Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun

# Has anyone seen the trailer for this movie You Again? Does wanting to see it make me a stupid idiot? Kristen Bell in glasses! And I liked Sigourney Weaver in Holes. It’s a good concept! I’m seeing it, I don’t care what you people say.

# I could write a post a week about a song that I hear in a commercial that I wind up loving. The problem is, sometimes Youtube and Google do a good job of helping me figure out what a song in a given commercial is, and sometimes they don’t. (Serious question: shouldn’t there be a Youtube and and IMDB that like, specifically caters to commercials? So we can see who the actors are and what the songs are? And find them whenever we want without jumping through hoops? Do such sites already exist? If they do and you know about them, precious readers, don’t keep the information to yourself!) Anyway, this time, everything fell into place! I’m talking about the Virgin Mobile commercial that’s been on (they call it “The Crazy Life”).

Firstly, I’ll talk to my web advisers and figure out if there’s anything I can do about those HD Youtube embeds leaking out of the frame. Secondly, the guy at the lectern in the church? None other than Rob Halford, of Judas Priest. How cool! Thirdly, that’s the Hives covering “Early Morning Wake Up Call,” by an Australian New Wave outfit called Flash and the Pan. I can’t get it outta my head! Here’s the original.

# It’s 30–10 at the end of the first half, and the 18th-ranked UNC Tar Heels are playing like half of their starters haven’t even dressed. Oh wait.

# Incidentally, the music playing over some of the interstitial footage during the halftime show of this LSU–UNC game reminded me of something that I’ve wanted to talk about for quite some time. It’s been around for a while, and y’all are more hip than I am, but have you see the video for MGMT’s “Kids”? Isn’t it the most horrible thing you’ve ever seen? For real! I’m also very weirded out by that quote at the beginning. Not the quote itself; I’ve been saying it for years. (As has everyone that ever read The Watchmen.) It’s that the quote is so clearly and obviously from Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil, that it makes me wonder why the guys from MGMT would attribute it to Mark Twain. Because that has to have been something done on purpose, right?

# Hank Hill is a pretty alright dude.

# Also, before I forget, let me remind you that sharks have a week dedicated to Mark Herzlich. If Mark Herzlich were in the movie 300, it wouldn’t be called 300. It would be called 1. Who would win in a fight between Mark Herzlich and Galactus? That’s a trick question: Mark Herzlich IS the Devourer of Worlds.

# Here’s a real life bit of conversation:
nick: i hate superman as a hero, as a character, as anything
he’s simultaneously the strongest superhero and the most useless if someone has a pebble in their pocket
me: well, kryptonite is a deus ex machina that would make euripides blush
nick: lol
that’s a funny line
me: i was gonna say the same thing
i’m putting it in my blog

The thing about guys is, they think that the banter they have with their pals is pure comedic gold. The thing about your favorite blogger, though, is that when he says his banter with his pals is pure comedic gold, he’s not screwing around! Would I ever lead you astray, precious reader?

In that vein, I asked my pal Nick, the Official Philadelphia Correspondent of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun (and my former roommate) to engage in a little be-bopping about this year’s All-Star Home Run Derby. As you’ve come to expect from a blog that’s always a day late and a buck short, I’ve only gotten around to posting it two days after the actual event. Only the most minor of edits have been made, because I’m committed to keeping things on the real. That means almost no capital letters, and plenty of lols.

