ve never sat up here before.”

:27 Eleanor, wrt Lily’s nametag reading “Bass”: “I was afraid no one would know who she is!” Eleanor Waldorf, stirring up class resentment!
:29 Ok, ok, ok, here we go: This driver-asking-Blair-out thing is like, some kind of prince and the pauper situation. Where the driver actually IS the prince, but he wants to test Blair to see if she’s unshallow enough to be interested in a lowly chauffer. Watch.
:32 I’m confused. Is Dan’s web of deception coming back to bite him in the ass? That’s never the case.

:37 Georgina to Lily: “I wasn’t expecting this introduction either.” Yes you were! You orchestrated it! Also, we’ve heard Georgina’s “I’ve changed, I’m not a pathological liar anymore” shtick a half a dozen times already. It’s one of Gossip Girl’s most enduring tropes!
:39 Let me get this straight. Blair wants to be on her own, outside of Serena’s shadow, but the year she actually spent out of Serena’s shadow was the worst year of her life?

:44 I’m calling bullshit. This baby plotline is beyond a reasonable suspension of belief. “The dates match,” Dan goes? Dan, this is Georgina Sparks! The closest thing that television has to the platonic archetype of pure evil! She comes waltzing in with a couple of phony documents, and you’re going to let a calendar persuade you? You’re lucky you’re pretty, Dan Humphrey.
:48 Welp, precious readers, your favorite blogger thought he lost a step. But he’s just as sharp as ever! The old prince-posing-as-a-lackey deception! I saw it a mile away!

:55 Juliet Sharp, eh? That’s a pretty good fictional name.
:56 This nutty bulletin board only serves as a bitter reminder that I put a whole season into Flash Forward, only to see it cruelly cancelled. Also, what ARE you up to, Juliet sharp, if that is your real name?

Will Lebron James spend the next three to five seasons delivering the multiple championships that we’ve all been assured he will someday win to Cleveland, ushering in a new golden age for the benighted former metropolis? Or will he flee, plunging clea bleak, post-apocalyptic nightmare future where unsold Travis Hafner bobbleheads are the only currency, and flames leaping from the Cuyahoga River are not a shameful sign of postindustrial decay, but rather a nostalgic reminder of the bright flame of hope that once burned in the heart of every Clevelander, before their Chosen One skipped town, their souls and innocence in tow? Tonight is the night we find out!

I’ve gone back and forth about Lebron’s um, decision to go through with “The Decision,” the hour-long program tonight where he’ll announce the team he’s chosen to sign a free agent contract with. On the one hand, it’s incredibly tacky. It’s always been one thing for ESPN and the rest of the national media to pick up this “Where will Lebron go” narrative and milk it for everything it’s worth over the past three years. But for the man himself to throw one final last tanker full of gasoline onto the flames with this self-indulgent bit of puffery? It’s unseemly, especially considering Lebron has yet to win a damn thing.

Then again, as you all know from my posts on guys like Manny Ramirez and Chad Ochocinco, I’m all about my athletes being entertainers. Sports are supposed to be fun and frivolous. They’re supposed to be spectacle. Is there a bigger spectacle than an hour-long, widely publicized, highly produced show dedicated to the type of announcement that Kevin Durant managed to make in less than 140 characters. As far as entertainment goes, Lebron can either make himself into a Rushmore-worthy mark of integrity and loyalty by sticking with Cleveland, or one of the biggest sports villains ever by stabbing his hometown team in the heart on the biggest stage imaginable. Either way, I’m writing a running diary of the thing. Here we go!

8:58 And Sportscenter is already reporting that “Sources indicate Lebron James will sign with the Heat.” I hope that doesn’t happen, or else ESPN will have ruined their whole surprise!

8:59 We’ll all be watching together, Linda Cohn just said. I feel like America is my whole family. Lebron James is bringing people together. Before he tears them bloodily apart.

9:01 Who is this voiceover guy, Zordon? Also, this bing logo in the “The Decision” chyron in the corner is pretty ill-placed.

