Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

What’s the score? Who hasn’t gotten together yet? Vanessa and Chuck? Eric and Nate? Jenny and an unceremonious offscreen goodbye? Oh, wait, those two did get together. Thank God. Anyway, for better or for worse, we’re waist-deep in the Blair and Dan era. Let’s see how it’s working out.

7:59 Hey yo, Bernie and Phyl’s has a Gossip Girl lead-in commercial! Makes me want to buy some furniture.

8:01 An episode and a half in, and I’m already sick of Blair and Dan. Actually, I was sick of them before it even happened.

8:03 There are reporters with decades of experience out of work, even in GG’s world. And yet Nate is the editor in chief of a publication. Where are the torches and pitchforks outside Spectator headquarters?

8:04 Remember when GG wanted to indulge in some inane princess fantasy, and had to contort itself into all manner of unnatural positions to accommodate the absurd plot, and then had Georgina somehow settle things off screen via some machination to be named later?

8:07 Lola: “Aiden is just a friend, and he’s not my type.” I was convinced that was going to be followed with “. . . because he’s gay.” But no, there’s got to be a straight, good-looking acting student foil to Nate.

8:14 Hey, Liz Hurley is hosting the party that Serena is modeling at, which means that Nate and Lola will have to be there, and probably Blair and Dan. I hope chuck shows up!

8:15 Lily chafing in the Brooklyn loft has been the most entertaining aspect of the show! Don’t go back to the UES yet!

8:18 Wait, why did Serena pull that alarm? I looked away for two seconds!

8:19 Nate is seriously the worst secret-keeper! He blabbed on his girlfriend not more than a week ago!

8:20 Oooooooh. I get it. Serena is trying to ruin Lola’s life by getting her on Gossip Girl. That’s what family is for!

8:22 Also, I know they’re still having Kristen Bell do Gossip Girl’s voice, which makes sense, since people don’t know that Serena is acting as GG. But WE know that Serena absolutely does not have the real Gossip Girl’s cutting wit and facility with puns. No one does!

8:27 Remember when Blair and Nate were together? And they’d been together for like, years and years before the show started? That always bothered me about Blair and Chuck’s romance.

8:30 Haha. Oh, Dan, you fool. No wonder these characters are always so cagey around each other. Every time they candidly open their mouths, they ruin something.

8:37 Shorter Lily: “Rufus, I only hid my deception from you because I knew you wouldn’t approve.” Then again, that’s Ivy’s bad for packing up and leaving the apartment before collecting the check. That’s the oldest trick there is!

8:41 A tutorial for the uninitiated: Serena is accusing Lola of using her to take out Diana, which makes her a hypocrite, since Serena is using Lola to be the new focus of Gossip Girl’s attention. The “one character accusing another character of doing the same thing s/he’s guilty of” is a trope used almost as often as the “ostentatious party that brings every character together in the second half of the episode.”

Also, when I say that it’s beyond a reasonable suspension of belief for Serena to write seamlessly in GG’s voice, it’s because she’s not clever enough to just keep her mouth shut when she walks in on Lola and Nate. How is she gonna rattle off three dozen killer puns a day?

8:53 Boo hoo, Serena is jealous of the attention Lola is getting. S could learn a lesson from lisa simpson: you can’t create a monster and then complain when she stomps on a few buildings.

8:56 Chuck is really concerned about this blood donation. He’s gonna find out it was Newman, watch.

8:58 You know, I was VERY skeptical of this “Serena as Gossip Girl” plotline. I should have known I could have trusted the writers to make it worthwhile! What happened to my implicit faith?

Contrary to my first observation down there, I’m starting to turn on Blair. I know they’ve made it so Louis is sort of a plotter and is distrustful of Blair, but I’m apt to believe that was more to elevate Chuck than anything else. Just leave Chuck alone, Blair! Cmon! Anyway, on with the diary.

:01 I can’t lie. I dig Blair’s bangs in this dream sequence.