nick: alright
i got my money on chris b. young
me: yeah?
nick: it’s less that i have confidence in him and more that i hope his trade value goes up with some sort of subconscious developments penetrating the minds of our fellow fantasiers
me: i haven’t put much thought into it
i’m gonna put my money behind small papi, though
nick: (is this being recorded?)
me: this conversation? yeah
nick: ok starting with?
me: i’m gonna start with the part when you make your prediction
nick: ok
me: this is completely unedited, so don’t say anything you don’t want potentially billions of people seeing
also, pretend you’re not an idiot
so i just said “look, that guy is playing a uke”
and kevin [the Official Roommate of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun] was like “youkilis?”
nick: patrick monahan needs a new pair of jeans
me: is that the singer from train?
nick: yes, monahan is the lead singer
he looks 80
i may just think this because i don’t follow the brewers, but did corey hart steal a page from the jayson werth facial hair manual
me: he stole a page from the abe lincoln facial hair manifesto
nick: “leads the league in smiles”?
give me a break, ortiz
me: remember when ortiz sucked? those were the days
hanley ramirez owes every single one of his all-star starts to fantasy baseball players
nick: who has the highest total round, and what number do they end on?
me: what do you mean, highest total round?
nick: i don’t think its cumulative
so highest individual round
me: i’m sure they’ll explain the rules
hamilton had 28 a few years ago
remember the year he won the derby?
nick: haha, he didn’t
me: i know!
nick: good trick, though!
me: morneau stole it from him, like he stole jeter’s mvp in 2006
nick: i’ve really warmed up to jeter the past few years. it’s almost like you can’t like both a-rod and jeter at the same time; your love for them is inversely proportional. i think many people may feel that way
me: my love for derek jeter is a lot like the universe
always expanding
nick: until that one final day where everything implodes
me: kevin makes a good point
has anyone been more famous for doing so little than bo jackson
nick: inside the sports realm? so, excluding paris hilton, et al.?
me: right
bo jackson played two sports, he ran over brian bosworth, and his tecmo bowl character was invincible
nick: i might go with the other two sport athlete — deion sanders
me: but i think his football career was a little more distinguished
nick: from the media’s perspective. he avoided tackling someone like people avoid the plague
prime time, that is
me: i wish i had a nickname
nick: you do have one
me: yeah? what’s that
nick: The-Most-Unf*ckable-Dude-Ever (don’t put that in!)
me: haha
that was great!
actually, now that i think about, i’ll edit this so it looks like we’re not talking over each other
nick: good idea [Editor's note: Conversation has been edited for clarity and excision of talk-overingness.]
nick: Here we go — Joe Morgan, “In case you were unaware, I’m a Hall of Famer, and in case you weren’t there when I predicted it, I predicted Miguel Cabrera would be the AL MVP and the first coming of my savior, Jesus Christ.”
me: who is chris young, btw
nick: I dont know
but I wish he was wearing a helmet
me: or any sort of headgear
nick: look at that stat! one of three players with 15 and 15
chris young taking the first fifteen pitches, showing his new-found patience at the plate
me: zing!
nick: over under on how many “back-back”s we hear tonight
me: 21.5
nick: i think you misplaced that decimal
ill take 215
me: of anything in a derby, i root for two kids shagging flies in the outfield to get into a savage fight
look at this. some of these kids are 10 years old, and others are taller than me
nick: hormones
artificial
remember when i had hoped this would increase interest in c. young?
i can now only hope for such a piss poor performance that people forget he was ever in it
me: did you see how that foul went to where the beach ball was bouncing around, and it just disappeared when the baseball fell?
nick: lol
me: you people need to be careful!
chris young couldn’t even hit the charity ball out. he’s history’s greatest monster
nick: what did i say before? this is gonna be the base hit derby
me: the single up the middle derby, i believe you called it
nick: i’m gonna throw my official prediction in a little late
i’ve got hanley
me: so you’re changing your pick
nick: give me a copy paste
with my other vote
me: haha
before we talk about how guys are doing in this derby, let’s discuss how chris young played in the minors last year, and until three months ago, vernon wells had the most lopsidedly bad contract in baseball
id est, these guys are stinktown!
nick: this isn’t because i own him in our fantasy league, but i feel like young gets more of a bye on this
he’s still very young
pun completely intended
me: is that what the B in chris b young stands for?
bye?
nick: i thought it was “baller,” but ive been wrong before