9:02 Simmons touched on this earlier in the day, but I’ll reiterate: if Lebron, Bosh, and Wade are playing for the Heat, who else are they playing with? Hobos off the street? Guys that’ll play for mojitos?

9:03 Jon Barry just called Dwyane Wade the second-best player in the game. I think there should be a split screen of Kobe Bryant’s reactions to the bloviation that occurs in the next hour.

9:07 I swear to God, I almost bought that purple gingham shirt the other day. Of course, I don’t think Lebron is shopping at the Banana Republic factory store.

I’ve liked Joe Johnson ever since he made the Celtics look like they were playing pee-wee ball in the 2008 playoffs, but I don’t think he really deserved that contract.

9:10 I might be a homer, but I think what happened with the Celtics in 2008 was a fluky anomaly. Rondo and Perkins happened to coincidentally be effective players, and James Posey happened to be able to play clutch defense on everyone’s best player, and PJ Brown happened to be able to still walk. Lightning in a bottle!

9:11 Would it have killed ESPN to take the time to superimpose Lebron’s face onto some color unis? At least it would look dynamic and distract us for a second from what an effing farce this whole thing is. For a second.

Commercials = grabbing a beer. Great Divide Denver Pale Ale. Perhaps Lebron to the Nuggets?

9:15 Where would we be without “California Love”? ESPN would need to play the theme to The OC during All-Star promos, that’s where.

9:16 At 25, I wanted the option to earn jillions more dollars. I bet Lebron’s living room has air conditioning.

You know, I refuse to believe that Lebron would go through with this whole show if his operation was leaky enough that so many “sources” are sure he’s signing with the Heat. But I don’t know anything about anything.

9:20 Here’s a Facebook update from the Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun, a Cleveland native and Cavaliers fan:

ORODDU: really? this thing is sponsored by bing, the “decision engine” and “DecisionWater” (formerly known as VitaminWater)?? ridiculous

Ha!

9:22 I gotta tell you, I couldn’t care less what Lebron thinks about the process. We’ve all made tough decisions before. They suck! Get on with it!

9:23 Incidentally, I saw the giant sign that the Russian plutocrat owner of the Nets painted on the side of that building overlooking MSG the other day. It’s kinda hilarious.

9:25 I’m ashamed to say that I have a knot in my stomach. This could be the end of Cleveland, and the guillotine is dropping in slower than slow motion.

9:27 So it’s the Heat. Did you hear that crowd? Hoo boy.

9:29 “How do you explain this to the city of Cleveland?” Like this: see you in hell!

9:30 Will you still live in Akron? Ha! That’s a legitimate lol.

9:32 This is a time-stamped guarantee: if Pat Riley doesn’t walk downstairs at some point to coach Lebron James, I’ll eat my hat.

Look at all that Vitamin Water. It looks like backstage at a Gossip Girl fashion show.

9:36 Did you see that bartender in Cleveland? Holy smokes.

Mike Wilbon just congratulated Lebron for making his decision. I wish I was congratulated for doing things I’m supposed to do. “First of all, Timmy, congratulations for brushing your teeth this morning.”

9:39 I hope the fans will be respectful, but I don’t expect them to be. Interesting quote. I would change my mind about rooting against Lebron if he made a complete heel turn here. Drop the faux humbleness, mug for the camera more, show up to the arena in a black feather boa.

9:44 That’s right! Who knows how game 7 would have gone if Perkins didn’t go down!

One look at my Facebook news feed, and I’m already having a backlash against the Lebron backlash. I don’t want to hate on Lebron is hating on Lebron is already passe . . .

9:49 Was that litany of great teams a slap in the face of Mo Williams?

I kinda sorta don’t believe that they’re showing Lebron video of people burning his jersey. “How do you feel about that, Lebron?” Probably bad! Then again, nothing burns like an effigy . . .

9:51 I love this “to my real fans” stuff.

10:00 Alright, enough. Go Celtics.