:02 Dorota, on Chuck: “Apology doesn’t seem so fake to me.”
Blair: “That’s because English is your second language.”

:04 Possibly not unintentional comedy of the episode: Rufus to Dan: “People who still go to bookstores are real readers.”

Diana’s plot to unseat Gossip Girl raises some questions. Is Gossip Girl (the blog) monetized? Who’s advertising on this site? Much of the labor is crowdsourced, but does GG have any paid “reporters”? Has this been explored?

:08 Chuck, on his change of heart: “I like duck l’orange as much as the next person, but I didn’t think it was right to see the poor thing suffer.”

:09 Ha! Yes! Serena is going to get mixed up with Ivy’s ex-boyfriend. I’m getting the faintest whiff of comeuppance here!

:13 Of course Blair makes Chuck-related Venn diagrams with a protractor. Actually, scratch that. Of course Blair would have a protractor around in the first place.

:16 I love how Lily tries to compare Dan on a book tour to Rufus on a rock tour. Maybe they were going from town to town at the same pace, but I’m pretty sure Dan isn’t blasted out of his mind on Kappy’s brand whiskey and blow.

:24 Chuck: Maybe we’re maturing too fast.
Nate: Is that why you’re going back to Phantom of the Opera sex games?

:25 Serena, to Blair: “I think you’re too good scheme.” No, Serena, she is not.

:27 Oh hey, a party that brings all of Gossip Girl’s characters together at the end of the episode.

:31 This poor Max. He doesn’t strike me as terribly savvy. Does he have any idea what he’s in store for?

Dorota, on Blair sneaking out: “You think hiding pillows under covers fools me? You’re lumpier now!” Some welcome revenge for that English crack earlier!

:35 If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that you can always trust the gossip monger who would go as far as to steal the cell phones of a party-ful of Manhattan society types and who has no qualms about, quite frankly, ruining people’s lives. Good move, Nate.

:37 Oh, Blair. : (

For a performance where the rules are to remain masked at all times, there’s been a LOT of unmasking going on. And I know that all dopey boys look alike, but are Max and Nate wearing the exact same outfits? How could that slip past Ivy’s notice?

:45 Does Diana think Serena would be bothered by GG sending out a “womp womp, Serena is a loser” blast? All Serena has ever wanted was to be a loser!

:46 Fact checking Dan Humphrey: “My book Every book is a failure.”

:48 Max, instilling some rare backbone into this show.

So Ivy is being smited (smote?) by Diana, who is the season’s clear villain. But does that mean we’re supposed to feel sympathetic? Does it mean that my soul is a shriveled-up husk because I’m rooting for Ivy’s downfall?

:54 Hey, Dorota is getting in on the scheme game! Glad to see that Blair is just bad here, and is completely wrong about Chuck.

:56 Serena, to Ivy: “I’m not alone. I have you.” She’s a fake, Serena! A fake! Don’t get caught in her comeuppance!

:58 Eew. Dan texts “Call u later”? Gross.

:59 Hey, Massachusetts’s own Dom was one of the featured artists tonight. Good band!

If you’re like me, you watch a lot of repeats on those syndicated TV show channels. A hallmark of these types of channels, at least at the times I watch them, are ads for for-profit colleges. You know the type, if not the actual schools: become a medical assistant, go to culinary school, and c. Let’s not have a discussion about how . . . ethical . . . these for-profit operations are. Let’s talk about the commercials, though.

The script is always the same, with subtle variations. Some attractive and exuberant actor gets up and talks about jump starting your career, about exciting opportunities in X field, flexible hours, financial aid available. Yada yada yada. It’s a commercial making a pitch, like every other commercial making a pitch. Then it ends.

And then it starts up again. Except this time, it’s a beheadsetted actor in a call center, ostensibly representing the real person you’d be talking to if you called the number that the previous commercial told you to call. And then this person will say that they hope that commercial inspired you to take hold of your dreams or something, and they’ll repeat the number and tell you to call. And then the commercial will finally be over for real.