nick: did erin andrews just ask torii hunter if he and papi were “boys.” ugh
me: how hot must corey hart’s face be
i haven’t shaved in a week, and my chin is sweating 24/7
nick: i don’t know, man. i haven’t shaved my face since junior year of college — what’s that? — over 5 years
me: but is it ever as long as corey “the hitman” hart?
nick: when i don’t tend to it, yes; also see: hockey season
there’s our first ten “back-back”s
on one swing
me: corey hart learned home run hitting from his dad, who was a great softball player
nick: corey hart is going to hit four home runs after the break
me: if that were a company, i’d invest my life savings in it
nick: look at us — we’re all jacked up over 464 foot home runs
ten years ago, people used to hit 464 foot home runs with a check swing
me: i have corey hart on my nl-only team. i’m dropping the eff out of him after this
he’s bobby abreu-ing the shit out of this contest
nick: i might actually do a sort of stat analysis
i’m going to take all of the guys in the derby
and follow their second half numbers, see if they rise or fall
then choose ten other guys who have hit a bunch
but aren’t in the derby, and follow them similarly
and see if there really is some sort of correlation
me: i’ll post your results on the ol’ blog
nick: i am going to eliminate pujols, simply because he’s the best hitter in the game, arguably
so he will be almost like, i guess, the closest thing to a control group
which isn’t even accurate
but you know what i mean
me: can you change your pitcher? why wouldn’t nick swisher have this jockey pitch to him?
nick: if i was hitting, id ask for eric milton
is he still around?
me: he’s probably setting pins in a bowling alley
nick swisher is the exact kind of guy that would win this dopey contest
nick: swisher looks like a mental patient
me: he looks like popeye
nick: his hat’s crooked, he’s making odd jerky facial movements
speaking of popeye, do you know why so many people thought spinach was conducive to muscle growth
back in the day
aka popeye, old commercials, etc.
me: didn’t they do a study that massively overestimated the amount of iron there was in spinach?
nick: i don’t know if the study was incorrect, or if they just mislabeled the nutritional facts. whatever happened, people forever thought spinach had ten times more iron than it actually has
i think a decimal was screwed up on the label
me: i read about this on cracked
http://www.cracked.com/article_18517_the-7-most-disastrous-typos-all-time.html
nick: i’m gonna go on record here as saying the derby needs a tweak. it’s completely uninteresting.
me: remember rock and jock softball? you could ask for the chicago ball, and it was worth like, ten runs or something
nick: haha yeah
john kruk and freddie prinz junior were the rock and jock equivalent of the bash brothers
me: i remember jenny mccarthy was on it before she went cuckoo
nick: what ever happened to her
me: married jim carrey, got the idea that vaccines are no good, hopped on the express to crazytown
crazytown the place, not crazytown the band
nick: awful band, but i bet you like them
me: butterfly was a catchy song
did they even have another one? do they count as a band?
nick: i think their album may have consisted of six different versions of that song
holliday? more like folly-day
me: there’s positively no joy in berman’s back-back-backs
nick: i’m not sure he even says it anymore; it may be a recording
me: erin andrews is calling everyone someone’s boy. sup with that?
nick: why don’t you eliminate her, albert?
me: if you wanted to call me “la machina,” i wouldn’t object
nick: i’m gonna call you ex machina, cause you’re not believable
me: hiyo!
the new yorker just ran a profile of ortiz
and it’s very well written, and almost seamless, but you can tell that the writer set out to write the “david ortiz sucks now” story
and then had to be like, “but suddenly, he started hitting homers again!”
hilarious
nick: see, on second thought, i may agree with you on papi
you think of his struggles, and the struggles of most home run hitters late in his career
it all has to do with the slowing down of the bat and swing movement, and less so with power
these pitches are going a mile an hour, of course hes gonna whack ‘em
me: i could hit a 55 mile an hour fastball out of the park
nick: no chance
out of the infield, maybe
nick: lol
did you see that dope
me: good one
nick: first row of the outfield
thought he caught it
pumped up, raising the fists of glory
it fell out of his glove and the kid didnt give it back to him
me: good!
a grown man shouldn’t be bringing a glove to the ballpark
nick: i agree completely
did you know joe morgan was a hall of fame player
me: he looks like the undead when they show him on camera
nick: the real joe morgan is tied up in a closet in some wax museum.
and here we are subjected to the wax dummy
me: the living wax dummy
nick: with two pull-string lines
when i was a hall of famer
and “yer doin’ it wrong . . . i’m the hall of famer”
me: a lot of guys are hall of famers
you know what? i could go for some organic milk
nick: milk is bad for you

Editor’s note: A rather lengthy and heated discussion about the nutritional efficacy of milk ensued. Certain parties may have passive aggressively encouraged other parties to enjoy dying of milk-related complications. Other certain parties may have made a wager, the prize of which would entitle the winner to pour beer on the loser’s grave. It was in no way home-run related, so your favorite blogger has excised it.

me: so when hanley signs his eventual big free agent contract, is he gonna say “i’m taking my talents out of south beach”
nick: i’d buy his jersey if he did

nick: how about that
our guys are tied after two rounds
me: my guy, and the guy you make-up picked?
nick: i didn’t pick young! i wanted him to win
to increase trade value
me: haha

nick: when you post the blog, you better not say hanley was my make up pick
Sent at 10:16 PM on Monday
me: haha
we should talk a little more about the derby, so we have some content
nick: so a nick vs. tim final
me: yup
nick: this is like harry potter vs. voldemort, god vs. lucifer, good vs. evil
of course i’m the good
me: you’re the world’s dumbest human

nick: “going against your guy”
erin adnrews didn’t learn one name for tonight
me: bad job by her
someone told her not to say “your boy”
nick: lol
did you see all those empty seats?
i thought you couldn’t sell sex for a ticket to these things
me: people are different in so-cal
me: they’re probably all off eating fish tacos or something
nick: haha
its gonna be tough for good to overcome evil here
me: they’re playing “temperature” during hanley’s at-bat
that’s my jam
also, let the record show that a heated conversation about milk took our attention away from this thing
seems to me like definitive proof that the home run derby needs a fresh wrinkle
nick: fact

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun understand that MTV’s Jersey Shore, which is a lot like the Real World, except with all guidos and in Seaside Heights, is the exact type of show that I would watch and love. It premiered on Thursday, and lived up to every expectation I could have ever had, but since tonight also marks the triumphant return of the Gossip Girl Running Diary, I won’t subject you to a blow-by-blow accounting of my impressions of the show. Instead, let’s discuss a fascinating real-world subplot involved with the show. Namely, Italian American groups lambasting MTV and encouraging boycotts of the show’s sponsors.

I’m not sure what it was like where you all grew up, but back in Bayonne, ethnic identity was a big deal. It was never uncommon to be asked “What nationality are you” or, more often, just “What are you?” In retrospect, it’s kind of funny that most people had a definitive answer to that question, since it had to be asked in the first place. If you came across Tommy O’Sullivan over in Dublin, there’s no doubt as to “what he is.” Whereas if you came across a guy by the same name back in Bayonne, he might tell you that he’s half-Irish, half-Italian, or half-Irish, a quarter Polish, and a quarter Scottish. Or some other melange. Everyone was interested in what you were.

Which I understood, but also found a little odd. I mean, when a kid told you he was half Irish and half Italian, what he was really saying was that his grandparents or great-grandparents on one side of the family came over here from Ireland, and his grandparents or great-grandparents on the other side came over here from Italy. Is that kid really Irish? Or Italian? Or both? It always seemed to me that a kid like that was American more than anything else. Incidentally, that’s how I saw myself (you know, American), but I would never say that. For some reason, saying you were American was a dodging of the question. All I knew was that my ancestors must have left Poland, or Lithuania, or Czechoslovakia, or whatever other Eastern European backwater, for a reason.