What’s up with this call center post-commercial? How come you don’t see it for like, car commercials? Where you see a Jeep Cherokee barreling through the mud, and the ad fades, and then another commercial with lower production values starts up, and a car salesman looks you in the face and tells you he hopes that commercial got you excited about Jeeps, and hopefully you’ll come on by and purchase one. I don’t know if it’s effective or not, although there’s got to be someone doing research about this, because almost every for-profit college ad is like that! I don’t get it.

The whole thing is cartoon babies pooping! In a contest! With judges! Can you believe this is on TV?

I think it’s hilarious that the commercial for Nick Varano’s Famous Deli features a kid that doesn’t have enough money for a sandwich. Hey Nick, maybe if you didn’t charge extortionary rates for your sandwiches, you wouldn’t have to accept toys as payment from street urchins!

Just watched the LeBron commercial. Almost makes ya wanna like him.
—the Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun. Cleveland native, Cavaliers fan, former Witness.

As we all probably could have expected, Nike has a LeBron James–centered commercial to kick off the NBA season and the start of the next era in King James’s career. It’s called “Rise.” Here it is.

Let’s get a few things out of the way. The Decision was a dick move. But it wasn’t a dick move because of the spectacle, or because it represents everything wrong about sports in the ESPN era, or because LeBron James is an egomaniac. It was a dick move because it prevented the Cleveland front office from pursuing alternate free agent strategies, and because it ripped the hearts out of Cavaliers fans’ chests. But it didn’t rip fans’ hearts out because LeBron James owed them his loyalty; he just just owed them the courtesy of not being an asshole. So yeah, I wasn’t a big fan of The Decision. I wasn’t a big fan of last week’s “Hater Day,” either, when LeBron re-posted some of the more vitriolic and nasty Twitter messages he’s gotten. LeBron may have some unpleasant stuff cross his path on a daily basis, but a multi-millionaire that plays a kids’ game for a living is going to have a hard time gaining sympathy from a nation of plebs already predisposed to dislike him. It’s just a losing strategy.

One of the more resonant critiques of LeBron has been that he just doesn’t get it. How could he not have known that The Decision would be poorly received? How could he possibly expect us to feel bad for him that he gets some nasty messages on Twitter? Why doesn’t he get it? This attitude is pervasive, especially among the sports commentariat, so it’s no surprise that some writers (like NESN’s Mike Cole) would think that the new Nike commercial is just part of a pattern. Writers like Cole would have you believe that everything you think about LeBron James is valid, and he’s coming after you again. Simple as that.

Problem is, that’s not what this commercial is doing. LeBron’s not settling any scores here. He’s not trying to portray how betrayed he feels. He’s saying “Look in the mirror.”

(A caveat: Cleveland fans need not look in the mirror. Their hatred is justified. If Cleveland wants to hate LeBron forever, they should. I would never begrudge a fan base a valid uh, grudge. I mean, Cliff Lee didn’t treat New York nearly as bad as LeBron treated Cleveland, but I still hate that guy’s guts!)

As Lisa Simpson said, you can’t create a monster and then whine when it stomps on a few buildings. We’re all complicit in the LeBron James hype machine. We can complain about The Decision, but I certainly watched. So did a lot of people. We can complain about ESPN’s non-stop coverage of LeBron James’s free agency over the past two years, but we all watched. And every time there was a Michael Jordan comparison, every time LeBron was referred to as the savior of a star-crossed city, more of our own expectations and projections were heaped onto him. LeBron James looked like a good guy, so he became a good guy. We wanted LeBron James to lift Cleveland out of sports purgatory, so he became the guy that would lift Cleveland out of sports purgatory. The franchise down the road from his hometown was awful enough to win the draft lottery the season before he entered the NBA, so LeBron became the hometown hero.