Which is not to dismiss anyone’s sense of ethnic identity. If that’s the sort of thing that’s important to you, that’s fine. And it’s true that there are people who took their ethnic heritage seriously. (An important sidenote here is that I’m talking mostly about the white ethnic heritage of third- and fourth-generation Americans; I also knew plenty of kids from Asia and Latin America and the Middle East who were living lives much closer to the original immigrant experience.) All I’m saying is that this strong sense of ethnic identity isn’t something that I personally grew up with, but I saw it plenty.

Why I find this flap with UNICO and the National Italian American Foundation so fascinating is because it speaks to a favorite pet issue, which is the conflict between a prescriptive or a descriptive view of culture. On one side, you’ve got these organizations representing the established view of a monolithic Italian American Culture. On the other, you’ve got a group of young kids (I’ll use the term “kids” even though Pauly D is 29 effing years old. Oof.) actually out there living what they see to be Italian American Culture.

Don’t mistake my criticism here. I think UNICO is right to be upset if it feels MTV is exploiting a particularly offensive caricature of Italian Americans. I happen to think that claim is a little off-base, but it’s a valid complaint for an organization like UNICO to make. My bone to pick is the statement that UNICO’s president, Andre’ DiMino, made: “[The cast members] are an embarrassment to themselves, their heritage and their families.”

Pardon?

Mr. DiMino may see the kids on Jersey Shore as an embarrassment to their heritage, but they’re also his legacy. I mean, this is the younger generation of Italian Americans, identifying as Italian Americans, living what they see as Italian American lives. Ethnic heritage is something that gets passed down, and if the older generation isn’t pleased with how the younger generation lives out that heritage, well, they bear a certain amount of responsibility for that.

The gripe that not every young Italian American is like the kids on this show seems sound, but it’s a straw man. It may be MTV, but I sincerely doubt there are many people out there in TV land thinking that they’re watching a serious documentary on Italian American life. And while the cast of Jersey Shore is obviously composed of the most extreme examples of the so-called guido subculture, it’s not like that subculture doesn’t exist. Anyone that’s been to Belmar or Point Pleasant Beach or Seaside Heights knows that many people like the people on Jersey Shore exist. That’s not a value judgment. It’s just a statement of fact.

What you’ve got here is an older generation of gatekeepers prescribing what a particular culture should be, and a younger generation out there living a culture despite those prescriptions. As I’ll someday flesh out more when the David Foster Wallace Fortnight recommences, I’m a descriptivist. The fact is, the guys that run UNICO got their chance to define what Italian American culture is. And they’re in a seat of authority now, and of course there’s a back-and-forth between generations, and these younger kids can take what their elders say into account. But by and large, it’s the kids’ boat now. The culture is their’s to define for their generation. That’s the way it’s always been.

And honestly, I wouldn’t be too worried if I were the elders of the Italian American community. Bad haircuts, bad clothes, bad music, and bad attitudes toward socialization aren’t exclusive to Italian Americans, and they certainly aren’t exclusive to the youngest generation. Meanwhile, and you all will think I’m crazy, I think there’s a lot that’s positive in the kids on Jersey Shore. We laugh at them because they’re clowns, and they are clowns. And the way they socialize and hook-up could seem grotesque. I don’t think the men on the show have a particularly healthy attitude toward women, but the truth is, the women on the show play the same game as the men, so let’s consider the gender politics to be a wash. The women, for the most part, are strong, in the “I don’t take shit from anyone” sense. And everyone has a strong sense of loyalty to their family and friends. In the end, the haircuts will get more acceptable, the jobs will get more legit, and the important stuff like loyalty and strength of character will remain, and what you’ll have is another generation of grumpy old folks complaining about whatever it is their crazy kids are running around doing. Happens every time.

Regular readers of Dangerous, Dirty, and Unfun understand that it’s my fervent belief that the love between Dan and Serena transcends reality. Now that it appears that that relationship has gone the way of Bubble Tape and the other two Cinnamon Toast Crunch mascots, I’ve had to get used to Chuck and Blair as the premier Gossip Girl relationship. To quote Mr. Horse, no sir, I don’t like it.

However, comma, I had a conversation with a dear and treasured friend (who SHOULD be a dear and treasured reader, although I doubt she is, but she can allay all suspicion by leaving a comment) last night, and she took me to the mat pretty good over Dan and Serena being a sham relationship and Chuck and Blair being the real deal. So, in the interest of being a mature and open-minded adult, I’ll be viewing at least the next few episode through the lens of “Maybe Chuck and Blair Aren’t So Bad.” We’ll see what happens.

9:02 “Serena to Georgina? Quite a fall, even for you,” Blair goes. Sick burn!

Georgina is SO up to something. Why can’t Dan see that!

Does Dan shave his chest? That’s taking me right out of the narrative.

This scene with Vanessa, Serena, and Dan is sooooooo ridiculous! Teasing him without judgment? They should judge the &*#$ out of him!

There’s actually slime coming out of Vanessa’s phone when she talks to Scott. And what is it with these people and their fathers? Serena can’t admit that she wants to meet her dad. Neither can Scott. It’s like they’re conscious that they have to advance Gossip Girl plots.

9:06 “Carter isn’t like Chuck any more,” Serena goes. Neither is Chuck!

9:07 “You know I take my scotch neat,” Carter goes. What a jerk. I can watch 100 straight scenes of him getting slapped in the face. Please please please continue to be a jerk, Carter!

9:11 I do NOT like those shorts blair is wearing.

“An endless font of do-overs,” Blair goes. I love puns!

9:14 That’s not a joke that Serena just made. She would NEVER be in on any sort of secret society.

9:15 Timestamped! Timestamped! Timestamped! !his secretary is in big trouble.

9:17 Hey, the Nate subplot. If Nate isn’t involved with one of the real GG characters, he’s completely unmoored. He’s like Pluto.

This is why I don’t like the Chuck-Blair relationship. It’s based on gimmickry. Oh look, they have to bid against each other in the auction. How wacky! I bet they’ll figure out a way for Carter to have to bid on that dopey photo or something.

9:20 So, Ellen Page is reprising the Juno role in Juno on Rollerskates. That should be fun.

9:22 Tyra is using short puns with the petite models? I know earlier I said I love puns, but not like this!

9:25 Eeeew. Scott’s parents recycled the story of their actual dead son to get Lily and Rufus off the path? They’re giving Boston a bad name.

9:26 Serena would make a terrible poker player. And Carter would make a terrible boyfriend. Just watch.

I know that Blair is a high roller, but she’s 18. How does she have a favorite vintage of champagne?

And of course Chuck has a proxy bidder at this auction. You’re tossing lollipops, GG.

Why would Vanessa tell Dan that Scott is lying? Does she have any intention of telling Dan the second half of Scott’s lie? If so, party foul…

9:28 … Because OF COURSE Georgina is going to want to snoop around.

9:34 Ugh. Of course Nate would think kissing Bri in front of the photographers was a good idea. How tacky can you get?

Speaking of such things, what is that Mylar goody bag that Blair is wearing?

9:37 Good thing the photo that Chuck and Blair want is the first one on the block, so we can get this part of the plot over with.

9:40 Why, Scott! Why! Why! If they’re not gonna have him admit that he’s Rufus’s son, why not drag out the “Scott is skulking around weirdly” plot a little more? It’s the third damn episode, and now we’ve got some convoluted farce hanging over the rest of the season. I mean, MORE convoluted farce.

9:45 See what happens when we weave webs of deception, Serena? Our friends are compelled to destroy our boyfriend’s credibility to protect us. It’s like you’ve never wove a web of deception before. Good thing you’re so pretty.

9:49 Don’t think I’ll ever get tired of a Georgina v. the gang spat.

9:54 So is Scott gone? Does this mean the hope of having a GG ep in Boston is kiboshed?