LeBron James isn’t a hero. LeBron James isn’t a villain. And, like he says in the ad, LeBron James isn’t a role model. I’ve gotten into this a tad before on the blog. I just don’t think we should be holding athletes up as role models. Of course, it’s nice when star athletes are also great people. And of course, we shouldn’t tolerate star athletes behaving like savages. But we also shouldn’t hold them to standards of morality and goodness that we would have a hard time living up to ourselves, simply because they’re on TV more. These are guys that are just like us, except better at sports.

The Decision was a mistake. We all make mistakes. LeBron has a large ego. It’s exceedingly difficult to get ahead in the world of professional sports without one. LeBron appears to have turned his back on his hometown team. I’m sorry that Cleveland’s teams haven’t won a title in half a century. I’m sorry that for seven seasons, the best the Cavaliers could do to play with LeBron were guys like Mo Williams and Anderson Varejao. I’m sorry that the Browns have had some heartbreaking seasons, and have seen teams like the Rams, the Buccaneers, and the Saints win Super Bowls. I’m sorry that Jose Mesa couldn’t close out Game 7. Had any of a number of things far outside of LeBron’s control occurred over the years, it wouldn’t be such a big deal that LeBron left Cleveland, let alone the manner that he left.

I guess all of this is to say, I’m over being mad at LeBron. The most effective image in that whole ad, and one that I think should be the main takeaway for all of us, is LeBron tearing up the gym with a front loader. I think we should clear the decks and start over. I don’t mean looking past The Decision; that’s part of LeBron’s legacy forever. I mean start over in terms of our expectations and perceptions. LeBron James isn’t a savior. He isn’t a hero, and he isn’t a villain. He’s neither a goat nor the GOAT. He’s just a basketball player.

Witness this recent offering from Domino’s.

This is part of the ad campaign where real Domino’s customers talk about how awful the pizza is, and then Domino’s make a big deal about changing their recipes and whatnot. I actually like these ads. I think it’s a bold strategy, and I think it’s a little refreshing to have some candor when it comes to the products that are advertised to us every day. And the new pizza is alright.

But this one is reeeeeeally stretching my suspension of disbelief. I mean, are we meant to believe that Domino’s was conducting a focus group in the middle of a field on a dairy farm in Wisconsin? If we’re to believe that, then the sense of surprise and incredulity we see conveyed on the faces of the focus group members has to be staged. Sure, nobody expects the walls of the room they’re sitting in to suddenly move aside, exposing those inside to whatever elements are outside said room. But when you walk up to a fake room trailer in the middle of a field at a dairy farm, I feel like you’re prepared for some type of shenanigan.

There’s another possibility, though. That these folks started off in a regular building, or a regular-looking building, where one would expect pizza focus groups to take place, and then were transported whatever distance to the field at the dairy farm. This is even more problematic than the first possibility. The type of person that can walk into a room, go through a focus group, get towed (or airlifted) to the middle of a field at a dairy farm, and not sense that something is amiss and walk out or at least demand some answers about why the whole damn room is moving, well, I don’t think I can trust pizza-eating feedback from that type of person.

In short, what the hell is going on in this commercial?

I got my lunchbox packed, my boots tied tight. I hope I don’t get in a fight. Chuck is back, Serena and Blair are back, and the school year is about to start. That means we’re entering the nitty gritty of the GG season. On with the diary!

:00 Can’t believe I missed that “I’m Chuck Bass” last week. I’m surprised you people are still even reading this crummy blog.

:01 Blair said “pleebeians.” That’s kinda funny.

Eric VD Dub is back! What a breath of fresh air. I love that kid.

:03 I’m sure there are frats at Columbia, but do they have houses? I know I have some readers that “went” to Columbia. Speak up in comments.

:04 I’m not gonna be able to continue blogging if little Milo is going to be wearing that wicked presh little bear hat.

Soooo . . . Chuck was able to explain all of his secret double life away so persuasively that Eva not only didn’t toss him out like a parking ticket, but she followed him to America? You know what, I believe it!