“When it comes to an eye for an eye, Chuck is a man of the cloth.” Great line!

9:56 This whole “everyone on the show is related” thing is getting wearisome AND creepy.

9:58 Hellooooooo Bri Buckley.

And helloooooooooooooooo Georgina coming to the Hub of the Universe. Ding ding ding ding! Although calling Amtrak for information about trains? I know this is TV and we have to like, exposit things in a way we wouldn’t normally in real life. But the train? It combines the price of an airline ticket with the travel time of the bus. It’s the worst of both worlds!

As a professional word-using guy, it would be a sincere dereliction to be caught speechless, or without the faculty to describe something as simple and graspable as my own state of mind. And yet here we are. Gossip Girl is back, and I’m completely unable to convey to you the profound joy that’s bursting from my heart. If a puppy, carrying a kitten-filled basket around his neck, scampered into my living room with a six pack and a bag of jelly beans, to the tune of the Loving Spoonful’s “What a Day for a Daydream,” it wouldn’t make me one tenth as happy as this TV show. How about a running diary?

9:00 This is me, trembling.

9:02 “Chuck Bass doesn’t do girlfriends.” This blonde girl is on B’s payroll, for sure.

Dan has a Serena Van der Woodsen Google Alert. That’s sad. I would never do that if I had a famous-ish ex girlfriend. Never.

9:06 Yes! Gossip Girl tackles partisan politics! And Nate is (ostensibly) a liberal. There’s hope for him yet.

9:09 Serena WOULD use getting swept up in a book like Eat, Pray, Love as an excuse to hide her escapades, and Dan WOULD be condescending enough as to believe it.

9:12 Dan, on breakfast in Lily’s apartment: It makes the Four Seasons look like one season. I bet nobody else actually laughed at that but me.

9:15 “Sleeping with the enemy is fun. Why do you think I had the whole Ivanka thing? Sweet holy Moses, did I miss Chuck Bass

9:18 This is me, watching Serena give that little smirk to the photographers.

V, flirting with Scott, the mysterious half brother of Dan and S: on the list of things that no one could have predicted, where does this rank? In the low millions?

9:22 Something tells me that I’m subconsciously looking forward to more Carter Baizen

9:23 Especially because IMDB tells me that the actor playing him is named Sebastian Stan, keeping up the GG tradition of casting young actors with ridiculous names (Blake Lively? Taylor Momsen? Leighton Meester? Chace Crawford? There’s not a Joe or a Kate in the bunch!)

9:28 Here’s an idea, Vanessa. Call your friend’s dad and invite yourself and a stranger to a polo match that’s not his gig to invite people to. This won’t raise any red flags.

9:30 Is it bad that when Eric says “The last time Serena went off the deep end, it got really messed up,” I don’t really remember what he’s exactly referring to?

I like how “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas” has morphed into “what happens in this room/city/continent/season, stays in this room/city/continent/season,” a catch-all excuse for dismissing anything shameful that you don’t want to talk about. Thanks, Las Vegas tourism board.

9:38 Dan, button your shirt!

9:39 Carter, button your shirt! You guys look like idiots!

Serena has never lied to Blair or Dan about matters of grave importance, so it’s completely understandable that they would immediately call the cops on Carter and arrange for a restraining order after S said she was being stalked. Why do I know S better than her best friend?

9:46 Bri Buckley: typical Republican. Willing to let mommy and daddy’s politics get in the way of true love.

“I know secrecy is a lot to ask for,” she goes. Like the secret wiretaps and secret detention facilities you no doubt cheerleaded during the Bush administration?

9:48 I didn’t want more Carter THIS way. I was hoping he was going to more of like, a conniving slimeball.

9:50 Like Grandpa Vanderbilt

9:54 In thirty seconds, I went from “Vanessa is on the ball, rich people suck” to “what a judgmental shrew Vanessa is” to “wow, Vanessa is right on.” Bravo, GG writers.

9:56 Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa. That’s Dan’s BROTHER! Are the writers on a quest to get everyone on this show related?