:08 Dan, on raising a kid that isn’t his: “I just can’t believe this. Why would Georgina do this?” Oh, Dan. Thank god you’re so pretty.

Gossip Girl on Georgina: “If she’s flown the coop, who’s cleaning up her baby’s poop? Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun don’t need to be told twice that this is My Favorite Line of the Season So Far!

:13 You see how Serena’s hair is sort of nappy and dingy? Timmy likey.

:16 Is Juliet working for Trip’s wife or something? I should have thought of that last week, but I didn’t.

:18 Ugh. Hamilton House actually hangs out on steps? That is sooooo high school. And was that a green screen behind them? That’s pretty lame, no?

:24 Nate to Juliet: “I haven’t had to try this hard before. It’s refreshing.” Ha!

B to S: “This isn’t a conspiracy.” I have a feeling you’re going to be refuted very shortly, Blair.

:26 There it is.

:27 Chuck on Blair: “She wouldn’t waste a breath hurling insults if she didn’t think they’d land.” Christ, what a smooth talker he is.

:29 Hmm. I guess we all collectively forgot Chuck’s rapey ways from Season 1. That’s really a blight on his application for Best Character on Television.

:35 V on raising a kid: “If Ted Danson and Tom Selleck can do it . . .” Great reference, but wasn’t Steve Gutenberg in that movie? From the other side of the couch, ORODDU: “No love for the Gute!”

Nice dress, Serena, with the little boob TV screen.

:39 Ok, so that little Blair-Serena fight tableau was a little hard to believe, but it’s hardness to believe is what made it such a great reveal! Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun know that I’m always interested in seeing noobs get pwned. See you in hell, Juliet!

:43 What IS One Tree Hill? There’s fucking ghosts?

:44 Dan is talking to Milo, and hears a knock on the door. My other roommate: “I bet it’s not who you think it is.”

:44.5 Hello, Georgina. He gets it!

:46 Nate is right. Serena did act pretty horribly and then just waltz back in like it’s no big deal.

:47 Piss on my leg and tell me it’s raining, Georgina. This whole story is gobbledygook! Dan should rat her out to the Russians!

:48 Dan! You can’t let this evil woman take Milo!

:49 See what they did there? Like, the last episode ended with “I’m Chuck Bass.” And this one ended with “Who the hell are you, Chuck Bass?” That’s some literary stuff there, precious readers.

:55 Dan, on Rufus’s advice: “He thinks I should throw myself into more traditional college pastimes like Noam Chomsky and beer pong.” Get it? Because Dan is a young liberal idealist!

Isn’t it weird that Serena is a freshman and everyone else is a sophomore? What’s gonna happen in three years?

:57 I was convinced they were going to show Eva unpacking her luggage, and she was going to like, pull out a gun or something.

:58 This sound problem is REALLY grinding my gears. I couldn’t hear ANY of that last scene! I try not to read too many recaps, but I’m going to have to. Who was that guy? And should I be ashamed that I don’t know right off the top of my head?

My roommate just closed the windows because it was too chilly in the living room. And then I sorta smelled that old, warm, familiar smell. The heat had turned on. Which means it’s that time of year, precious readers: the nights are getting cooler, and the first completely absurd subplot of the Gossip Girl season is starting to materialize. On with the diary!

:01 Oh fucking great. The C-Dub is doing that thing again, where the music soundtrack is way louder than the speaking soundtrack. So now I have the volume all jacked up just to get the faintest hint of dialogue. What gives!

Also, Serena, choosing between Dan and Nate is not like choosing between a napoleon and an éclair. You pick the éclair! And the éclair is Dan!

:03 My friend makes a good point. Chuck is writing the Empire checks himself? Can’t he hire like, a business manager? Isn’t that what bosses do?

“The life of Serena van der Woodsen is like the most complicated Jane Austen novel ever.” That’s the kind of talk that would tip off a non-idiot that this woman is up to something. Good thing for the plot that Nate is a moron.

:06 ZOMG! LOOK AT THE HAT LITTLE MILO IS WEARING! I JUST GOT DIABETES!

:08 Dan, w/r/t to Serena going to Columbia: “I’m just surprised she didn’t say anything to me about it.” Why does this surprise him? I know it would require different plots, but would it kill these characters to act like this isn’t still season 1, episode 1?

I feel like a broken record. Nate doesn’t even KNOW this “Juliet Sharp” woman, but he’s gonna let her drive a wedge between him and Dan? I hope the writers aren’t expecting us to think that “Juliet” is some master manipulator along the lines of Jack Bass or something. Look at who she’s dealing with!

:14 Serena: I went to the morgue today. Blair: What is that, a sex club? Pwned!

:16 Chuck’s blonde friend has been in something. Wait, wait, don’t tell me . . .

:17 Lily has a good point here. Dan has been over there in Brooklyn raising this child, while she and Rufus have been loafing about the UES. What a buncha peaches, eh?

:21 Hmm . . . Chuck’s, I mean Henry’s, friend has been in the Harry Potter movies? Shrug?

:26 I mean, it wouldn’t be HORRIBLE for Dan and V to get back together. But still! Not because of some scheme from some rando!

:28 Eew, did Dan and Vanessa do it with the baby in the next room? Is that what like, people with babies do?

:31 I know Blair leaving her Blackberry at the apartment, so she doesn’t have to deal with texts from Serena, is supposed to be a symbolic gesture, but of all the things that have happened in this episode, that was the thing that required the most tenacious suspension of belief. How can you not have your phone on you! My phone is only a room and a half away, and I’m kinda getting the willies with it being that far from me.

:34 Did you see this Accuvue commercial? With the girl who’s trying to work up the courage to ask out a cute boy? And the whole point of the commercial is that she has to get rid of her glasses in order to do it? This is an attitude that must be fought! Enough of this “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” garbage. Wear your glasses, ladies! Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun promises to make a pass at you

:37 Nate: “Oh man, my web of deception blew up in my face again. Well, lesson learned. I’ll never stab my friends in the back ever again!” What, he didn’t say that when Dan discovered the text from Serena he never saw because Nate was snooping around? My bad.

:43 This is the life, eh? Drinking some cold brew dogs on the roof while your stepmom takes care of your bastard child.

:45 Has Serena really been wearing this absurd sparkle jacket the entire episode?

:47 I haven’t really thought about it, but they would never take Chuck away from us, right? Like, this isn’t even an option?

:48 Chuck: Your world would be easier if I didn’t come back. B: That’s true. But it wouldn’t be my world without you in it. Hold on. I got a piece of dust in my eye. Both eyes.

:54 You know, watching Serena see all of these people, and the baby, show up in Rufus’s living room really drives home how absurd this series of plots has been.

:56 The closest thing Rufus has to medical training is Lincoln Hawk getting a song on Chicago Hope! The 90s!

:57 Ok, guys, who is “Juliet” working for? Georgina? Poppy Lifton? Jack?

There’s a chill in the air. You leave work, and the sun is more or less down. Any day now, you’ll look out the window and see a skosh of orange on those green leaves. The summer, sad to say, is over, dearest reader. New Englanders are preparing to hunker down for another long, cold, lonely winter, unboxing their gloves and down coats. And yet, in a way, life is just blossoming back to, well, life. You know what I’m talking about. Gossip Girl is back. And consequently, the Gossip Girl running diary is back. Did you miss it? Actually, don’t answer. I already know what you’re going to say.

In the interest of helping you all out a little, I’m going to do my best to make the time stamps match up to where events happen in the show, instead of whatever time it is when I happen to write something down. And maybe I’ll try to add in a little more context so these things have a little more shelf life than the 18 hours after any given GG ep. We’ll see how that goes.