Eew. Weird waiter role playing has no place on network television.

Maybe Serena’s dad is dodging her because he’s pissed that his spin-off didn’t get picked up. Don’t think I forgot about that.

9:58 So Serena’s plan is to be photographed in wacky situations in the hopes that her father overseas will see the pictures and, what? Be mortified out of hiding? Seems far-fetched to me.

Matt and Kim had a song in this ep! They sing the delightful song in that Mojito commercial I love!

I came across this post by Scott H. Payne on the League of Ordinary Gentlemen the other day. The content is pretty non-controversial: he likes How I Met Your Mother, and based on the few episodes I’ve seen, I’m apt to agree with his insights.

What bothered me was the intro.

I don’t watch much TV.
In fact, on the whole I tend not to like TV at all. I find the vast preponderance of shows to be dull and generally lacking in any real entertainment value.

My problem is, I don’t see how this statement has anything to do with anything. You can read what he has to say about How I Met Your Mother, and if you’re familiar with the show, the points will probably make sense. That Mr. Payne doesn’t watch a lot of TV seems immaterial to the greater discussion.

Of course, that intro isn’t just some non sequitur, so why is it there? From where I’m sitting, it’s an example of one of the lazier and unnecessary types of argument, and it goes like this: I don’t like General Thing X, but I do happen to like this specific Example Y, so that means it must be good. It’s a means of establishing that much more authority for your claim above and beyond the actual strength of your arguments, but really, who cares?

I can’t really pick on the author, for a number of reasons: firstly, we ALL make arguments like this. Secondly, he actually admits to watching garbage TV (which you know I approve of). Thirdly, the “I don’t watch TV, but…” declaration doesn’t really add to or subtract from the rest of the post, so it’s harmless. Our collective compulsion to do this sort of thing is what’s really pernicious.

How many times have you claimed something like “I don’t like chicken parm, but this chicken parm is awesome!” Think about it for a second. What you really mean is that the quality of this particular chicken parm is so transcendentally high that it manages to blast through the barriers of your general distaste for chicken parm. But what you’re actually saying is, this is a good chicken parm, but I wouldn’t know a good chicken parm from a hole in the ground, since I don’t eat a lot of chicken parm to begin with. I’ll read a smart critique of a TV show, and if it’s persuasive on the merits, then great: but the author not having a lot of experience with TV isn’t really going to sway me. Let’s stop doing this, people!

Another problem. In one’s travels, one comes across, from time to time, another human who proudly asserts that he or she doesn’t watch TV. Like they’re displaying some great fortitude that the TV-watching public doesn’t share. Do you ever encounter someone that says “I don’t read books” or “I don’t exercise” with the same pride as the non-TV-watcher? A lot of people don’t read or exercise, of course, but you have to think that they wouldn’t shout that type of thing from the rooftops. Whereas the non-TV-watcher speaks from a position of moral superiority. Probably because they spend all of their non-TV-watching time reading and exercising. (I’m excluding those who don’t own a TV for financial reasons; I’m including those who don’t own a TV for financial reasons but realize they don’t miss TV and then gloat about it.)

Why do these people get away with this type of smugness? If I’m being charitable, I’ll concede that not watching TV is morally neutral. If I’m being me, I’ll admit that when someone says “I don’t watch TV,” I hear “I’m intentionally cutting myself off from something that profoundly shapes the culture that I live in.” How is that acceptable? I guess if there’s just nothing on that you like, you can’t be held responsible for not watching TV. But I have a tough time wrapping my head around the idea that there’s not something on TV for everyone.

That being said, yours truly numbers Real World/Road Rules Challenge among his favorite shows. So, you know, grain of salt and all.

I love it! Maybe this will be another running feature, but if not, no matter. I watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of commercials, and as a consequence, I accumulate a lot of favorites. Here’s a hilarious one from Gamefly.com. I promise I’m not a schill for them!

I love things getting smashed!