When last we left our protagonists, an exasperated and depressed Blair dragged her taller, prettier, more statuesque friend with her to Paris to suck up all the male attention; the hated Georgina Sparks showed up at Dan’s door, ostensibly with his love child in tow; and Chuck lay bleeding to death in a dark alley.

:00 zomgg
:02 Seriously, how does Gossip Girl have correspondents in Paris? Is Blair feeding her information?
:03 “The only guy that’s been in my pants is the tailor at [inaudible].” I missed you desperately, Blair. I’m also extremely disappointed that your first slam-dunk line of the season was ruined by the fact that the speaking soundtrack is being drowned out by the music soundtrack on my TV. And sorry, treasured readers, but there are two Monday Night Football games on, so I can’t go back to the DVR.
:04 Also, let’s talk about Serena’s tin foil cargo net dress. What is that thing?
:06 That package is a course catalogue? If Serena actually goes through with going to Brown, I’ll eat my hat.
:07 If Chuck is really not paying the mortgage on the Empire, and it’s really going to go into foreclosure, why wouldn’t Lily just use some of her billions to keep him afloat until he resurfaces?
:08 Oh, Serena got into Columbia. That envelope she got in the mail must have been filled with deus ex machina. Good thing I didn’t start marinating that hat . . .
:09 It’s like the Gossip Girl writers have set up quarters in my head. “Timmy loves Gossip Girl so much, but how can we make him love it more? How about a baby?” I’ll tell you, readers, I don’t even care that it’s Georgina’s spawn. I love that baby!

:14 If Nate had his bangs down, he would be completely able to pick up a girl in Norma’s after ditching some floozy right in front of her face. He’s like Samson, with a comb.
:17 This Paris shopping montage is some SERIOUSLY obnoxious product placement.
:18 serena: “Before I lose you to another shoe coma, there’s something I want to talk to you about.” That was pretty clever, S!
:19 Vanessa to Dan: “Do not mention her Georgina. Hahaha!
:20 V: “We’re talking about Georgina Sparks! Her hair lies!” Someone came back from the summer with a sassmouth!
:21 I’m clearly rusty after a whole summer of not watching GG. That driver/prince double-date switchola actually caught me off guard! B: “Oh, I’ve never sat up here before.”

:27 Eleanor, wrt Lily’s nametag reading “Bass”: “I was afraid no one would know who she is!” Eleanor Waldorf, stirring up class resentment!
:29 Ok, ok, ok, here we go: This driver-asking-Blair-out thing is like, some kind of prince and the pauper situation. Where the driver actually IS the prince, but he wants to test Blair to see if she’s unshallow enough to be interested in a lowly chauffer. Watch.
:32 I’m confused. Is Dan’s web of deception coming back to bite him in the ass? That’s never the case.

:37 Georgina to Lily: “I wasn’t expecting this introduction either.” Yes you were! You orchestrated it! Also, we’ve heard Georgina’s “I’ve changed, I’m not a pathological liar anymore” shtick a half a dozen times already. It’s one of Gossip Girl’s most enduring tropes!
:39 Let me get this straight. Blair wants to be on her own, outside of Serena’s shadow, but the year she actually spent out of Serena’s shadow was the worst year of her life?

:44 I’m calling bullshit. This baby plotline is beyond a reasonable suspension of belief. “The dates match,” Dan goes? Dan, this is Georgina Sparks! The closest thing that television has to the platonic archetype of pure evil! She comes waltzing in with a couple of phony documents, and you’re going to let a calendar persuade you? You’re lucky you’re pretty, Dan Humphrey.
:48 Welp, precious readers, your favorite blogger thought he lost a step. But he’s just as sharp as ever! The old prince-posing-as-a-lackey deception! I saw it a mile away!

:55 Juliet Sharp, eh? That’s a pretty good fictional name.
:56 This nutty bulletin board only serves as a bitter reminder that I put a whole season into Flash Forward, only to see it cruelly cancelled. Also, what ARE you up to, Juliet sharp, if that is your real name?